Happy Birthday to Kenny (and Nick in Heaven)

Happy Birthday to my beautiful twins...to my beautiful little fighter!

Its been a long and emotional 4+ years. So much has happened...much more than most would even care to think about happening.

Four years ago at 10:29 & 10:30 my babies were no longer in my womb. I could not protect them, feel them move inside, or have dreams of taking my twins to Twins Days or wonder what 6 months of being pregnant would feel like. No...four years ago today I would give birth to two very perfect and very real baby boys...just way too early. Picture their heads...the size of a clementine (small orange)...their fingers...smaller than macaroni, their hands so small...they couldn't wrap around our fingers...eyes and ears still fused shut...yet...their hearts were beating strong and they were perfect...perfectly ours.

In these last four years, I have felt more pain, more heartache, cried more than I have ever cried in all my life...I can clearly remember what I was doing four years ago...at this very moment (May 1st, 10 at night), I was crying and it was late. I was on bed rest in the hospital and I was extremely emotional...I knew I was going into labor. There were no contractions showing up on the monitor, but I knew something was happening...The nurses sensed that I was scared so they called the neonatologist in to talk to me. He was tall with an accent that I couldn't quite place yet I was holding onto every word he was saying for encouragement. He started off by asking me how far I was...then he stopped for a moment and reached into his coat pocket for a piece of paper with a bunch of writing all over it (must have been his cheat sheet for me...I thought to myself). He went onto explain all the statistics of having a baby at 23 weeks gestation...which were itself pretty grim...but then add twins...especially white and boys and you got yourself a recipe for disaster. After he asked if I had any questions...and me crying even worse than I was before...he left me alone to sit in solitude and think about what I knew was going to happen...and soon.

I fell asleep only to wake in the morning before rounds. I made my way to the only time I was allowed to get up...the bathroom. That's where it was...I knew I was in trouble. Do I call the nurse on the rope line they have in the bathrooms in the hospital...yes...I called the nurse...she came in and I told her what was going on. Yes, I lost all pride and did not care about anything at that point except saving this pregnancy. I called my husband to come as quickly as possible to the hospital...wow...he got their fast! it was only two hours after my bathroom discovery of blood that my doctor who came in and checked me...calling for the ultrasound machine right to my room...we discovered that Kenny's foot was already in the birth canal and I was a good 4cm dilated. My doctor was calm cool and collect, but I sensed that this was not a good thing. He kept apologizing to me. I called my mom crying and telling her that I was going in for a c-section...the twins were coming. I was so scared.

On the operating table I went. My arms were tied down and the panic started in. I felt the need to get up and run. I went into a panic attack where my doctor and the nurses had to calm me down. Tony then came in. All I saw was the scared look in his blue eyes behind the mask on his face. How could this be happening to me? To us? We're both twins...we were going to have twins. My dreams of getting fat with this pregnancy...even getting stretchmarks for the first time! It wasn't fair...I wanted and welcomed the bad side of being pregnant with twins. I wanted to protect my babies and to feel them moving inside...Nick on my left...up towards my ribcage and Kenny on my right...closer to my side, almost towards my back. Oh how I can still, to this day, remember perfectly how it felt to have two babies inside of me...so strange but so perfect!

And then it happened. 10:29 Kenny was born...oh...was that a teeny tiny little cry that he let out while they whisked him away so very fast? My sweet baby Kenny! I saw just a quick glimpse of him as they walked by me...oh my gosh...he was so tiny...how could he survive? Then...at 10:30...Nick was born. He was quieter than Kenny was but that was to be expected. I never got a chance to see him being taken away. In the recovery room, I was greeted by my husband, oldest sister, my good friend and our priest. And all I did was just sit there. I had no words. I didn't want to pray. I didn't want to talk. I was numb. I wanted my babies back inside of me where they should have been! When they got the OK...our priest went with them and baptised my twins. I honestly wanted to be there, to see it...but I knew this was the right thing to do..it had to be done. I was now the mommy of twin boys.

Yeah...so you see...I remember this day like it was yesterday...a very bittersweet day for me that is slowly becoming better. I cry on this day for what shouldn't have been...yet I thank God for giving me my twins...even though Nick is no longer here.

These last four years Kenny has shown us that he IS a fighter and he is here for a reason. It hasn't been an easy journey but its our journey to travel. I am honored and blessed to have had the opportunity to experience being a mommy to twins (even if it was for just a short time) and raising such a perfectly imperfect little survivor! You have both shown me to love, live and help others, just that much more in my life. Kenny, you have shown me to take things day to day...to be grateful for every beautiful day that we are together...learning something new, or just sitting quietly together. Each day is a gift from God...even on the bad days when I want to run away from the medicines, the therapies, the hospitals, the being scared...your smile, your hugs...and yes...even those darn cans you so perfectly line up everywhere in the house. Happy Birthday to you Kenny & Nick. I love you heart and soul from here to Heaven. I wish things were different but God has his plan in place.

Kenny's 1st birthday...Kenny's 2nd Birthday...Kenny's 3rd Birthday...

Happy Birthday Kenny!
Happy Birthday Nick!
I am so very proud to be a mommy not only to your sisters and brother, but to an angel and a miracle...I am truly blessed.