Thursday, October 14, 2010

Never say never...

I never dreamt that one day I'd be sitting here writing about our life. Writing about the tragedy that had happened to our family. I never in a million years did I ever think I'd have twins...

Never thought that I'd have a baby, let alone two, born so early...with such few odds of survival.

Never thought that I would ever experience a death of a child.

Never thought that I would get to know medical terms, use medical devices and meds the way I know how.

I never thought that I would ever be raising a special needs child. That I would have to pretty much give up our friends and nights out because Kenny is so much work...with meds, feeds, and just the way he acts in public.

I never thought that I would get the stares and glares when we go to the store and Kenny is yelling and talking (in his own way) at the top of his lungs because he cant hear, is very developmentally delayed, and cant speak words.

I never thought that I would sometimes get embarrassed about this, but mostly just want to look at the person that is glaring, and explain how much of a miracle Kenny really is!

I never thought that I would have to Handle seizures, learn sign language, learn how to give a feed through a tube in a stomach, learn how to use oxygen tanks, nebulizers, etc...But I did.

I never thought...

I never thought that I would have so much strength in me to go through all this and more.

When faced with a thought of "what would you do if..." my answer would always be, "I'd wish for a sudden heart attack so I wouldn't have to deal with it." Well, guess what? There was no heart attack. I'm still here. Still faced with the fact that 3.5 years ago, I lost a child...a baby that had so much life ahead of him. I had so many dreams of Nick and Kenny playing together, growing up being the best friends that twins should be. Being a twin myself and my husband being a twin, we know that special bond. We so badly wanted it for our boys...

But that would never happen.

I never thought that I would have to make funeral arrangements for OUR child. I never thought I'd ever tell my child that it was alright to go (be with Jesus). I never thought that my prayers, the prayers that I begged God for, would be unanswered...unanswered in the way that I wanted them answered, but not in the way God had planned out.

I never thought that my kids would have to experience the loss of a sibling like I had to.

It hurt so bad that my big brother who used to pick on us, tease us, teach us to drive at age 14, watch over us in school...was no longer around. He wasn't away out of town. He wasn't in the armed services like he told my parents he was going to be doing. The day before he died unexpectedly, he came over and talked to my parents about joining the service. He wanted to take Tiffany, our dog that he loved, with him. My mom had to tell him no because Tiffany was ours and we would be devastated if he took her. The next day...My dad, mom, twin and I went to Bowling Green to look at the college for us. We were stopped by the campus police who took us to the police station. They told us to call home. I remember seeing my mom and dad crying and hugging and saying,"no, no, no" over and over again. We then found out that my brother died. The trip home (three hours away) was the longest ride home. I never saw my dad cry up until this point. He had to stop several times because he couldn't comprehend the fact that his child, his only son, was gone. It was the longest ride home. That day and the days that followed were like slow motion. To top it off...our dog Tiffany ran away. Three days after my brother passed away, we found out that our dog Tiffany was hit by a car and also gone. My brother wanted her...and now he and Tiffany were in heaven together.

A link to our family was missing, gone forever. How did my parents ever get through this? Their only son, gone. But yet, my kids experience what I felt so many years before.

I never thought that husband Tony and I would have to endure the same heartache as my parents did so many years ago...yet they survived...we survived!

I never thought that I would have 8 children and 3 that's a lot of kids!

I never thought that I would or could love and care for so many....but guess what...our house may be small, but our hearts are huge. Sure, I get mad at them for doing stupid stuff...I wouldn't be human if I didn't. They are all great kids...all of them. Each one makes me proud to be their mom. I feel very blessed that God chose us to have so many kids and for us to be their parents.

I thank God for helping us throught all these trials...sure, I have been very angry at God about MANY things...I have questioned his existence because of everything that we have been through and will continue to face...but, I know deep down inside that He has not abandoned us...just made us stronger.

At the end of the day, I sit back and never thought I could make it through this day

...but guess what...

I did.

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