Whats with...

Whats with ...

EVERYONE (celebs) expecting TWINS?????!!!!

What...God thought THEY could handle them, but I couldnt? I could have...I would have given anything. These celebs have millions and STILL have twins...I dont have squat, and have a surviving twin that is special needs...I Just dont get it. I try to do everything right in life...go to church, nice to everyone, try to help people as much as possible, etc... yet..God didnt think I could handle twins? I am having a moment! I am feeling really down! Why is it that I couldnt have both of MY twins? LIFE IS NOT FAIR!!!! I was so ready to be a mom to twins. It was something that I've always dreamed of. I love my Kenny with all my heart...please dont get me wrong...I just miss the whole "mommy of twins" thing that I was looking forward to. I'm so sad today...maybe it's from lack of sleep...I dunno.I'm going to have a BIG glass of wine now!

Oh...BTW..Happy Birthday (In Heaven) John...tomorrow (Aug. 6)

I hope you are spending it with Nick. Love and miss you, Bro!
I feel really bad for my parents now knowing what it feels like to lose a child. It hurts...birthdays hurt. Love you tons Mom & Dad.

Update On Life

We are proud parents to 8 children...(7 living and one angel)!
I had Gina on the 17th of July @ 36 weeks...the furthest I've ever been with a pregnancy! yeay me! LOL! The labor and birth were perfect. Gina is a little sweetie. She LOVES to sleep on anyone's chest...especially my DH's...oh he is gonna spoil her! LOL!!! She does poop A LOT! Just about every diaper change...and Isomil Advanced formula makes for a very STINKY poop! LMBO! She is up every 3-4 hours which is typical. Thank God I am still used to it from Kenny...who BTW is sleeping through the night now. I don't know what I would do if they BOTH were up all night long! It is harder than if I were to have had the twins, because Kenny is doing more things than her. More demanding and needs more attention, especially with his physical therapy. So my days consist of cleaning, feeding one or the other, changing diapers, physical therapy, and cooking. I really don't mind it. I guess that is what comes with having tons of kids. I just would love to get out of the of the house every once in a while.

Here is the birth story:
I went in to be induced, but I was already contracting. He checked me and I was 4-5 at about 10 p.m. (they were very busy in L & D that night. I was in the triage area from 7-10). Anyhow he told me that he didn't want to give me pitocin because of the previous 2 c-sections...I guess it could bring on too strong of contractions and rip open the old incisions...YUUUUUCK! So...he said that he wanted to break my water, but AFTER I had the epidural, because I go fast. Well...again...the anesthesiologist was in the O.R. till 2:00 am....so until that time, I was STILL just 4-5 dilated (I have to speed this story up, because the kids are driving me nuts!!!)2:00 - broke my water2:30 - got the epi (ahhhhh what a relief)4:00 - the contractions were starting to get strong, but I wasn't feeling any pain...just looking at the monitor!the nurse and student doctor checked me...I was a 65:15 - started getting sick to my stomach and shake...I knew I was getting to 10!!! I had the student doc check me and I was 7-8!5:30 - I felt some pressure in my butt...no pain though! I was shaking real bad and I KNEW I was complete...I told my nurse that someone better check me because I was feeling REALLY bad....she called the doctor in and the doctor checked and said I was a nine....wait....the rest of the cervix just went away...you are now a 10 and ready to push! I couldn't feel myself pushing and I knew I was pushing really wrong....I kept getting really frustrated because of it so my doc got the forceps and just used them to help get her head out. I was pushing for about 10 minutes and out she came. I didn't tear or anything! It was THE BEST birth experience ever! Totally made up for last year with the twins!

Kenny is doing pretty good. We are switching him over to pediasure because he needs to gain some weight (he is not quite 17 lbs.), and I guess it has 30 calories rather than the 24 that Neosure has per bottle. He is still not really sitting up on his own. If I sit with him on the floor, and hold his hips, he sits for about a half hour. Buuut he doesn't use his arms to hold himself up...and that is the problem. He needs to build up his arm muscles. He is not even crawling yet because of his arms. He still is on his forearms and not his hands. He is still on 1/8 liter of oxygen at night though, so that is a big step. We are working on Kenny eating some textured foods because he has a gag reflex to anything with small pieces. This is due to his breathing tube. So he gets half a cheerio in his mouth about 3-4 times a day...until he is comfortable with it...so far...he is so not! He does say mama, dada, aba (baba) though....oh he also says "yeah" when he is excited! LOL!

