Two years ago today, I buried my son. This whole week has been hard on me. It starts from the 2nd...the day that Kenny and Nick were born...then the third...when I had my one whole day of being a "mommy to my two beautiful twin boys" (I was SO HAPPY that day). I just couldn't stop smiling that whole day! Then the 4th came...and something didn't look right with Nick...by 6:30 pm, he passed away. That whole evening was the worst I every imagined. I wanted to hold him but he was just too cold. I didn't feel that he was in his body anymore...so I didn't...I didn't see him after that. Taylor's communion was on the 5th....I was still in the hospital so Tony took her and the other kids. I have horrible guilt about not being there for her. I planned her Communion with such devotion. I was so excited that my first born daughter was going to be making her first holy communion...I finished her headpiece, wrote her a beautiful letter...I wanted her to be so happy and perfect...and then this...losing her baby brother. I feel bad for her...even till this day.My parents and sisters came in for us...which helped her out, because mommy was just so out of it from losing Nick. The party went well...I wish I could remember more, but again...a bad time in my life which was supposed to be a beautiful time all the way around.
Anyhow...we waited a week to bury Nick because we were not sure how Kenny was doing. So when you go to Nicks gravesite, there is an empty grave right next to him...that was for Kenny as a just in case. That's how bad it got! To have to have a grave for your son because you don't know if he is going to die like his twin...it's a horrible feeling. To this day, everytime I go visit Nick, I look at that empty spot and get sick...I am thankful, though, that God kept Kenny here with us. We waited til after Kenny had his heart surgery and a few other things done, then on the 11th (a day before Mother's day) we buried my son. Maybe this is why every year, I don't want to celebrate it. I get very sad, upset...I don't mean too...the kids are great, but I just couldnt appreciate anything. A mommy likes to be pampered...I wasnt. I dunno. The saying, "everything happens for a reason" and, "God only gives you what you can handle"....I HATE those sayings! I could have handled Nick...there is no reason why my Nick isn't here! I want to be a mommy to ALL of my kids...I wanted to see Nick do what Kenny is doing. It just is not fair.
OK....now that I let out all of my steam....
To all you mommies (and daddies) of micro preemies that have pretty much been through the whole NICU/Micro/not sure if they will make it....thing...
please e-mail me your addresses, stats (how long in the NICU, how many lbs./oz., Date of Birth, and how many weeks early or weeks gestation your little miracle(s) are.
I have gotten numerous requests for the t-shirts like the one that Kenny had on...and want to make these (my milestones for micros program) for you all.
THEN, when you get your shirts, take a picture of your miracle in the shirt and send it to me! YAY!
Again...Happy Mother's Day (one day late) for all you very special ladies out there!
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2 comments:
Happy Mother's Day to you too. Your story is very touching. I too am from a large family 3 girls and 6 boys. We were raised in a three bedroom bungalow with no basement. It was tight, but we all fit. Hug those babies for me.
Michele, God bless you, those are really awful things to say to a person who has lost her child. I'd like to think that "God only gives you what you can handle" was meant as more of "You'll get through this," but saying you can handle losing a baby is still so callous... and to ever say that losing a child is better than keeping him is just inexcusable. God works in all things for the good of those who love Him--God does now allow death--but death is not ever good.
I totally agree that you could have "handled" Nick. And there will always be pain on this earth--but one day all the pain will be gone, and all Christian families will be together and whole again, and the ache in our hearts that can never truly be resolved will disappear. I cannot imagine how people without that hope survive.
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