Bad Mommy Award goes to...ME

And the Bad Mommy Award goes to.......ME! I should have saw it coming...Gina's nose started to run a little bit last night but I didn't make anything of it. I was so determined to find this darn white (or cream colored) sweatshirt or long sleeve t-shirt for Kenny. His preschool class is making leaf shirts at school with a family member and he needed one for today. As the days are going by, we have not been able to find any plain white(or cream colored) sweatshirts or long sleeved t-shirts for that matter! Its been so freakin frustrating. Anyhow, yesterday we went to 4 different stores, desperate to find ANYTHING...and still...nothing. Last night I finally concluded that we were just going to use just a plain white t-shirt for him. I mean...he's just a kid, he'll probably only wear it once...maybe two times before he stains it all up. So that was my decision and I was now getting excited about his craft with a loved one day at school. Oh...let me add that I was also going to be bringing Gina to also make a shirt because Tony had a big job he had to get done for this morning.


The plan of action for this morning was to get everyone up and ready for school (easier said than done). I had my share of kids fighting with each other, and then actually yelling at me! uuuurg!!! Yes...that word....or for those English majors...onomatopoeia...is really showing my frustration from the morning from heck!

The camera was already put strategically in my purse last night so I could just whip it out and start the picture taking of Kenny (and Gina) making their shirts. Yeah...well...massive change of plan. During the night, Gina decided that she was going to start coughing. Not just a small cough that lasts for just a short time...oh no...she had to go to the full extent of sounding like she was a barking seal...ALL.NIGHT.LONG! So this morning, she wakes up...fever, cough and runny nose. LOVELY! So now what am I supposed to do? Its like a deja vu from last year when Kenny was to make a Christmas shirt with a loved one..and Gina was sick. The first thing that I thought of was...medicate her with Benadryl, Triaminic, Vicks...anything that would hide her symptoms...but as the morning is going on, I just cant do that. I would feel very guilty if someone from Kenny's class gets really sick from her. Its bad enough that Kenny is already starting to cough. So...the award for the Worst Mommy In The World goes to...ME. I wont be able to go to Kenny's school and be with him, making his shirt. All the other mommies will be there and my poor Kenny will be by himself...or...at least without a "loved one". I am hoping that Kenny forgives me for not being there for him. The guilt I have over this really blows! It just adds to the past few weeks of events.

I think I'm going to make a huge pot of beef stew...its supposed to be a comfort meal...and boy do I need comfort after this one!

Happy Birthday to our Sydnie!

Happy 7th Birthday to Sydnie

Today is my forth child's birthday...little Miss Sydnie. What a little miracle she is. When she was born, she had a true knot in her cord so she could have easily have passed away if she would have stayed inside of me any longer than the 34 weeks. The doctor was amazed when he saw it....come to think of it, Kayleigh also had a true knot, luckily she was a c-section baby. Anyhow, Sydnie has been such a fun little girl to have part of our family. With her huge eyes and her little duck lips. She is good natured and doesn't care that we have a million nicknames for her...including...Chicken Little, City Chicken (which is her request for dinner tonight), Beverly D'Angelo(because she totally looks like her) and Monkey.
So tonight we will have City chicken for dinner and a teeny tiny ice cream cake (her request) for her birthday dinner. I also have to take donuts to her class today. lol.
A little story that I'd love to share on how my morning had gone so far...
I've been battling a bad cold, you know, sore throat,cough, runny nose and my ears infected, but I have been holding off going the doctor. I just have way too much going on and so does Tony. Well, I woke up this morning, with my right ear hearing everything like it is up to a fan. Double sounds of high pitched and low pitched sounds...so I really think its that time to get to a doctor. So as I am ironing clothes and getting the kids ready for school, Kay asks me for a glass of milk. I get it out and pour it...ITS LUMPY!!! I looked on the expiration date...9/28...ok..so that's not the problem. I'm thinking to myself, boy the fridge is kinda...um...room temperature with a slight chill to it...OMG!!! My refrigerator is dying. Its on the highest setting possible and it is not cold...yet my freezer (which is on the bottom) has "snow" all over everything. Now, grant it, it is 13 years old, so I think that we will be saying goodbye to our beloved fridge. Can you say...time to look on Craigslist for a used one? LOL
I may be LOL-ing on my blog, but deep down inside I am saying "what the heck are we going to do?" I have to throw everything out. It sucks. We have a whole refrigerator full of stuff...all of which are bad now. When it rains it pours, I guess. This bad luck has got to change around...

Thursday is the pep rally for the EMHE build that is coming to the Cleveland area. We are planning on going to it because how many times do you get an opportunity to attend an EMHE pep rally! It should be lots of fun. And you know me, I'll be taking tons of pictures for all to see! My hopes have been quickly diminishing for them to pick us because we have not heard ANYTHING...not one word about anything. No phone call saying that we are one of the 5 finalist...nothing. So its pretty safe to say that we are out of the running for it. I cant deny being a bit...ok...extremely disappointed, especially after my fridge died and my dining room patio door is leaking from the rain this morning...but such is life. I am very happy for the family that will be receiving such a gift from heaven...and would love to help out, even if its to bring snacks or red bull to the site. We even signed up ARTPro Graphics (my husbands sign company) to help with decals and signs...but again...they haven't called him. *sigh* Ok...enough of wallowing in self pitty...LOL...Kenny ate 12 goldfish crackers at school yesterday! WOOT WOOT! I am so happy for my little guy for trying! Now, if anyone can tell me how to keep Kenny from getting wrapped up in his feeding tube at night...I'd love to know the secret to that!
I guess that is all I have to say for today...
May God bless you all with a very productive day.

