Wednesday, April 28, 2010

This week is the hardest for me

For the next few days, I am going to be writing some thing to honor Nick and Kenny's birthday and Nick's passing. For me, this week is a tough one. Every year for the last 3 years and for the rest of my life, on May 2nd I will always remember...more than just a normal delivery of a child full term child. I gave birth to my twins at 23 weeks gestation (17 weeks early). 1 pound 7 ounces.

It made me fall to my knees. It will always make me wonder. It is a time of excitement and fear.
It is Kenny and it was Nick.

Three Years Ago...

3 years ago seems like yesterday.
I can remember each moment...
I can remember each second.
praying so hard,
not knowing what else to do.
How could this be happening?
What was our future shaping into?
The feeling of life...
every movement,
every kick, was so wonderful.
The reality of it all was just so against us.
God, it was happening...
we were going to see you both.
The uncertainty of what was going to be...
The unknown...
was so numbingly real.
To be so excited and happy about having you both...
yet knowing that the odds of survival were so, so low.
What were we to do?
I cried,
cried until there was just nothing left.
I prayed,
prayed but was so sure God abandoned me.
Five months of praying,
it came down to this very day...
This very moment.
The cut left a scar more than just physical,
much deeper than that.
Taking you both from me,
knowing that it wasn't in my hands now...
you were in Gods hands...
you always were.
To get excited like other new parents of twins,
it didn't happen.
In recovery, I sat there
numb...just numb.
Do I pray for your forgiveness?
What else was there to do?
What else was there to feel?
Laying my eyes on you for the first time,
God you both were perfect.
So shockingly small, but so perfect.
Couldn't touch you,
couldn't hold you,
didn't know if you'd make it through the night.
Brave little boys, my brave little boys...
God blessed me with two perfect babies
that were just born too early.
What was the reason?
Show me why God.
Then He did.
He showed me,
he showed us all.
No matter how small,
He makes no mistakes.
Through triumph and tragedy,
tears, pain, laughter and happiness...
He makes no mistakes.
Three years...
Three years He has shown
how beautiful life can be
and also how delicate it is.
We celebrate life.
We celebrate our twins,
One in Heaven and one on Earth.
We celebrate the smallest of miracles.
We celebrate the accomplishments, the struggles,
the smiles and the painful tears.
Life is a struggle.
Its not easy
not knowing...
not knowing what tomorrow or even the next hour will bring.
Still searching for the reason,
but understanding
its all in the hands and plans of God.
Three years ago
Three years ago you made my life forever better.
harder than most,
but so much better.
To see things from another view.
To have helped and to be helped.
Been hurt and scared.
Hurt by seeing you helpless, sick and struggle...
and scared of losing you
and scared for our family
your brother and sisters.
Scared that they now understand heartache.
Heartache of loosing a sibling
Heartache of watching you sick so much.
Scared for what tomorrow holds.
The people...
The people that have walked this journey with us
amazing to say the least.
I would never have known this life,
the people,
the caring loving people...
the true value of life,
the true value of family and friends.
Others that are struggling with illness and disabilities,
disabilities and illnesses that could change life in an instant.
The loving smiles,
kind gestures
and knowing we're not the only ones.
We're not alone.
Seeing that there is more in life.
more than just
trips, money, and materialistic things
Our big family has love, understanding, acceptance and faith.
We are also gaining courage.
No matter what tomorrow holds
for you and your brother and sisters...
I will hold your hands.
Help you through each day.
I will laugh with you,
cry with you...
wipe away your tears.
I will push you to do your best,
and pick you up when you fall.
I will be stern in your daily medical needs
but also let you be a little boy.
I will not let you forget you are a twin,
but let you move on as an individual.
Be proud of who and what you are here for.

Three years it has been, three years in our lives and hearts.

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