Saturday, October 15, 2011

I light a candle tonight...

Today is National Pregnancy and Infant loss Awareness Day.
Please light a candle at 7:00 pm.
In honor of Nick, our many miscarriages and for all of those that has lost a pregnancy or child.

As I light my candle tonight, I pray that all of our angels are together and that we find peace in knowing they are together with God and all of our relatives that have passed on. I pray that no mother, father, grandparent, aunt, uncle or siblings have to experience such a painful loss that hurts well beyond any one's imagination. I pray for every woman who has experienced the joys of finding out that your going to be a mommy only for it to turn to devastation when you hear, "I'm sorry, there is no heartbeat" and then have to bare the burden and guilt of "why me...why couldn't I carry this very wanted baby". Then having to see and be around pregnancy everyday. I pray for the husbands, significant others, and best friends who try to comfort a mommy who has lost a pregnancy or child. And finally, I pray that one day, they can find a way to stop premature labor. I pray that one day, they can save even the sickest and smallest babies.

Tonight I'm lighting a candle for my sweet angel baby, Nicholas and my many miscarried babies that I never got a chance to meet or hold, but still love as much as if I did.
To my sweet son Nick, Mommy misses you more and more each day. I thought as time goes on, it would get easier, but it doesn't. I don't ever want to forget how you smelled or looked. Those 2 1/2 days that you were with us, were the happiest days of my life. I had my twins. I was a mommy to twins. I don't know why God decided to take you...I am still trying to figure that one out, but I can only hope and pray that Uncle John (my brother who passed away at age 24) is with you. As you were dying, I told you to look for Uncle John...I hope you found him. You were a beautiful little man who I wish you could have stayed and been part of our huge, crazy family with all your brothers and you ARE a big brother to your sister Gina. Kenny, your twin is doing great. But you already know that. He has some major lung issues, hearing loss, epilepsy and developmental issues but I tell him every night before he goes to sleep that you are always with him (so you better be!) LOL!!It's so hard sometimes because with all the craziness of life and the doctor appts, PT/OT and any other appts. that Kenny has, I just look at him and see you. Sometimes its really good, but most of the time, it is really hard. I think, wow...I would have had 2 beautiful little boys doing this or doing that. It really sucks sometimes. I also hope that one day we will meet again, and you will know that I am and always will be your mommy who tried to keep you inside of me for as long as I could. I am so sorry that I went into labor with you guys. I am feeling tons of guilt over it...still trying to figure things out. Anyhow, sweetheart...Mommy loves you very much! (not a day goes by that I don't think about you. I miss you terribly)
So please join me tonight at 7 and light a candle for all those babies who have passed and for pregnancies lost.

I light my candle with my head held high to honor my miscarriages and my Nick...I thank God that he gave me you all, even if it was only for a very short time.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Finally a needed break...haha

So I finally had my free time. A little time away...just my hubby and I. We did a lot of walking and talking, enjoyed some wine and just regrouped and reconnected. We didn't have to worry about the kids...they were in good hands. Even Kenny enjoyed his time. He played with toys that he loved. I was hoping he'd do alright since I never had them watch him before. I asked if they were capable of watching a special needs child. One that cant hear, cant talk but loves to gather and group and loves people. When I picked them up, he was happily working on filling a toy shopping cart with everything and anything that was in that play room with him. Tony and I people watched, you know...there are so many different people and tastes in this was pretty neat. We got our dinner for the night and we were kid free! I thought to myself that I could really get used to evenings out like this...

...then reality hit. It was time to get the kids and put the groceries in the car...
who thought grocery shopping could be a date?

I would like to thank the Eagle's Nest Child Care at our local Giant Eagle grocery store for taking great care of 5 of my kids for the hour and a half that we had to shop. I would also like to thank the sales rep for Barefoot Wines for letting me test a few different wines (albeit, they were just a tiny medicine cup full, I thoroughly enjoyed the .50 worth (.25 per cup)...and I found a new favorite...sweet red! tee hee

Ah, the special little moments of getting away from it all.

Now back to a very sick Kenny and round the clock breathing treatments :/