Friday, May 18, 2007

My bad day today

Boy oh boy...seems like this is going to be an on going thing....This mornings update on Kenny: They put him back on 100% oxygen (up from the 66% yesterday). He had a bad night last night. They are putting him on a morphine drip because he has been agitated and slightly in pain from the oscillator pulsating his little lungs and body. Guys, I don't know how much my little baby can take of this. I am having a HORRIBLE day today. Unable to stop crying. I feel bad because I am not pregnant anymore, and I should STILL be. I feel bad that I cant feel my boys kicking me anymore, and they should still be. I feel bad that I don't have them here, at home, with me...they should be. I cant hold, touch or even kiss my forever and the other for a long time. I feel bad that I will never know what Nick would look like or act. I feel bad that all these "life-saving" treatments will do more harm to my little guy than good. I am trying to keep telling myself that it wasn't my fault that they were born early, but it's not working. I carried them, I should of been able to keep them in me for a few more weeks. What did I do so wrong in life for all of this to happen to me and Tony. I am having a really hard time with everything that has and is happening to us right now. Why couldnt God just let me have a miscarriage way back in December, when I thought I was having one! Sorry....I just had to write out my feelings.

No comments: