Dear God...

God, please show me the way to turn. Show me what you want from me and tell me what I am to do. My Kenny is sick, he was born too early and had a rough start. The days are continuing without his twin. He is growing and thriving, but faces many many hurdles in life. He cant communicate like he should be. He cant walk yet, cant hear very well, doesn't really talk, cant eat any kind of solids (not even teenie tiny pieces). He could use his oxygen at night, but wont keep it on. Has ear infection after ear infection (why...he cant hear that well anyhow...why put him through that). He is constantly coughing...I know he wants to do things, I can see it in his eyes. I don't know what else I am to do. Did I do something wrong to have him? I want to think that he is a gift from God...but this gift is such hard hard work. I am emotionally, mentally and physically drained. Beyond what a mommy should be. Isn't loosing Nick, and having 2 miscarriages enough?Please show me the way. Please stop the anger I have, the sadness I feel and the anxiety I am experiencing.I love my kids and husband and want the best for ALL of them. I want to give them all the best life possible without losing myself. I feel I have done that...I feel like I have lost myself and in turn am not giving them my all.

God, you have blessed Tony and I with 8 beautiful children. The house may be small, the kids fight all the time...but I love them and just want them to be happy and healthy. I need that in order for myself to be happy. So, God...I am asking you...please help and show me the way.*on a side note*

There really is a Santa Claus...because...one of his reindeer was hanging out in my backyard....then flew away! ;)

Sleepless nights

Good day everyone. I am writing this on maaaybe 6 hours of sleep total...in a 3 days time span. Ah the joys of colds and ear infections!

Yes...that's right...Kenny is sick...AGAIN. The poor little guy. Tony and I have not slept in 3 days...doesn't make for a happy set of parents. We're hoping that this cold wont land him in the hospital...like usual. This has been our best friend these last couple of days...

I have one question though...if any one has a head banger...how do you break them of it?!!! I just don't know what else to do. Kenny is constantly banging his head on the ground, on doors...he even tries to head butt us! We know it is partially because he has yet another ear infection, but the other part is what the doctors are thinking, could be a sign of Autism. So, if anyone out there know what to do to stop him from hitting his forehead on EVERYTHING, please let me know. I hold him ALL THE TIME because of this and because of wearing his hearing aids...but this cant go on anymore. I have to take care of Gina, wash dishes, clean house, do laundry and make dinner...on top of watching/playing with Kayleigh during the day...I just physically cant hold him all day long. In his Gait Trainer, he throws his head way back and I am afraid that he will snap his neck or something. UGH...Calgon...take me away!

We have to have this cold out of our house by Saturday because my niece is getting married! OMGosh...I remember when she was a little girl with a huge head of hair. She had the wildest hair!!!! Yep, she is starting a new life for her and her soon to be hubby, John. I am so happy for them. I just want them to remember that their wedding day is just one day...the marriage is a lifetime...enjoy, work hard on the relationship...because being married is work...you have to give and take, work together, compromise and grow as a couple. Love and marriage are the best thing that you could have (next to kids) so enjoy and be happy with yourselves and you will be happy in your marriage. ;)

And finally....I got the garden planted...yes in deedie! Tony tilled the "old" spot where the garden used to be, per my request...I wanted to have it flattened and nice to plant grass seed there...well...he did such a great job on it...that...I just HAD to plant some of the garden THERE TOO!!! Yes, I am a little compulsive when it comes to gardens...so the back garden has watermelon, some tomatoes and pumpkins back there.

and the new garden has ... well... everything! Tomatoes, peppers, cabbage, beans, beats, cucumbers, zucchini, and yellow squash.

And finally.... Gina learned to stand up against things now!

What a week!

It's been a week since I've posted...pretty much drained. The running around is crazy. Of course we all had to have watched American Idol. Yep. I pretty much thought that Kris was going to win. The underdog pulls it off yet again! Honestly, either way would have been fine for me. I thought both of the guys were very talented. I would have liked to have seen Danny Gookey in the finale, but I really think all 3 of them will be very successful in their careers! I really liked this years finale...tons of stars and groups...it was wonderful to see all the old groups...Kiss...Queen...oh...and...hee hee...Steve Martin!

Enough of small talk....

This week, I have been noticing that Kenny's eyes are starting to cross...I called his ped up and they told me not to worry since I have an opthamology appt. in July...but I am. I really am worried. I really don't know what crossed eyes mean! Is it that his ROP came back? Does it come back? Will he need glasses? Surgery? I have no clue. I just may have to see if they could get him in sooner...I wouldn't want to walk around with my eyes crossing all the time. My poor baby.

The head banging is still going on... That's another thing bugging me.... we have no carpeting, just wood and tiles...can you say ouch! I have been trying to keep him busy so he wont think about hitting his head, but I cant sit on the floor with him all day long! Which brings me to his hearing aids...UGH....the kid rips them out as soon as I get them in! It is SO FRUSTRATING!!!! I sit here all day long...trying to feed him (solids)...which he throws up...so I am basically cleaning up throw up all day long, I hold him so he wont pull his hearing aids out (which he does anyhow) and now, the head hitting! He is FINALLY starting to move his feet while holding both hands!!!!And he loves getting around in his walker! So that is a big start!

Kenny and Gina are starting to interact, which is SO nice to see. I get a big kick out of it every time I see them sitting there on the floor together I think to myself, "wow...this is what it would have been like with Kenny and NICK." It's very bittersweet. Gina is a funny little girl (or should I say...chubby) lol.... she knows exactly what she wants. She is starting to learn things at a fast pace now..which I think is good for Kenny. Now if I can just get her to show Kenny how to stand, walk, talk and eat...I'll be all set!


Speaking of crawling...he has put holes in ALL of his pants...and now that it's getting warm, he is wearing shorts...well...my floors SUCK! I really don't want him crawling around and getting splinters from the wood or cuts from the broken tiles, so I have made my own knee pads for him! I cut old (clean) socks and use those around his knees (kinda like leg warmers)! He loves them! In this picture, you can see that his one eye is going in.Here is another picture of his eyes...I noticed in this picture, that only one eye has "red eye"...the other eye doesn't....anyone know what that means? I'm getting kinda scared here.
I have been meaning to take a picture of Kenny's hair after he gets out of the tub...so here it is!Look at these curls! I am planning my garden...yes...I am going to attempt it again! This time, I have moved it over to the side of our deck...even though...looking at it...it still looks like I am going to get no sun...DARN! Anyhow...the kids kept picking out different veggies so we ended up with 2 flats of vegetables...I just have to fill the boxes with dirt and plant. Yeah...I have the time! HA!

Here is the "garden"...

And here are the plants...there are also 2 flats of flowers that I bought from little Tony through the Boy Scouts...more stuff to plant~!

We were also at the walk for Cystic Fibrosis at the Cleveland Zoo last weekend. We saw all of our friends that have CF, know someone that has it, and our friends that work and volunteer for CFF. We had a great time... it even held off raining til we were leaving!

I spy...with my little eye....a heart!

of course I had to get a group shot! This would include me jumping up and down and screaming like a lunatic to try to get them all to look at me and smile! LOL!

Gina getting her morning breakfast in before the walk.

And that is about it for the week. It's been beautiful out so I've been trying to keep busy OUTSIDE of the house rather than inside.

Have a wonderful day!

Thankful Thursday...

For the way Kenny looks with a little dribble of pediasure while sleeping so sweetly

The way that Kenny learned to "color". The innocents of babies (of all species)...And for beautiful, quiet places... (took this at the Cleveland Zoo yesterday)

Thoughts?

And here is our life in black and white...

May God bless all moms!!!!