He is the love of my life and I am so blessed with him...we are just going to keep working on his physical and occupational therapy and get him where he needs to be, developmentally! I am kinda having a hard time with thinking of "what ifs"...you know...what if Nick was here. I would have my twins...which I always knew, in my heart that I would have one day... what would he be doing? How much fun it would be with two baby boys. *sigh* ...It must just be the postpartum kicking in.

Just a little poem

I know I haven't posted in a loooong time. There is so much happening in our lives right now that it's been really hard to even find the time to get online! Anyhow, I found a beautiful poem that has brought many tears to my eyes and would love to share with you.

A Different Child

A different child,

People notice

There's a special glow around you.

You grow

Surrounded by love,

Never doubting you are wanted;

Only look at the pride and joy

in your mother and father's eyes.

And if sometimes

Between the smiles

There's a trace of tears,

One dayYou'll understand.

You'll understand

There was once another child

A different child

Who was in their hopes and dreams.

That child will never outgrow the baby clothes

That child will never keep them up at night

In fact, that child will never be any trouble at all.

Except sometimes, in a silent moment,

When mother and father miss so much

That different child.

May hope and love wrap you warmly

And may you learn the lesson forever

How infinitely precious

How infinitely fragile

Is this life on earth

One day, as a young man or woman

You may see another mother's tears

Another father's silent grief

Then you, and you alone

Will understand

And offer the greatest comfort.

When all hope seems lost,

You will tell them

With great compassion,

"I know how you feel. I'm only here

Because my mother tried again."

Written by Pandora Diane MacMillan

I have also finished the second half of my twin movie. I will be posting it asap.
Kenny has been sick on and off this whole winter season. It is mostly his lungs that are giving him problems. He is on Albuterol for his wheezing episodes. He has learned to love the smell of Vicks! LOL! His physical therapy has been doing OK...but because of being sick a lot, he has missed going to some of his appointments. Luckily, The PT comes to our house 2 times a month!
He is now a very vocal and active little man. We are working on his arm strength. His legs are getting nice and strong...he is even placing weight on them and locking his little knees, bur he is still not grabbing for things and not lifting his upper body up on his arms a whole lot. Oh! I also started him on baby food. He loves his sweet potatoes, cereal and bananas...but cant stand peas and beans. He is around 14 1/2 lbs now...my little chub-ster! I guess that's about it. Will update very soon with pics!

Thanksgiving and after

Well, our Thanksgiving was SO nice! I swear, it was such a Norman Rockwell type holiday. The night before, the kids and I made chocolate pies and pumpkin pies then the kids cut up the bread for stuffing, while listening to Christmas music. Then on Thanksgiving morning, Tony and Johnny and Doug went and played their annual Turkey Bowl Football game. Tina came over to keep me company. I spent all morning cooking and watching the Macy's parade. Morgan was so excited to see the Rockettes...every year since she was a baby, she loved to watch them! LOL! Anyhow, I put on an 18 lb. turkey, tons of stuffing, 3 big heads of cauliflower, 4 huge bunches of broccoli, 5 packs of brussel sprouts, sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes, and corn. YUMMY! We broke out our good china for that feast!
Before dinner, I went to visit my Nicky at the cemetery. I put up a little tiny tree right by him. Oh the grass finally grew so its not all muddy there any more. My FIL is making a wooden cross to put up for the winter. This way, we can find where he is at when there is 2 feet of snow on the ground. Just so sad that he wasn't spending Thanksgiving with us. Hopefully he was spending it with Jesus at his dinner table. I miss him so much.
On a lighter note, Kenny just got over one real bad chest cold and has just started another one! Last week we put him back on his oxygen because of his apnea monitor alarm going off on low heart rate. Seems like when he falls into a deep sleep, he forgets to breathe...kinda scary! SOooo...the oxygen is staying put...mostly at night. He is now in 3 month clothes! Woop Woop! My almost 7 month old...in 3 month clothing.LOL! We bought him a walker to sit in so he isn't laying down all the time. He really likes it.
I took the family Christmas picture yesterday...you know how hard it is getting 6 kids to smile and look at me all at once? It was NOT easy! I wanted to take it over again, but the kids didn't want any part of that. I don't like how the tree looked in the final picture..looked kinda small..but it really isn't! OK, well today is my hubby's 42nd birthday. I cant believe that he is 42! I met him when he was 24! We've been together for a Loooooooooooong time! I love it! Well, that's all for now.

