Thursday, July 29, 2010

Working on a Wonderful Life

Just gonna jump in here and start a new post.
Seems like I need to let my feelings out just once more....remember it's my therapy time...tee hee.
This past week, I have dealt with many ups and downs. More downs than's a glass half empty type of week. The downs include:
...Waking up the other morning I went into the bathroom. Sitting there, I was getting mad at the kids for eating upstairs (we had Chinese food and had those Chinese noodles you put on Chop Suey). I thought the kids grabbed the bag and dumped the crumbs in the bathroom (yes, totally random thinking, but at 7 am, what do you expect.) Upon closer examination, all the while still sitting, the "crumbs" were moving....they were everywhere! I jumped up....but making sure I didn't step on any...ewwwww....magots, yep, they were everywhere in my mind you, I may have 7 kids, but I keep my house clean (so no calling child services on us!) LOL. Tony and I spent the morning getting rid of them. We are thinking that they came from a couple of flies that were trapped in our bathroom during one of the hot, humid day...and had a little "fun", because we did find a couple of dead flies. The only other problem is that they were coming from under the toilet (we have rotted wood where we had to connect the toilet to the floor)...where its grouted to the floor. I scrubbed the bathroom down with bleach and Home Defense. I think we got that problem solved. I still tip toe into the bathroom in fear I may just see another one somewhere....eeeewwwww!!!!
...losing the battle with ants. We have tried everything imaginable....from cornmeal to Pine Sol to Ortho Home Defense & Terro ant traps to having someone come out and spray...these little brown irritating pests have made home in MY home! Its small for our huge why "bug" us (yes, a little humor to go with the frustration)? We have figured it out that they are coming from the middle of the living room floor...nothing to do but grab the crow bar and start my own Extreme Makeover! :)
Which leads me to another bring me down type of disappointment. The makeover. I have come to the realization that it wont happen to us. It sucks, but its reality. Our house does not have a roof caving in or some other horrific structural dilapidation. It doesn't have extreme visual deterioration that viewers love to see on the does, however, have underlying problems...Foundation problems, rotted wood (everywhere), insect problems, mold, asbestos, the wall on the right side of the house is bowing outward, pulling the stairs (basement and 1-2nd story steps) away from the wall,, and also the wall has about a 3/4" gap all around the side door...exposing the wood and asbestos sheeting. I don't think it will actually fall, but it is starting to look horrible. Its not a place where I would want Kenny to try to grow up in because of his lungs and how fragile they are ( calling child services on is a clean house, just not healthy for Kenny LOL). Anyhow, we are not living our lives hoping to get the makeover because it would be like winning the lottery...and yes, we have tried that too. So, we will make the most of what we have and keep chugging away at life. Nobody owes us anything...we will make it on our own. We never have nor ever will ask or expect handouts. We provide love, encouragement, food and everything else for our kids to have a great childhood/life. It is what it is. My biggest saying this week has been, "good things DONT happen to good people". We have been through worse, right?

Another problem I faced this week:
...Health insurance. hmmm...been fighting with people last week and this week because apparently, some jacka$$ pressed the wrong button on my acct. and made it so Tony and I have no health insurance. Ummm.. just had a miscarriage...3 ultrasounds, a D&C and doctor visits...not covered is very expensive. And what do I have to show for it...not a pregnancy, but a huge bill and no follow up appt. All because of one persons incompetency. The "people in charge" said that we will have it back starting in August and the past bills...well, I'll have to submit them which will take 3-4 months to get processed but at least I know that it will be handled and that we will have our hospitalization back again. ;)

