Thursday, July 21, 2011

Life is a bowl of please excuse me.

Excuse me if I'm a bit on edge today, I've had a very trying day 4+ years. See, trying to keep babies alive inside of me only to have them born at 23 weeks...the NICU, the death of Nick, the unplanned (but very much welcomed) pregnancy of Gina, the allegations that certain people made against us, the hospital stays, the seizures, the unknown of Kenny's health & unable to understand what he needs and wants. The working hard to make ends meet, the EMHE almost choosing us...and then us ending up helping the lucky family that got it. The deaths of many close family & friends. The being stuck in the house with Kenny...pretty much on house arrest because of his health and his Autistic fits. The no days off, no respite, no help. The constant go, go, go...the sleepless nights, the stressful all has finally taken its toll.

You see, what used to be a normal day of playing with the kids, doing things throughout our summer or even just some free, cooking and just enjoying life, has turned into a life of doctor and therapy appointments, feeds through a tube certain times of the day & night, medications, and unpredictable hospital stays.

Excuse me if I come across short tempered, I've had my hands full with a child who likes to bang his head, cry and scream for no apparent reason. I've had my share of "bad luck", long days, and being a caregiver (beyond being a mommy) and I am just tired. To hear a person who really doesn't have it THAT bad say that they have it bad...or that they need a vacation, day off or night out really gets to me.

Excuse me if I seem a little unsure of myself...because I honestly am. I have questioned if I could cope with having a chronically ill/special needs child. I am just following the motions of the day and let the days run me.

Excuse me if I seem to critical of people, because honestly...if you've never been a mom of a micro preemie or a child with many don't understand what it all entails. You don't know the sadness, the loneliness, the anxiety, the stress, the uncertainty, the tomorrow.

Yes, we wanted a lot of kids...but no, we never thought we'd have child with special needs or lose a child. We would never turn our backs on any one of them and love them heart and soul. I've heard people say that we shouldn't of had so many kids, it was bound to happen...well, to them...Eff you. We didn't chose a life of heartache...we chose a life of lots of love to go around...and we love each other THAT much that we are/were willing to bring many beautiful kids into this world. It just so happens that we were chosen to have a child with needs beyond normal. We do the best we can with what we have.

Excuse me if I don't return or make phone calls, e-mails or anything else that contributes to a social life. See, with 7 kids in a small tends to get a little loud. The bathroom, the basement or even waaaaaay in the backyard are the only places I can talk on the phone for about 5 minutes tops...after that, all he** breaks loose. The computer is another story...I can at least walk away from an e-mail, blog post or chat and get back to it after a few hours. So this explains my lack of social life (this blog is my saving grace)...even Facebook is getting difficult.

Excuse me if my hair is not perfect, the makeup isn't on, and I have clothes from 15 years ago...again...with 7 kids, one with special needs, I have no time to go get it colored or styled. Some days I don't even have enough hours in the day to put even eye liner on...and who has time (or money) to shop for clothes!

Please excuse the way my house is looking...with baskets of clothes & socks that I will get to eventually. My house is a home and we do the best we doesn't mean it is in deplorable living just means that I have more important things to do with my time with the kids.

Please excuse me for being a little jealous of those mommies that can just pick up and go...that has their kids in all sorts of activities. That can say they love their life or even have a little bit of one. I never thought we'd have a child with so many doesn't mean that I hate just means that I am trying to rework my life...trying to make the best of a different situation that I never thought I'd be in. Trying to understand just how much more work, time, patience, finances, energy, courage and determination it takes to have.

Please excuse me if my worries and anxiety is stronger than most...after losing a child and having a child with chronic illness I tend to get a bit more worrisome than would call it a little over protective or even Post Traumatic Stress.

Please excuse me for one day seeming fine and the next day a mess...see above.

And finally please excuse me for this little post...Sometimes life is like a bowl of cherries...somehow I got more pits than actual cherries in this bowl. I've been having a tough day and writing it out helps! Just waiting for the fresh cherries to be shipped ;)