Time for another update

A lot has happened since I posted last. Halloween, birthdays, and RSV season! Yes...those 3 little letters that could be very dangerous for my little guy. He got his first Synagis shot last week and will be getting a shot a month until April. In the mean time, no going ANYWHERE with Kenny. Pretty much on house arrest. I am scared to death that he will be getting sick. He is doing SO VERY good now! He is starting to baby babble and smile a whole lot! We are still working on his physical therapy for his tight muscles in his neck, shoulders, arms, hands and tummy. The therapy seems to be helping...he isn't so tight in his hands, but he does still clench his fists every now and then. He is eating every 3-4 hours and sleeping more at night! Gone is his oxygen...but we are still keeping it around him, just in case he gets sick. His beautiful smile just brightens my day! We are being told to expect him to be hospitalized IF he does get a bad cold...so the older kids have to change their clothes when they come home from school, wash their hand and make sure they are not runny nosed before they can even think about holding him! LOL!
On another note....the house and car are falling apart! Try fitting 8 people in a caravan made for 7....does not happen! It's almost as good as fitting 8 people in a 3 bedroom, 1100 sq. ft. home....Baaa Haaa Haaa! Not comfy at ALL! We need another vehicle and house...badly. Maybe Santa will give us a winning lottery ticket for Christmas...(LOL)!
Anyhow, we now have a cute little fox living in our backyard...I finally got a good picture of that little guy! He usually comes out in the later morning and runs back and forth from one yard to another!
Lets see...oh, my 20th Reunion is coming up, but I really don't think I'm going...there are only a few people I really would want to see anyhow...and we can ALWAYS set up our own little reunion. It kinda would be fun, but I have not been in the mood to sit and talk about my life to a bunch of people that didn't care about me way back when, anyhow. What...I'd talk about how I have lived in the same small house for 12 years, had 7 kids, but 1 died, oh and 2 miscarriages...we are in debt up to our eyeballs...to the point of getting sued, our 1 and only vehicle is on its last legs, my youngest child MIGHT have cerebral Palsey on top of hearing loss and god know what else because I couldn't carry them to term...UGH... Now I'm starting to ramble. I'll tell you what, I would not wish my life on anyone. It is SO NOT EASY...but I am trying to deal with it. All I can hope for is that my kids grow up to he happy, successful individuals who have a great sense of morals.
Now off the pity party...My little Kayleigh who just turned 2, is now potty training! Poop and Pee on the potty! Woo Hoo! If I can just get Syd to go, we'd be all set! LOL!I'll be updating more, I've got to make the time...I will make the time! Love you all and miss you too!

Kenny’s Hernia surgery

Everything went very well today. I had to be there at 6:00 AM, so I was pretty tired. He had the hernias repaired on both sides. He pulled through like a champ! After surgery, I got to feed him in recovery then after that, his mouth area turned blue and his oxygen level dropped. All these nurses and 2 doctors came in and gave him a higher oxygen level (2 liters) and an albuterol treatment for his lungs. He bounced back from that after he gave me a heart attack! Anyhow....here are some pics I took of him today! The nurses and doctors were amazed that he was a 23 week-er, with the way he was recovering and acting! HE EVEN ROLLED OVER TODAY!!!!!!

On another note....Happy Angel day to my angel Nick. I cant believe it has been 5 months since I held you and talked to you. You were so real to me and I really, really miss you! Thanks for taking care of Kenny! I love you honey!
Love, Mommy

yet another update on Ken man!