And yet another...
...Christmas in July! Yes, it was that "time of year" again...when a radio station played Christmas music. I LOVED it. The only problem was, was that it hit me like a ton of brick that Christmas was supposed to be around the time that we would have had a new addition to our family. So it made me just a little sad. I've been great up till this week, so for it to hit me the way it did, I needed to give myself a time out. LOL. I had to remember that it happened not because of me (and my stupid misshaped uterus), but because something was chromosomal wrong with the baby. I wont say everything happens for a reason, because I honestly HATE that saying. When you lose a child and have a child with disabilities and special tend to HATE that saying because death and disabilities DO NOT happen for a reason...there is no great outcome, or better outcome. There is no light at the end of the should never be. A parent should never have to bury a child, no matter what age the child. Not to mention, I hate the feeling that all my life, I will miss my child. I've talked to many older people who have lost a child and they never get rid of the sadness and the feeling of loss. Its not a debilitating sadness but more like a missing piece of your life. If everyone would know the feeling...I bet there would be a lot more sympathetic, caring people in this world that would care more about family than materialistic things and monetary gains. People would stop accusing, pointing fingers as to say "I told you so". They would be more sympathetic to sickness and parental responsibilities. More sympathetic to the trials and tribulations that come with having children. People would also be more sensitive to their siblings for they would know just how important they are in their lives. My sisters and I know this because we lost my brother. My parents know this because they lost their son...Maybe that is why they were all here for us, Tony and I, the minute they found out that Nick was dying. They all came in from out of town to be here for us. They were with us every step of the way...and even to this day. As you can tell, I am very sensitive to this topic.
Which brings me to Kenny...
...trying to not worry about feeding Kenny and him getting a g-tube. I can feed squirrels that are a day old. I can feed the deer that live in our back yard. I definitely know how to feed the rest of the kids. Heck, even the ants and the...a-hem...magots know how to eat in our house...then WHY cant Kenny? I have reverted back to stage 2's with him. Thinking that maybe he needs to start over with the texture. It's been a hard and long couple of days. I am trying with the stage 2 sweet potatoes. I have had some progress with this, but the problem that I am facing now, is that he wont drink as much Pediasure...which has waaay more calories (even with duocal) than the sweet potatoes. August 5th is the day. One week from today to be exact. Tony and I are nervous as all heck. What will it look like? How are we supposed to care for a hole in our kids stomach? What about infection? I guess after everything that has gone on in our lives, we can and will, be able to handle a tube in Kenny's tummy. It is going to help him and that is what we need for him. I just wish that the doctors would have done this a long time ago. Who knows, he could have been less developmentally delayed. My heart breaks for him. And because I've been upset a lot this week, I look at Kenny and every so often, I see Nick. I don't know if it's because Nick knows I am upset or if its my brain just missing him. I am hoping it's the first reason and that he wants me to be comforted.
...and finally, to those of you that have been trying to call, Facebook me or check up on me....I am fine. I am/was taking a much needed "step away from it all" kinda stuck in the house moment to breathe, think and regroup. I've had a tough week. The past 3 years caught up to me...from one thing to the just caught up with me. I am not depressed, just coping. I am coming to terms with things. Everything hit all at once...losses, disabilities of Kenny, sicknesses, hospital stays, very scary moments with Kenny...and yet more to come...starting next week. So you see, I love you all...I just had to step back.
I didn't want this to be a whah whah post...or a "woe is me" post. I don't want, nor expect, anyone to feel sorry for me/us or anything. I am not playing a victim of life, I just wanted to explain where I have been mentally and emotionally at this week. This post has just been written with much emotions (probably PMS...or something LMBO) So I will end it with one of my favorite sayings...because this post IS spilling over with them anyhow...

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Relay for Life

We walked for my mother in law who is a breast cancer survivor, our friend Anthony Z., and for our friends and family that beat cancer and those that passed from it...God bless you all!! This is one event we HAD to do... Cancer is everywhere and effects everyone. Those that have beat it, you are my heros. You are strong, courageous people with a determination that surpasses all others. WOW. Those that are fighting...Keep fighting and dont give up. And those that couldnt beat it...You put up a great fight and we miss you each and every day. You will never be forgotten, ever. ♥

Anthony's Army getting ready to get a group picture.

Our family including Tony's mom and Morgan's friend

The girls trying to cool off

The balloon release

The balloons going to Heaven

Very proud of my Mother in Law who is a 3 year survivor of breast cancer!

May God bless and watch over everyone!

Friday, July 16, 2010

The Rainbow after the storm

A rainbow is a gift, a sign all will be good...
It's that joy after a storm, that is sometimes misunderstood.
God gave us a rainbow for our family to cherish...
One when all hope and faith was ready to perish.
These last two years have been such a blessing,
They have healed the wounds, really has been the dressing.
Thinking back on everything and what this has meant...
The walking, the talking, and encouragement.
You were given to us for a reason we see,
And only God really knows...he holds the key.
God gave you to us because he felt all our pain...
The sadness, the emptiness....its hard to explain.
Losing a child and then, another so sick,
Hoping and praying...nothing did the trick.
When out of the blue, a test came back...yes
Mommy sat and cried, I didn't want this mess.
I lost a child, why didn't God keep him here...
Why give me another, it seemed so severe.
The thoughts of replacing him was scary and sad,
But God showed me something, I stopped being mad.
I thank God every day that he felt we cope,
A loss and a sick one...we were at the end of our rope.
I wasn't replacing him, I was gaining a child...
Who is strong and resilient yet sweet, caring and mild.
You have help your brother and family to heal...
Our hearts and hope you have quickly come to steal.
Kenny needed someone, his twin couldn't be,
The bond that you created is so special, you see.
Teaching him to walk, to play and to act like the rest...
Honey you simply are truly the best.
Yes we miss our Nick, and nothing will replace him,
But being here with us, has lightened the dim.
Some said we shouldn't have had any more,
But look at our life, its score!
You have opened our eyes that God in in charge,
Our lives are worth living, his miracles...quite large.
So Happy Birthday to you, our gift from above,
You have given us pride, hope, joy and love.

written my me (michele)

Happy 2nd Birthday Gina. Mommy and Daddy love you more than words can say.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Recovery of another loss

I am so grateful for all the well wishes that so many of my readers have written to me. That really makes me feel so much better. Makes me feel like I am writing this blog to help others get through their own sadness, bad times, tragedy, and/or losses. Because you CAN get through them...My husband and I are living proof to that.

