Thursday, May 1, 2014


If someone were to of asked me 7 years ago what I thought my life would be like in 2014...I would have described a life completely different. 10:29 and 10:30 A.M. Has a whole different meaning that it had 8 years ago...shoot, it had NO meaning or significance to me. I don't think I'd have this blog...actually, I know I wouldn't because this whole blog was started to keep everyone updated on my pregnancy, birth, hospital stay and life of having the twins. 7 years ago, changed my life...our lives...completely. I had an amazing doctor deliver my beautiful twins extremely early. We wouldn't know the pain of losing a child. The feeling of wanting to throw up, even years later, at the thought of what had happened...from waking up May 2, 2007 in the hospital and finding out I had to deliver my the nightmare of saying goodbye to Nicholas, and then having many days of walking into the NICU and praying that Kenny would survive. Playing it out over and over again in my brain...hoping to change the outcome. trying to remember a missed sign that could have prevented me from going into labor early, or even if there was something that could have been done to save Nick. 
I do see myself wondering what Nick would have looked like or how he would have acted...and I honestly do wish that I had my twins both here on earth. The pain is aweful to live with...even seven years later. But as I say this, I also am extremely grateful that Kenny is here with us. He is a little fighter whom will always be blessed with his twins spirit and love.
If things didnt happen the way they did that morning seven years ago, I wouldn't know the struggle of the rampant emotions of the 129 long NICU days and then thinking we were home free only to have the bubble burst over and over again...with each sickness, hospital stay, procedure and diagnosis...but also each hurdle, odds and milestone reached. I wouldn't know the many doctors, nurses, therapists, case workers, teachers and counselors who have helped Kenny throughout the years. I wouldn't know the kindness of people...many of whom were complete strangers, wishing and praying for Kenny and our family. I wouldn't know the strength that a child so small can have...but also show me that I too can have that strength to get through the bad times. Yes, it's been a long, rough journey these last 7 years. Lots of tears and tribulations, but Kenny has shown me that each day is it's own. We're not sure about Kenny's future, but we do know that he's made it 7 years! What an accomplishment a child born 17 weeks early with a 3% chance of survival! We wake up each morning and live for the day, trying not to think about tomorrow (a little anxiety medication helps too ;) ).
Kenny has blessed our family with his pure love with his determined, courageous little soul. I am so proud of him and all he's accomplished. 
So today, I honor my twins (one on earth and one in heaven). HAPPY 7th BIRTHDAY BOYS! I love you both very much. Nick, I will always hold you close to my heart. I miss you with every beat of my heart. i wish that you could be here celebrating but I know theres one heck of a party happening up there in Heaven! Your life...your time with us, will not ever be forgotten! Thank you for watching over your twin.  Kenny, I love how you are becoming you. I love the quirky things you do...your funny faces, lining things (everything) up. Gathering anything and everything in grocery bags i find all over the house. The way you say Ma, Da, Poppa, bus, pool, syd, Lala (for Kayleigh). I love how you are signing words on your own without an adult directing you to do it. I love how crazy you are about your Hot Wheel cars, trains, school buses and carousels. I love how you love animals and your baby doll. I love how you've turned me into a mom that used to be totally grossed out from change poopy diapers (yes, even after all those kids) to a mom that is working on trying to get my special needs son potty trained...and can change you in record time flat. I love how you turned me from a scared mom of a preemie and medically fragile child who gets seizures, tube feeds and is hearing impaired, to a mom that doesnt think twice about unclogging your g-tube, can hold you while you're seizing and can handle almost anything you and your medical conditions throw my way. You have made me a better person...thank you for choosing me as your mommy Kenny and Nick! 

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