Wednesday, July 17, 2013

It's been five years....

I can't believe it's been five years since our last Where has the time gone!! This year marks a milestone...all five kids in school all day long!! Woot woot! 
Today also is my last child's birthday..HAPPY BIRTHDAY to our sweet Gina! She is truly a one of a kind! She loves army stuff, guns, army guys, baseball, wrestling and dressing p in boy clothes....she also loves nail polish, kittens, fancy dresses, and cuddles! My little Tom boy who is a very sweet hearted, smart beyond her years little cutie pie! 
So, here is a poem I wrote for her....I love you my rainbow baby!!!

A rainbow is a gift, a sign all will be good...
It's that joy after a storm, that is sometimes misunderstood.
God gave us a rainbow for our family to cherish...
One when all hope and faith was ready to perish.
These last five years have been such a blessing,
They have healed the wounds, really has been the dressing.
Thinking back on everything and what this has meant...
The walking, the talking, and encouragement.
You were given to us for a reason we see,
And only God really knows...he holds the key.
God gave you to us because he felt all our pain...
The sadness, the emptiness....its hard to explain.
Losing a child and then, another so sick,
Hoping and praying...nothing did the trick.
When out of the blue, a test came back...yes
Mommy sat and cried, I didn't want this mess.
I lost a child, why didn't God keep him here...
Why give me another, it seemed so severe.
The thoughts of replacing him was scary and sad,
But God showed me something, I stopped being mad.
I thank God every day that he felt we could cope,
A loss and a sick one...we were at the end of our rope.
I wasn't replacing him, I was gaining a child...
Who is strong and resilient yet sweet, caring and mild.
You have help your brother and family to heal...
Our hearts and hope you have quickly come to steal.
Kenny needed someone close, his twin couldn't be,
The bond that you created is so special, you see.
Teaching him to walk, to play and to act like the rest...
Honey you simply are truly loved, youre the best.
Yes we miss our Nick, and nothing will replace him,
But being here with us, has lightened the dim.
Some said we shouldn't have had any more,
But look at our life, its score!
You have opened our eyes that God in in charge,
Our lives are worth living, his miracles...quite large.
So Happy Birthday to you, our gift from above,
You have given us pride, hope, joy and love.

written my me (michele)

Happy 5th Birthday Gina. Mommy and Daddy love you more than words can say.

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Well...I did it!!!!

 I got my tattoo of Nicks footprint with a crooked halo (boys will be boys) with the bible verse 5:4 Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be just so happens at my son also died on 5/ it was meant. his footprint is on my left foot because that was the side he was on inside of me and I wanted him to always be walking with me :)

I have a few things I need touched up on I want the halo to be brighter yellow/white and not so much orange..and I'm thinking I want to add a shadow to make it look almost like he's slightly lifted off of me. 
I love it, I love it...and Ron at Gen X tattoos is one amazing artist!!

Wondering about wandering

No one told me how hard a child with autism along with developmental issues, lung issues, brain issues and feeding issues, hearing issues and nonverbal would be. Yesterday I heard chopping I the kitchen...Kenny has a huge butchers knife chopping a cucumber! He is non stop running/wondering...the other day, he was ten houses down the street...i just went to the bathroom!!! now...I'm really scared and feel like a failure as a mommy. We are trying to get a fence put p but the idiots next door wont sign the consent...and we don't have $600. for a survey....(our washer broke, our basement is flooding and we need a new driveway). We've asked the city to help and their hands are tied. so all day everyday I'm chasing him into the front yard or in the backyards of neighbors thatdon't  keep their backyards cleaned up. I'm not super mommy. I just can't....
It's getting harder and harder and we have absolutely no help...sure, people say they want to help, but no one does. I have lost close contacts with good friends because of the stress I have and no time to escape for a few hours...and I'm truly sad over this.
It's a very isolated, high stress and no way out lifestyle. I love my children with heart and soul...but I'm so scared and exhausted.
We can't go anywhere without a meltdown, the beach, the city pool the playground, a restaurant, shopping...everything is off limits.. I don't need the stress and the dirty looks from strangers.
Sometimes I really I don't..but I just hate this never ending stressful everything. And no...please don't say you understand...because no one understands. I pray, and pray for guidance and compassion...and nothing. I do unto other as I would want for myself and I truly feel that God forgot about us.. I'm not expecting ANYTHING, nor do I feel all. I am just throwing my feelings out there. 

So if there are other parents out there that have no help whatsoever...please let me know that it will be alright...because I am seriously at my lowest.