Friday, November 9, 2012

The ocean of grief

Those of you who have experienced a death of a loved one can relate to this chart I posted. From my own personal experience, grief comes in waves. I want to compare it to the ocean when the tide rolls in and out to sea. Some days its deep with no place to look at the beauty of it all, while other times there is so much to take in. To walk clear and free from the currents that can pull you under. Where you see all the beauty the ocean has and how small and relaxed one becomes. I've been at the lowest, sucked in and lost out at sea. Not relating to others, feeling lost and angry and just sad. I went through every emotion imaginable...sad, angry, scared, sick (like...literally sick), desolate, tired, name it, I've felt it. Its no wonder that I lost many friends along the way because of my grief. Some people can't and won't be subjected to such sadness...sometimes it can be pretty pathetic. Many people don't know what to say, so the best thing they feel to do...the only thing some people know how to do, is back away. It's a very lonely place of losing a child. What does one say to a mom who is mourning? There is only so many "I'm sorrys" one can say without sounding generic. When a mom is in the throws of grief, only they can come to terms with it. It takes time, patience, understanding and love. We love to talk about or have someone mention our babies that have gone before us. It solidifies that our child will never be forgotten. Now, I think, after 5 years and dealing with PTSD...and the grey hairs that have magically appeared on my head...thank you stress haahaa...I'm finally coming out of it and it feels like a breath of fresh air. It took five years to get to the point where I am at now. Missing my baby boy still very much to this day. Wondering what he would look like, his interests at age 5. If he would be like Kenny. Just missing what he could have been. All the milestones we never got a chance to experience...I can honestly say, yes I have my bad days...days of crying for him, but I have more good days now. I can talk about him, go to his grave without crying (most of the time) and look at pictures again (ok..those are a little tough on me)...but I feel like the fog is clearing and I am living again. Who knows, I may fall back down to a low because that's how grief works, but I now know that things will get better. A piece of my heart will always be missing, but I know Nicholas wouldn't want me to be sad for too long. Today...I am

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