The elite club...

I cant believe its been four years. Four years since I last seen my baby Nick. I never thought I could even make it through the first year, yet, I have made it through four years. People were right about losing a child...you are never the same. I don't think the same. I don't have the same outlook on things as I once had. I have more fear than most with losing another child (with all due right to). I have a stronger sense of protection over my kids, my husband...anyone I love. I can sympathize and understand more than most for those that have just lost a child. It takes you to another place. A mom should never have to bury a child. In the NICU it happens all the time...the hoping, the praying...the letting go and then the heartache. There is no pain greater than losing a child...I can vouch for that. The feeling that nothing matters. The sick stomach of knowing what is happening and being unable to do anything to stop it. The panic of wanting just a little more time...making plea bargains...and then...ultimately having to say enough is enough.

For those around us who are not in our special mommy's club...be thankful to God...love and cherish every moment with your children because in our club...we wish we could see our babies grow to adulthood. We would love to hear them talk back to us...just once...Heck, some of us would love to hear what their voice sounds like...their first words. We would give everything to kiss that boo boo and make the pain go away, instead of having to say good-bye to make it go away. We would give anything to hug, kiss or smell the way their hair after running around getting all sweaty from a day of hard play.

To the new mommies in this elite club...my heart is breaking for you. This is a club that we never asked to join but somehow we find comfort with the others in this club. It gets a little easier as time goes on.. Sure, I still have days where I just cry and want my baby back...even now, four years later. The pain never goes away but each day gets just a little easier. Our angels wouldn't want us to cry over them. They are where we all hope to be one day...sitting next to God. They are with all of those that we love that went before us. I have told my friends that now I know the reason why we lose those we love...to comfort us mommies that are in this club. To be there for our angels when their time comes. To watch over them while us mommies cant.

To all the mommies who are next in line for joining....stay strong. Take each day as a blessing. Dont think of what tomorrow has in store. Don't be afraid to feel pain, hurt, anger, frightened, guilt, and even calmness. For He is standing right by your side through it all. And love...love to no end!