Thursday, July 29, 2010

Working on a Wonderful Life

Just gonna jump in here and start a new post.
Seems like I need to let my feelings out just once more....remember it's my therapy time...tee hee.
This past week, I have dealt with many ups and downs. More downs than's a glass half empty type of week. The downs include:
...Waking up the other morning I went into the bathroom. Sitting there, I was getting mad at the kids for eating upstairs (we had Chinese food and had those Chinese noodles you put on Chop Suey). I thought the kids grabbed the bag and dumped the crumbs in the bathroom (yes, totally random thinking, but at 7 am, what do you expect.) Upon closer examination, all the while still sitting, the "crumbs" were moving....they were everywhere! I jumped up....but making sure I didn't step on any...ewwwww....magots, yep, they were everywhere in my mind you, I may have 7 kids, but I keep my house clean (so no calling child services on us!) LOL. Tony and I spent the morning getting rid of them. We are thinking that they came from a couple of flies that were trapped in our bathroom during one of the hot, humid day...and had a little "fun", because we did find a couple of dead flies. The only other problem is that they were coming from under the toilet (we have rotted wood where we had to connect the toilet to the floor)...where its grouted to the floor. I scrubbed the bathroom down with bleach and Home Defense. I think we got that problem solved. I still tip toe into the bathroom in fear I may just see another one somewhere....eeeewwwww!!!!
...losing the battle with ants. We have tried everything imaginable....from cornmeal to Pine Sol to Ortho Home Defense & Terro ant traps to having someone come out and spray...these little brown irritating pests have made home in MY home! Its small for our huge why "bug" us (yes, a little humor to go with the frustration)? We have figured it out that they are coming from the middle of the living room floor...nothing to do but grab the crow bar and start my own Extreme Makeover! :)
Which leads me to another bring me down type of disappointment. The makeover. I have come to the realization that it wont happen to us. It sucks, but its reality. Our house does not have a roof caving in or some other horrific structural dilapidation. It doesn't have extreme visual deterioration that viewers love to see on the does, however, have underlying problems...Foundation problems, rotted wood (everywhere), insect problems, mold, asbestos, the wall on the right side of the house is bowing outward, pulling the stairs (basement and 1-2nd story steps) away from the wall,, and also the wall has about a 3/4" gap all around the side door...exposing the wood and asbestos sheeting. I don't think it will actually fall, but it is starting to look horrible. Its not a place where I would want Kenny to try to grow up in because of his lungs and how fragile they are ( calling child services on is a clean house, just not healthy for Kenny LOL). Anyhow, we are not living our lives hoping to get the makeover because it would be like winning the lottery...and yes, we have tried that too. So, we will make the most of what we have and keep chugging away at life. Nobody owes us anything...we will make it on our own. We never have nor ever will ask or expect handouts. We provide love, encouragement, food and everything else for our kids to have a great childhood/life. It is what it is. My biggest saying this week has been, "good things DONT happen to good people". We have been through worse, right?

Another problem I faced this week:
...Health insurance. hmmm...been fighting with people last week and this week because apparently, some jacka$$ pressed the wrong button on my acct. and made it so Tony and I have no health insurance. Ummm.. just had a miscarriage...3 ultrasounds, a D&C and doctor visits...not covered is very expensive. And what do I have to show for it...not a pregnancy, but a huge bill and no follow up appt. All because of one persons incompetency. The "people in charge" said that we will have it back starting in August and the past bills...well, I'll have to submit them which will take 3-4 months to get processed but at least I know that it will be handled and that we will have our hospitalization back again. ;)

