Sunday, September 12, 2010

An Everlasting love...

This week, my head was spinning from everything that had gone on within these last three and a half years...I vowed that I would not look back at it all, but sometimes it just hits me...today is one of them. I am missing my baby . In a perfect world, I should be giving my twins hugs and kisses, dressing them up alike for certain things, and being a mommy to two 3.5 year old little boys who are healthy, walking and talking up a storm and getting into everything. But this isn't a perfect world. My Nick is in Heaven enjoying all the glory being with the Lord, my brother John, Grandparents and my three babies that were miscarried. THEY have the perfect world...we are still here for a reason. Still learning and doing what our purpose is. Instead, I have a heavy heart that will always have a piece missing. I have a little boy who is the love of my life but he cant tell me that he loves me, can only tell me by a huge smile, a hug, or the intense loving look in his beautiful brown eyes when he looks at me. I have a child who is in the hospital at least once a month for one thing or another. A child who has and will continue to have to struggle with so much...breathing, hearing, talking, walking, learning, being able to communicate...how frustrating that must be to not be able to express what you want, feel, say or do. When a doctor tells a pregnant mom to be, "lets just make it one more week" or, "every week inside you makes a big difference", they know what they are saying. A 24 weeker is so much more viable than a 23 weeker...and so on and so forth...If I could have just kept them in for another week or two...If only. To think, I was hoping and praying that we'd come out of this mess unscathed. We really did. We thought, "well, he's home from the NICU, he is healthy and there is nothing wrong." Then the floppy muscle tone mixed with the tight muscles started...the developmental delays, the RSV, pneumonia, the hearing loss diagnosis, Autism, the eating problems, seizures and now his eyes...what more? Uhhh...no...I don't want to know the answer to that. LOL. I guess that is the question on everyone's minds...including the doctors. See, Kenny is more like an experiment in the making...sort of. Even doctors are not quite sure of all the things that can and will happen to a 23 weeker. We all are pretty much waiting for something else...praying for nothing to happen but ready when it does.

After all this...all this nightmare that Tony and I (and the kids) have been through, God has given us something very special...He has given us strength, faith, and love. Strength to face ANY problem. You know, after burying Nick and having to take a second plot right next to him as a "just in case" for Kenny, because it was THAT serious of a situation when they were born. Every day we go there to visit Nick we are reminded how much of a miracle Kenny is...and how much of a blessing that the 2 days of having Nick with us, was. It reminds us how close we came to losing Kenny...many times. God has big plans for him, I just know it.

Our trials and tribulations have brought Tony and I closer than ever (to some peoples disappointment..LOL) We have learned to talk, cry, express ourselves to each other. We don't take anything for granted anymore. God has blessed us with 8 beautiful kids and the opportunity of being pregnant three additional times, but were cut short by miscarriages. Each one, each loss...each trial and triumph, has showed us just how fragile life is. How God is in charge and we are here to just do the best we can with what is given to us. It is up to us to make the most of it. And that is what we are doing. We sometimes just hold one another and just thank God that we have each other. We really are soul mates with an everlasting love.

We, as a family, are stronger and better from all this. We have learned to not take cr@p from people that wants to bring us down. We have learned to not point fingers at people when we don't know the full details of the situation. We have come to respect ALL walks of life and how people act. We have become more devoted and giving from all of this. My kids are loving, caring kids who will go out of their way to help any kid/person that no one talks to or picks on, or has a physical or developmental handicap. It is so beautiful to see my kids interacting with kids that many kids would be scared to even try to talk to. We have learned that FAMILY and friends are extremely important. We have learned that life is too short to bother ourselves with negativity, because we have to stay positive with all that has gone on. Sure, I have my days of just wanting to lay down in bed and just wish this nightmare away and wonder why us, why Kenny, why put our kids through all of this...losing a brother and having a brother that has so much going against him...but then I realize that there are so many people out there that are going through the same things (and worse) than what we are dealing with. My kids will turn out just fine. We will just keep showing them the love and support that we have been giving them since the day they were each born. It is what it is and God wants us to make the most of what is given to us. WE were chosen to experience all that we have gone through and will go through.

So I will go on and continue to take it day by day...to try not to look back at what had happened...but still try to not forget Nick. I want him to live on in my thoughts and mind, like any mom who has lost a child...no matter what age that child was. I want to not have to worry about leaving Kenny with a babysitter. I want to not have to worry about if kids will make fun of him when he gets older. I want to not have to worry if this next cold he gets that he will pass away. I want to just enjoy what God has blessed me with. I will do my best to do that...it will be hard, but not impossible.

2 comments:

Katie's Kamikaze said...

You truly inspire me. You have such a strong grasp of what is important in life.

Erika said...

Your post, and your honesty were wonderful to see. I have surviving triplets, and I know all too well the same thoughts after burying my son, the will-we-do-this-again...
thanks for sharing your family and your thoughts with us!

Blessings,
Erika