Saturday, January 17, 2009

Life....why does it have to be so hard

I am trying to understand why life...the one that is supposed to be fun, adventurous and exciting, turning into more of a life of sadness, fear and unknowing. After the first one, It just felt natural. I love being a mommy...what I didn't sign up for was the fact that I had 8 children, 1 child die, 2 miscarriages, a child that struggles every day, and the question of why. Why did so much heartache have to happen to Me (and Tony), why does my husband have to work so hard for 10 years making his sign business sucessful, and it only takes 2 months for everything to almost fall apart. No warning, no nothing...You give and give, and think that because you give and give, things will be good...well that is what is supposed to happen...right? For people to look down on us for having so many kids. It's not because we had so many kids that things are bad! We have a lot of love to give our little ones. I am holding onto hope that this is a minor setback. Heck, everyone has bad times...ours is just lasting a good 2 years! ANYTIME NOW...the cloud will lift and things will pick up.. Again, I do not regret having my children, I love them with all my heart. I wouldn't trade them in for anything! I just wish I had more to give them. I wish that they had their own stuff, their own personal space. I wish that we didn't have to protect Kenny from getting sick, that we could go out as a family, that we could go on a vacation. My kids would love to go on a family vacation...anywhere, but right now, we cant. I'd love to have sleepovers, after school play dates, dance and music lessons,..but...nope. So, for that, I feel sorry and AM sorry to my kids. I would love to snuggle up at night with my hubby without 2 kids in between us in our bed...and for that I am sorry. I would love to get my husband an Anniversary present...or just an Anniversary dinner, but no, not this year. This year is not starting off very well.

It seems like all my posts are more and more depressing...well, it not is just how things are going at the moment, I am scared about how Kenny will turn out...well all my kids for that matter, but Kenny especially. There is no way a baby born at 23 weeks, a baby who missed most of the 2nd and all of the 3rd trimester can be OK. I see what he is doing and what he is going through, daily...I am praying to God that life is good to him and that he will be OK, have happiness, friendships and be successful in whatever he does. Again, I want this for all my kids, but because Kenny has some major issues, I just hope life is gentle on him. Not to mention the everyday junk... the washer broke, my cell phone broke, my computer broke, the coffee maker broke...I thought things were supposed to happen in groups of does that mean I have to wait for 2 more things to break?...oh wait...LOL...only one more...I am already broke! LOL! So I'll end it on this...

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as He did, this sinful world

as it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right

if I surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life

and supremely happy with Him

Forever in the next.


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I don't know ho you do it!! You amaze me! Keep it up!