An Everlasting love...

This week, my head was spinning from everything that had gone on within these last three and a half years...I vowed that I would not look back at it all, but sometimes it just hits me...today is one of them. I am missing my baby . In a perfect world, I should be giving my twins hugs and kisses, dressing them up alike for certain things, and being a mommy to two 3.5 year old little boys who are healthy, walking and talking up a storm and getting into everything. But this isn't a perfect world. My Nick is in Heaven enjoying all the glory being with the Lord, my brother John, Grandparents and my three babies that were miscarried. THEY have the perfect world...we are still here for a reason. Still learning and doing what our purpose is. Instead, I have a heavy heart that will always have a piece missing. I have a little boy who is the love of my life but he cant tell me that he loves me, can only tell me by a huge smile, a hug, or the intense loving look in his beautiful brown eyes when he looks at me. I have a child who is in the hospital at least once a month for one thing or another. A child who has and will continue to have to struggle with so much...breathing, hearing, talking, walking, learning, being able to communicate...how frustrating that must be to not be able to express what you want, feel, say or do. When a doctor tells a pregnant mom to be, "lets just make it one more week" or, "every week inside you makes a big difference", they know what they are saying. A 24 weeker is so much more viable than a 23 weeker...and so on and so forth...If I could have just kept them in for another week or two...If only. To think, I was hoping and praying that we'd come out of this mess unscathed. We really did. We thought, "well, he's home from the NICU, he is healthy and there is nothing wrong." Then the floppy muscle tone mixed with the tight muscles started...the developmental delays, the RSV, pneumonia, the hearing loss diagnosis, Autism, the eating problems, seizures and now his eyes...what more? Uhhh...no...I don't want to know the answer to that. LOL. I guess that is the question on everyone's minds...including the doctors. See, Kenny is more like an experiment in the making...sort of. Even doctors are not quite sure of all the things that can and will happen to a 23 weeker. We all are pretty much waiting for something else...praying for nothing to happen but ready when it does.

After all this...all this nightmare that Tony and I (and the kids) have been through, God has given us something very special...He has given us strength, faith, and love. Strength to face ANY problem. You know, after burying Nick and having to take a second plot right next to him as a "just in case" for Kenny, because it was THAT serious of a situation when they were born. Every day we go there to visit Nick we are reminded how much of a miracle Kenny is...and how much of a blessing that the 2 days of having Nick with us, was. It reminds us how close we came to losing Kenny...many times. God has big plans for him, I just know it.

Our trials and tribulations have brought Tony and I closer than ever (to some peoples disappointment..LOL) We have learned to talk, cry, express ourselves to each other. We don't take anything for granted anymore. God has blessed us with 8 beautiful kids and the opportunity of being pregnant three additional times, but were cut short by miscarriages. Each one, each loss...each trial and triumph, has showed us just how fragile life is. How God is in charge and we are here to just do the best we can with what is given to us. It is up to us to make the most of it. And that is what we are doing. We sometimes just hold one another and just thank God that we have each other. We really are soul mates with an everlasting love.

We, as a family, are stronger and better from all this. We have learned to not take cr@p from people that wants to bring us down. We have learned to not point fingers at people when we don't know the full details of the situation. We have come to respect ALL walks of life and how people act. We have become more devoted and giving from all of this. My kids are loving, caring kids who will go out of their way to help any kid/person that no one talks to or picks on, or has a physical or developmental handicap. It is so beautiful to see my kids interacting with kids that many kids would be scared to even try to talk to. We have learned that FAMILY and friends are extremely important. We have learned that life is too short to bother ourselves with negativity, because we have to stay positive with all that has gone on. Sure, I have my days of just wanting to lay down in bed and just wish this nightmare away and wonder why us, why Kenny, why put our kids through all of this...losing a brother and having a brother that has so much going against him...but then I realize that there are so many people out there that are going through the same things (and worse) than what we are dealing with. My kids will turn out just fine. We will just keep showing them the love and support that we have been giving them since the day they were each born. It is what it is and God wants us to make the most of what is given to us. WE were chosen to experience all that we have gone through and will go through.

So I will go on and continue to take it day by day...to try not to look back at what had happened...but still try to not forget Nick. I want him to live on in my thoughts and mind, like any mom who has lost a child...no matter what age that child was. I want to not have to worry about leaving Kenny with a babysitter. I want to not have to worry about if kids will make fun of him when he gets older. I want to not have to worry if this next cold he gets that he will pass away. I want to just enjoy what God has blessed me with. I will do my best to do that...it will be hard, but not impossible.