Well....my little man is now 5 months old...can you believe it?! We have been through tons of doctor appts these last couple of weeks and it doesn't look like there is an end in sight! But that is oooookkkkkk! Kenny is now 8 lbs. 5 oz, and is doing just wonderfully. Me on the other hand....I feel like I was run over by a mack truck! Between Kenny wanting to be held all day long, his medications, going to one doctor or another, the oxygen and the apnea monitor and then you get all the other kids in there, and oooooh boy....can you say....I need a break! LOL! joking! Anyhow. He had his eye and hearing appointments today and he passed his eyes with flying colors...no ROP anywhere to be found! Yeay! His hearing was almost as good. His left ear is fine, but his right ear seems a little deaf...but only where he cant hear real quiet sounds...not too bad! He also went for an appt. for his hernia...which he will have it operated on on Thursday. He will be spending the night there because of his lungs and being sedated for the surgery. Other than that...he is my little miracle! All the doctors keep telling me is how amaizingly healthy and strong he is for being a 23 week-er! No Brain bleeds, no Cerebal Palsey, No blindness, not that much deafness also. His lungs are still pretty bad, but he is getting the shots for the RSV season, so hopefully that will help. I am just so happy that he is hopefully going to be ok...I have been terrified about something being horribly wrong with him. Next week, he has his cardiologist appt and his peds appt.
Oh...one little funny that I thought I'd share....you know how he has to wear his nasal cannula...well we tape it to his cheeks or his temples to hold it in place....the kid has some kind of weird skin...no tape...not even the doctors tape sticks to him! At the audiologist appt today, they had to put the electrodes on his head...nothing stuck! The nurse was totally baffled, saying that the stickiness on these things will stick to anything...yeah...except for my micro preemies skin! LOL!!!
Ok...that's pretty much all. I am sorry I haven't been posting much...WAY to busy!

Another update

Kenny doesn't sleep very well at night and likes/wants to be held all day...by only me...it is definitely taking its toll on me! Monitors, oxygen, doctors appts, crying, taking care of all the kids AND the house stuff is so tough. I just wish Tony wouldn't have to work so much. I just have to keep telling myself that this is not forever and things will get better...right?!
I just want to say Happy Birthday to my beautiful little girls, Sydnie (4th) and Kayleigh (2nd)!
On a lighter note, I LOVE FALL...it is getting so fall-ish outside now, the leaves are starting to fall and the kids have already played in a leaf pile they raked. Oh to be a kid again. I want them to grow up happy and healthy....all of my kids. I am only hoping that they all become responsible, happy kids who succeed in whatever they put their minds to. Fighting within a family is not worth it. Life is too short to worry about stupid stuff and money problems. GRRRR!
Anyhow....Love you all...and I mean ALL!

Kenny is HOME!!!!

after 128 days (4 months, 5 days) in the NICU...Kenny is home!
He is on 1/8 liter oxygen and an apnea monitor. He still has his hernia and his reflux and he is on 3 different meds (one is just a vitamin), but I LOVE MY LITTLE MIRACLE GUY!!! He now weighs 6 lbs, 7 oz!!!!
Mommy is not getting ANY sleep, but that is OK by me! I just sit and stare at him and think about how God has totally blessed me. He could have taken both of my boys home to heaven, but he left me the stronger of the two. I miss my Nick, I wish I was holding both boys and staying up all night with both of them, but God will, and has give me strength to go on and take care of my 6 beautiful kids. I know that my little Nicky is with us in spirit and will always be. He helped Kenny get through being born 17 weeks early, 3 surgeries, 2 infections, 12 blood and platelet transfusions, 0 brain bleeds, 3 months on a ventilator...oh the list can go on and on...
We were blessed with great doctors and nurses at Metro Hospital and the Hospice is great too. We use their resources for the kids to talk about Nick's death and Kenny's hospital stay. The friends and family of all of us have been a great shoulder to lean on too! I know it is not going to be an easy road, but I am sooo looking forward to the challenge! I will continue to post pics and updates!

My due date

today was my due date.
I know I never made it to my due date, but the day is still here. I think I will go visit Nick at the cemetary and then Kenny at the hospital. I cant believe that it has been 17 weeks since my boys were born! If you think about it...that is SOOOOOOOOOOOO early! It is such a miracle that Kenny is still here and that Nick lived for as long as he did (a short 2 days). Wow! I am so thankful today that I have my little Kenny!

School started...and Kenny is doing well

Havent written in quite a while...busy, busy, busy! Last Friday we had a High School Musical party...complete with lots of kids and plenty of noise. We all had so much fun!

Well...first day back to school....can you say...WOO HOO!!!! Tony is in the 4th grade, Taylor in the 3rd grade and Morgan is in the 1st grade. The kids wont be home for 6 hours a day during the week!! YEEEEESSSSS!!!! No more breaking up fights all day long, waiting on them, cleaning up after them...no, none of that! Yippee! I have Sydnie and Kayleigh and they LOOOOVE to relax and just take it easy! I can get some cleaning and laundry done! Oh my...did I just say that! LOL!