You know, every time there was something that was happening traumatic (my brother dying, Nick dying and also the previous miscarriages), I wanted it to turn out the way I wanted it I'd be sitting there pleading and begging to God to make things let them live, be alright...but with with pregnancy, I figured all the pleading and begging wont change what God already had a plan I changed MY way of thinking. I did a lot of praying, but this time, it was for God to give me strength for whatever was going to happen. I wanted Him to show me the way to go with this. And I feel that I had so many signs thrown at me throughout the whole 2.5 months of this pregnancy. I had the rainbows, the baby deer, and especially the little voice inside me telling me that this pregnancy was not going to last long. I got to see our baby's heart beating and it moving around. It was an amazing experience. I have 3 pictures (ultrasounds) of the little one and for that, I am thankful to God. I ended up having a D&C on Wednesday because I just chickened out of having a miscarriage naturally. I know my body knows what to do, but my mind and emotional state couldn't handle it. I am sore today but I am glad that its over with. I can move on and focus on my kids. I can start to heal from yet another loss.

God had given me this life and each day I am learning something a little more...about people and how they react to different situations. This is why my I have this blog. I want people to know that anything could happen at anytime in your life, but it wont keep you down unless you want it to. Sure, I've had my, actually many days that I just wanted to crawl into bed and just give up. When I was pregnant with Kenny and Nick, I begged and begged for God to spare my babies an early death. Then watching Nick die in front of our eyes..I never thought that I'd have a child that I would have to bury. We thought we were out of the woods with "bad things" happening to us...I mean, what ELSE could go wrong? right? As Kenny started to develop and grow, we had no idea of what was to come. He has a lot of medical and physical problems which he is always in and out of the hospital. The epilepsy, mod.-severe hearing loss, his chronic lung disease, his eyes that will eventually need to have surgery to correct, the muscle tone issues, the developmental delays, and top it all off, Kenny's doctor just called us this week and told us that he will be getting a g-tube put in on July 12...oh yeah...add failure to thrive to the list. Our fears of the unknown is starting up once again. So with all the other meds and special needs for our miracle, we are adding the care of a g-tube. I know it is the right thing to do for him. He will be healthier, he will gain weight and develop better (we are hoping). I am just scared.

Here's a little story of just how bad things are getting....We went to a friends house to see fireworks the other night...and we never got a chance to just sit and talk to anyone. Kenny was going everywhere. I never realized how much watching over Kenny needs. He didn't want to watch the fireworks, wouldn't just sit and chill...he wanted to walk...walk wherever his little feet could take him. Now...grant it, I am beyond grateful that he is actually walking! That is a miracle in itself. But his autistic side is really starting to show. The gathering and throwing of silverware, slamming doors, head banging...well, you get the point. He had meltdown twice while we were at the party...once in the backyard...the only thing that helped was him sitting on my lap and swinging on the swing. The other time was when the fireworks were going on...Tony and I tag teamed watching him. We had to put a glow bracelet on him because he didn't want us to hold him, he just wanted to just go...not good when there are 6 other kids to keep an eye on and a busy street with crowds of people everywhere. Overall, I loved getting out and seeing our friends. We did have a great time, it was just draining.

We gladly welcomed every one of our children...even the miscarriages. We see that Kenny's disabilities and medical problems as a part of everyday for us now. We don't like it, but we are used to everything...the breathing treatment every night, the different meds every day, the issues that have arose and ones that we will be facing in the future. God gave him to us for a reason...and we intend to make the best of it and help Kenny (and the rest of our kids) grow up happy and as healthy as possible.
Sure, I cry a lot for our kids...for Kenny because of what he has and will continue to go through...and for our other kids for what they had to experience in their lives already. I cry because I am mad and hurt...scared because of what the future holds...but after a good cry and a great hug from my husband (and phone calls to my parents and sisters), I feel much better. It's a great release of emotions (and so is my therapeutic writing on my blog).

I am looking at the situation as the glass half full...I love being a stay at home mommy to my kids. I will find time to dig out my jewelry and headpiece making stuff, drawing and painting stuff out from my closet and attic and one day get back into the swing of things...eventually. But until then, my kids need me. The years are sneaking up quickly...I have an 11 year old and almost 13 year old all the way down to a 2 year old...not to mention, a child with special needs. I want to make the kids lives happy and fun. Its hard to not make it all about hospitals, meds, watching out for Kenny, and sadness of what has happened or is that is why I am trying to make it about what we have. The house, well...we make it work (come on EMHE) for the time being. We've never known anything else, so its just our way of life. Sure the house is small, but ( half full) it's easy to keep clean. We are trying to make the most of this life that God has given matter how stressful it matter what the future holds, no matter how opposite it has turned out from what we expected. God has given us strength, family and true friends who understand and are there for us...and for that, I am beyond grateful. It IS (for the most part) a wonderful life...and if it isn't, God, family and friends will get us through.

Apologizing for this post being all over the place...its just the way I'm feeling today.

BTW...God Bless America! Happy Independence Day.