And yet another...
...Christmas in July! Yes, it was that "time of year" again...when a radio station played Christmas music. I LOVED it. The only problem was, was that it hit me like a ton of brick that Christmas was supposed to be around the time that we would have had a new addition to our family. So it made me just a little sad. I've been great up till this week, so for it to hit me the way it did, I needed to give myself a time out. LOL. I had to remember that it happened not because of me (and my stupid misshaped uterus), but because something was chromosomal wrong with the baby. I wont say everything happens for a reason, because I honestly HATE that saying. When you lose a child and have a child with disabilities and special tend to HATE that saying because death and disabilities DO NOT happen for a reason...there is no great outcome, or better outcome. There is no light at the end of the should never be. A parent should never have to bury a child, no matter what age the child. Not to mention, I hate the feeling that all my life, I will miss my child. I've talked to many older people who have lost a child and they never get rid of the sadness and the feeling of loss. Its not a debilitating sadness but more like a missing piece of your life. If everyone would know the feeling...I bet there would be a lot more sympathetic, caring people in this world that would care more about family than materialistic things and monetary gains. People would stop accusing, pointing fingers as to say "I told you so". They would be more sympathetic to sickness and parental responsibilities. More sympathetic to the trials and tribulations that come with having children. People would also be more sensitive to their siblings for they would know just how important they are in their lives. My sisters and I know this because we lost my brother. My parents know this because they lost their son...Maybe that is why they were all here for us, Tony and I, the minute they found out that Nick was dying. They all came in from out of town to be here for us. They were with us every step of the way...and even to this day. As you can tell, I am very sensitive to this topic.
Which brings me to Kenny...
...trying to not worry about feeding Kenny and him getting a g-tube. I can feed squirrels that are a day old. I can feed the deer that live in our back yard. I definitely know how to feed the rest of the kids. Heck, even the ants and the...a-hem...magots know how to eat in our house...then WHY cant Kenny? I have reverted back to stage 2's with him. Thinking that maybe he needs to start over with the texture. It's been a hard and long couple of days. I am trying with the stage 2 sweet potatoes. I have had some progress with this, but the problem that I am facing now, is that he wont drink as much Pediasure...which has waaay more calories (even with duocal) than the sweet potatoes. August 5th is the day. One week from today to be exact. Tony and I are nervous as all heck. What will it look like? How are we supposed to care for a hole in our kids stomach? What about infection? I guess after everything that has gone on in our lives, we can and will, be able to handle a tube in Kenny's tummy. It is going to help him and that is what we need for him. I just wish that the doctors would have done this a long time ago. Who knows, he could have been less developmentally delayed. My heart breaks for him. And because I've been upset a lot this week, I look at Kenny and every so often, I see Nick. I don't know if it's because Nick knows I am upset or if its my brain just missing him. I am hoping it's the first reason and that he wants me to be comforted.
...and finally, to those of you that have been trying to call, Facebook me or check up on me....I am fine. I am/was taking a much needed "step away from it all" kinda stuck in the house moment to breathe, think and regroup. I've had a tough week. The past 3 years caught up to me...from one thing to the just caught up with me. I am not depressed, just coping. I am coming to terms with things. Everything hit all at once...losses, disabilities of Kenny, sicknesses, hospital stays, very scary moments with Kenny...and yet more to come...starting next week. So you see, I love you all...I just had to step back.
I didn't want this to be a whah whah post...or a "woe is me" post. I don't want, nor expect, anyone to feel sorry for me/us or anything. I am not playing a victim of life, I just wanted to explain where I have been mentally and emotionally at this week. This post has just been written with much emotions (probably PMS...or something LMBO) So I will end it with one of my favorite sayings...because this post IS spilling over with them anyhow...


Jenny F said...

Well said Michelle!! Take care and keep your chin up. Your are handling everything the best you know how and doing great at it!

Malka said...

Far from a self-pitying blog, it just sounds like you needed to write things out to get your mind in order, and to talk with your friends about what's bothering you. That's really therapeutic.

You're an amazing person and I like to keep up with your life because for so long your place was my home away from home, your family was my family. Thank you for being a friend.

Anonymous said...

I have a problem with the shape of my uterus as well. I know exactly what you are going through. Thank you for sharing this blog. It has been so very inspirational to me.

You are an amazing mom! Do you think you & Tony may have one more?

Tiffani said...

Michelle, I will be thinking of you and Kenny next Thursday as Kenny gets his g tube/button. My 23 weeker is also getting her g button on Friday. We will be in the same place for the same reason. I too am scared but you said it best, if we can do all the other things we have done then we can do this as well. I sure hope this helps our kids gain weight! Take care and God bless! Tiffani

Tiffani Symons said...

Hello Michelle, I wanted to write to give you encouragement as Kenny goes for his g tube/button on Thursday. My 23 weeker is also getting her g button next week on Friday. We will be in the same place at the same time for the same reason. My daughter is very small for her age (16lbs, 2 years old). I really hope this will help our kiddos gain weight. Like you said, it is a scary thought yet we have done so many other things for our kiddos this should be just another thing we learn to do. I will be praying for you all and thinking of Kenny. Take care and God bless! Tiffani Symons

Michele said...

Tiffani, I will be praying for your little one for Friday. Good luck with everything! We will be going into this feeding tube experience together. (hugs)

Michele, I love ya!

Jen, thanks.

jules said...

I'm sorry for your loss. I lost one of my twins at 26 weeks and it was really hard. I'm going to have a hard time with Brayden(my son's) birthday because that is the day I met his brother Joshua and it was the worst day of my life. Brayden was born at 27 weeks and 5 days and every milestone he reaches, it is always so bittersweet because I think about what it was supposed to be like.Two identical boys opening up gifts with their sister at Christmas, I wish I had my other son with us all the time. Your video with Kenny and Nick made me cry because it seems like yesterday I was there with that devastating situation.

Write all you want about whatever you want, I will keep reading your posts, and hang in there. Easier said than done but it will work out in the end and there will be a special place in your heart for your babies that aren't with you on Earth.