Kenny is doing pretty good. He pulled the feeding tube out yesterday...it was back in today. He was wearing a cute little outfit that his Nana and Papa got him when I went there today.
I just love and miss him so much. I really wish I could be visiting both Kenny and Nick in the step down in the NICU. I wish this hurt in my heart would go away. It's kinda a bittersweet situation going on. One hand, I thank God everyday for giving me Kenny yet on the other, I am so mad that He took my other baby from me so soon. I so wish I could be sitting here, writing about both boys and their growth and accomplishments. I just have to keep having faith in knowing that Nick went to heaven so soon, for a reason. I may not know it, but he and God does. He is truly Kenny's guardian angel. Even the nurses are so amazed that he has had no brain bleeds. It is almost not even heard of with such an early preemie. So my little angel is really looking after his twin brother.

Havent posted in a while....some updates

Okey dokey...here is the whole scoop. Kenny is off the ventilator and on C-PAP! He HATES IT. We still get to hold him...they just put the nasal cannula in at a higher oxygen level for us and take off the big ol' C-PAP tubes. He is beautiful (I know, I know....he is my son, so I'm allowed to say that!) LOL!!!
He still has the staph infection, but it is being treated with the antibiotics...to me, he doesnt look sick like the last time he had an infection, but...I'll take their word on it. They checked his eyes again, and he does have ROP (retinapathy of prematurity) in both eyes...different stages though. It works in, I think 5 stages...5 being the worst. He has stage 1 and stage 2...they are watching the eye with stage 2, because stage 3 is when they do the lazer surgery.
He has gained a ton of weight! My little guy is alreadly 3 lbs, 12 oz!!! WOO HOO!!!! Tony asked his nurse when he should be coming home, and she feels that a few more months should do the trick! It seems like such a long time to wait, but I'll wait as long as I have to, as long as he is healthy.
I never realized how all this is hitting me...I think I am going through some post pardom depression or something. I am so exhausted, and just blah. It feels like I had a miscarriage sometimes. Ya know....I never really experienced my "twin pregnancy". I buried a son and my other one is slowly making progress, but I have nothing here at home to show that we have a baby. No bassinett set up, no newborn diapers, no baby boy clothes...nothing. For almost 3 months, its been...got to go to the hospital...stay for an hour, then come home...and life continues. I have to admit, it is very trying.
On another note...I think I am done pumping. LOL! I have more than enough milk to feed everyone in ethiopia! LMBO!!! They are feeding him high calorie formula at the hospital, so what is the point of me pumping my boobs off! tee hee! So, I think...as of today....I am done pumping. (i think).
The other kids are doing great...Tony and Taylor just finished the baseball season...YEAY! Tony starts football the second week of August. He is SO looking forward to that!...And that is about it....I'll update ya soon.

Well...it was good while it lasted!

Last night, while I was visiting Kenny, he had 3 apnea episodes...to the point where the nurses had to help me to get him to breath. *sigh* Anyhow...the doctor called me this morning, and they are putting Kenny back on the ventilator! Can you say F***! He said that he was having apnea episodes all night long and that he was getting tired, so as a precautionary thing, they were putting him back on, and starting him on antibiotics. THIS FREAKING SUCKS! You'd think, him being 3 lbs now, that he would be fine....guess not! So everyone, please say prayers that it is not an infection and that he will come off the vent in a day or two.

Yet another Kenny update

My little man is starting to be fed from a bottle! They started him off yesterday, with 10 cc's and he drank it like a champ! He had absolutely no d-sats or heart rate drops while being fed, which is wonderful! He is surprising even his nurses! So their plan of attack with him is, he will still be fed through the feeding tube every 3 hours, but once a day, he will have one bottle. YEAY!!! He is just learning, so they are going to take it slow.
The girls and I had girl day/night last night while Tony and little Tony went camping with the cub scouts. We did the typical girly girl stuff....go to McDonalds and play in the play area for 2 hours, go home and watch the Disney Channel, do nails, eat ice cream and camp out in the living room. Hey...we even stayed up till midnight! I AM BEAT!!!!
When Tony and Tony came home, I asked them to go to the hospital to see Kenny because I was WAY too tired and my (too much info) boob hurts from pumping. I swear...now I know why I never breast fed any of the other kids! ouch! LOL!!! Anyhow....They had some serious male bonding, the three guys...and we did too...us girls!

