Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Broken dreams

I woke up this morning from a bad dream.

I was at a library of a school with Morgan and Kenny but they were older.Morgan was in her early 20's and Kenny maybe 15-16.
Kenny was acting the way he acts now...unable to talk but was babbling up a storm...but really loud. I was trying to tell him to shhhh...keep it down, we were in a library. I was holding his one hand, and Morgan the other. We started to walk with him, when all of a sudden a group of kids (his age), started mimicking him and making fun of him.
...I woke myself up from this nightmare...
But was it? So far, my biggest fears have become reality, what happens if my secondary "biggest" fears become true? What then? I wanted to tell the group of kids all the spectacular things that he has accomplished. I wanted to tell the kids that he has come such a long way since the 1.7 lbs in the NICU. But all I felt was my heart breaking in half with a huge lump starting to form in my throat. I remember (in my dream), looking over at Morgan. She has that really sad look in her eyes as if to be saying, "mommy, make them stop being so mean." This time, mommy couldn't help.
You know, this is all to common. My oldest son and daughter just got glasses (I have to say, they look adorable). My daughter LOVES son...the opposite. He is starting to wear them around the house and has told me that he can actually see detail to everything (yes...he is very nearsighted...almost as much as I am). But he is so afraid that he is going to be made fun of at school. He has told me straight out that he refuses to wear them there. Again, my heart is breaking for him. I remember when I was in elementary and Jr. High school, my twin sister and I were made fun of on a daily basis. We had glasses and we everyone eyes...nerds. We had each other and a couple of really close friends which I really think saved us and our self esteems. I hated the daily snubs, name calling and the laughing behind our backs at us...I hated it. And now, my kids are worried about it and I am having nightmares about it for my kids. If the kids make fun of someone because of glasses, what are they going to do when Kenny goes to school? Kids wont care how much Kenny has accomplished in the years that he has been alive, just like they wont care that glasses on Tony's face will finally help him see the board from his seat!
Who has a right to judge, to make fun of? Why do kids (and adults) have to be so cruel?
You know when you wake up from a dream and the feeling you felt quickly goes away with the dream...not this one, my stomach is still upset from this. I just want to protect my kids from all the bad in this world. From all the name calling, trying to be popular, trying to fit in...but I know I cant. I just have to take a deep breath and pray that my kids are strong enough to make it through...and come out better for it.
....It was just a dream, a bad dream...a broken dream.

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