It's been a while....but some new good news

Well.....at 9 weeks (33 weeks gestational) Kenny is on nasal canula!!!! He is weighing 2 lbs. 9 oz.!!! I am soooooo happy. He may have to go back on the C-PAP, but for now... he is doing really good!

Holding my Kenny for the first time!

I GOT TO HOLD MY LITTLE MAN TODAY....FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER!!!!
He is still sick with an infection and the lower right lobe of his lung is collapsed, but they let me hold him!!!! Every emotion went through me tonight from scared to hold him, scared that he will die, scared to love him too much and then lose him...to excited to Finally hold him, excited to look into his eyes and kiss his little head...to...sad. sad that I wont ever be able to do this with Nick, sad that they couldn't stay put inside of me for longer, a lot longer. Sad that my little Kenny will never know his own special twin bond with his brother. There was also tons of love. Love beyond any love. To love such a tiny being is so breath taking. I finally sort of felt like this whole 2 months was real. That I WAS pregnant, hospitalized for almost 3 weeks, went through a c-section, excited that I had twins and then suddenly, lost one of my babies while the other is fighting for his with all his might. It was real that I felt them move and kick inside of me. It was real that I talked to them every single night, telling them that I loved them and to stay inside of me until they were able to survive outside of me.
All of the not knowing if Kenny will live or die after his surgery, infections, etc... Takes a toll on anyone, but tonight....tonight was worth everything. I got to hold my little miracle!

Sunday, June 3, 2007

Kenny is 1 month as of yesterday, and he is not doing good.
UGH!!! These past 2 days have been, what they call it, one of the "lows" that everyone talks about in the NICU. Kenny needed a blood transfusion yesterday and they found that he had an infection somewhere in his little body. They are not sure where it is, so they stopped his feeds and put a catheter in him. They also did a chest x-ray and a brain scan which, as of yesterday, came back clear. This morning, I called over to the hospital, and he needs ANOTHER blood transfusion! They raised his ventilator settings some too. Please pray for him everyone.
My poor little baby.

A beautiful poem

I found a great poem for me

WHAT MAKES A MOTHER
I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked "What makes a Mother?
"And I know I heard Him say."
A Mother has a baby
"This we know is true"
But God can you be a Mother,
When your baby's not with you?"
"Yes, you can," He replied
With confidence in His voice
"I give many women babies,
When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay."
"I just don't understand this
God I want my baby to be here.
"He took a deep breath and cleared His throat,
And then I saw the tear.
"I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child's smile,
With all the other children and say...
'We go to Earth to learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much,
But I visit her every day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow's where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
Mommy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I'm here.'
So you see my dear sweet ones,
your children are okay.
Your babies are born here in My home,
And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me,
Until your lesson's through.
And on the day that you come home
they'll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart
it's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start
Though some on earth may not realize,
you are a Mother. Until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day
and know that you are the best one!"


I have been having a pretty rough couple of days. Kenny is doing GREAT. They did a head ultrasound and also a chest x-ray today to see how he is doing. We wont get the results back till tomorrow. He is at his birth weight today too! woo hoo! I just love him soooo much!!! I'll be posting tomorrow to update everyone on how he is doing.

5/24 update

Hi everyone. Just want to update you on Kenny...since everyone is asking...He is doing EXCELLENT!!!!! I called over to the NICU this morning, and his nurse told me that he had a great night and morning. That they lowered his oxygen on his ventilator to 39%, his blood gas levels are wonderful and that he loves his steroids! Tony says that he will be a baseball player because of all of the "roids"! LOL!!! Anyhow, his brain scan came back clean...no brain bleeds! They took him off the morphine drip and are weening him off of it slowly. If he keeps doing good, they plan on tube feeding him 1cc of my breast milk in a few days...the whole top shelf of the freezer, at the NICU, is filled with bottles that I have pumped...I am quite the milking machine. LOL!!! I'm doing good too. I have my moments of crying, but knowing that Kenny is going good, I feel good. It just seems so unreal, all of this. I was barely pregnant, didnt have any contractions so I didnt really feel like I was having my guys. It is just like...kinda a weird thing that I have a little baby again, but I dont...just weird thats all. Here are some pics:

latest update on our little Kenny

Well, as of this morning....HE IS DOING GREAT!!!! They are giving him steroids and that seems to be doing him wonders! He is down to 54% oxygen on his ventilator and is pulse oxygen level is at 97%. So these last 2 days, he has been getting stonger and stronger! Thank you all for all the prayers and support. We are still definitly not out of the woods, but at least I can breathe a sigh of relief for the time being. Oh...they also did a head ultrasound on him to see if he had any brain bleeds...and his little brain is perfect! My little Kenny is a fighter and he has all of you to thank, for all the prayers and also his angel twin, Nick who is with him, strengthening him....always.

My bad day today

Boy oh boy...seems like this is going to be an on going thing....This mornings update on Kenny: They put him back on 100% oxygen (up from the 66% yesterday). He had a bad night last night. They are putting him on a morphine drip because he has been agitated and slightly in pain from the oscillator pulsating his little lungs and body. Guys, I don't know how much my little baby can take of this. I am having a HORRIBLE day today. Unable to stop crying. I feel bad because I am not pregnant anymore, and I should STILL be. I feel bad that I cant feel my boys kicking me anymore, and they should still be. I feel bad that I don't have them here, at home, with me...they should be. I cant hold, touch or even kiss my babies..one forever and the other for a long time. I feel bad that I will never know what Nick would look like or act. I feel bad that all these "life-saving" treatments will do more harm to my little guy than good. I am trying to keep telling myself that it wasn't my fault that they were born early, but it's not working. I carried them, I should of been able to keep them in me for a few more weeks. What did I do so wrong in life for all of this to happen to me and Tony. I am having a really hard time with everything that has and is happening to us right now. Why couldnt God just let me have a miscarriage way back in December, when I thought I was having one! Sorry....I just had to write out my feelings.

Kenny opened his eyes

My little man opened his eyes tonight!!! I am so excited! Just had to share.

A bad night

The doc just called and told me that he had a very bad night. They switched his ventalator to an oscilator and now he is on 90% oxygen. I am so scared. I dont want to lose him too!!! Please say a prayer or 20 for him.

Kenny so small

Here are some pics of Tony and me touching Kenny...Just to give you an idea of how small he is. He has his central line in and is on antibiotics. Last night and this morning he wasn't doing very well, but they got him stable and comfortable.

funeral pics

Hope I dont offend anyone on here...My dad took some pics of the funeral today so here is a couple...

Nicks funeral is today

And I really dont know if I can handle it! I am dreading this day!I never thought I'd see my childs name in the death notices...IT FREAKING SUCKS!!!!http://obits.cleveland.com/Cleveland...sonID=87949992
On the other hand...Kenny is still stable. He is on 30% oxygen on his ventilator and is getting his central line put in today. They were supposed to do it when he had his heart surgery, but couldnt get it coordinated with the surgeons, so it will be this morning. *sigh* Today is a bad day for me.:11: Sorry to come on here complaining, I am just heartbroken. Thats all.Love you all.

Kenny made it through surgery

He is doing real good. He lost some weight, now he is 1 lb 4 oz. but is a strong little guy! So thanks for all the prayers...keep 'em coming! Here are some pics from today...after the surgery. Now I'm off to the funeral home for my little Nicky

Kenny is having heart surgery

He has what they call, PDA. So today at 1:00, they are doing this surgery on him to close a unneeded valve on his heart. They are also putting in a central line so they don't have to poke him with needles all the time. I am so nervous!

5/7/07

Hi everyone...Well first off, thanks for all the prayers. It has been REALLY hard for us. Today, we are going to the funeral home to make the arrangements for Nick. Kenny is (knock on wood) still hanging on. He is having some problems with a heart murmur and a couple of other things. The nurse told me this morning that he has an angel watching over him. I am so sad and scared that I am going to lose him too! I feel like I am in a bad dream. I just wish I could wake up and I am still pregnant. My c-sec incision hurts, my boobs hurt because after 5 kids, I decided that pumping my milk would help them...even though Kenny cant have any for a LONG time. I don't want any of this to be happening to me.Here is a picture of Kenny, please keep him in your prayers.

A very sad day

It's me, Michele. I just want to thank you all so very very much for all your prayers and stuff for the hospital. As you all know, yesterday my worst nightmare came true...Nick passed away. I just held him and loved him. I am SO SO SO SAD! Long story short...his lungs were filling up with blood and they couldnt stop it. My heart is broken! I'll be writing you a little later tonight.