Yesterday was Mother's Day and I want to tell my mom that I love her and appreciate everything she has done for me (well, our whole family). You are one of the strongest moms I have known. I come to you when I feel bad about losing my little Nick because you know...you've been there. Losing John, your only son, after having him around for 24 years must have been so painful. I used to try to compare my 2 miscarriages with the loss of John...but when I lost Nick, that comparison went right out the window. I only hope and pray that Nick and John are together...that would make me feel so much better about the whole "death" thing. My heart hurts the way yours does...you keep telling me that it does lessen in time and that I will be able to start to live a life again...and you were right. We have to as moms of a bunch of kids. We owe it to our other kids...and that is what I am working on. Thank you for everything that you have taught and showed me in life. And thank you for giving birth to me (and Diane)...and well...actually, all of my sisters and brother...because without them, you and dad, there wouldn't be our big, obnoxious Italian/polish family! LOL!!! I love you very much! Two years ago today, I buried my son. This whole week has been hard on me. It starts from the 2nd...the day that Kenny and Nick were born...then the third...when I had my one whole day of being a "mommy to my two beautiful twin boys" (I was SO HAPPY that day). I just couldn't stop smiling that whole day! Then the 4th came...and something didn't look right with Nick...by 6:30 pm, he passed away. That whole evening was the worst I every imagined. I wanted to hold him but he was just too cold. I didn't feel that he was in his body anymore...so I didn't...I didn't see him after that. Taylor's communion was on the 5th....I was still in the hospital so Tony took her and the other kids. I have horrible guilt about not being there for her. I planned her Communion with such devotion. I was so excited that my first born daughter was going to be making her first holy communion...I finished her headpiece, wrote her a beautiful letter...I wanted her to be so happy and perfect...and then this...losing her baby brother. I feel bad for her...even till this day.
My parents and sisters came in for us...which helped her out, because mommy was just so out of it from losing Nick. The party went well...I wish I could remember more, but again...a bad time in my life which was supposed to be a beautiful time all the way around.
Anyhow...we waited a week to bury Nick because we were not sure how Kenny was doing. So when you go to Nicks gravesite, there is an empty grave right next to him...that was for Kenny as a just in case. That's how bad it got! To have to have a grave for your son because you don't know if he is going to die like his twin...it's a horrible feeling. To this day, everytime I go visit Nick, I look at that empty spot and get sick...I am thankful, though, that God kept Kenny here with us. We waited til after Kenny had his heart surgery and a few other things done, then on the 11th (a day before Mother's day) we buried my son. Maybe this is why every year, I don't want to celebrate it. I get very sad, upset...I don't mean too...the kids are great, but I just couldnt appreciate anything. A mommy likes to be pampered...I wasnt. I dunno. The saying, "everything happens for a reason" and, "God only gives you what you can handle"....I HATE those sayings! I could have handled Nick...there is no reason why my Nick isn't here! I want to be a mommy to ALL of my kids...I wanted to see Nick do what Kenny is doing. It just is not fair.

OK....now that I let out all of my steam....

To all you mommies (and daddies) of micro preemies that have pretty much been through the whole NICU/Micro/not sure if they will make it....thing...
please e-mail me your addresses, stats (how long in the NICU, how many lbs./oz., Date of Birth, and how many weeks early or weeks gestation your little miracle(s) are.
I have gotten numerous requests for the t-shirts like the one that Kenny had on...and want to make these (my milestones for micros program) for you all.
THEN, when you get your shirts, take a picture of your miracle in the shirt and send it to me! YAY!

Again...Happy Mother's Day (one day late) for all you very special ladies out there!

The weekend in review...

Here is a photo diary of this past weekend...

Kenny's favorite past time....pan lids!The day was all about these two....Morgan and Kenny (and Nick in our hearts).

Some shots of Morgan with family...

The treat table...

Singing Happy Birthday to Kenny...This is Kenny playing with the frosting....would not eat it for NOTHING! Oh well...maybe next year. I love the innocent look on his face!Kenny and the Milestones for Micros shirt...for his 2nd birthday! Which btw...the first delivery is fast approaching...and if there are any other preemies that would like one...please let me know through my e-mail or blog comments!!

And finally, the day couldn't have been finished off without wishing our angel a very happy birthday.

Sorry for picture overload, but this past weekend was a very difficult and emotional one for me. I kept myself busy, but the nights were of me crying myself to sleep.

I am so very proud of my kids...even with a house full of people and waking up early, the weekend was just beautiful.

Come on Extreme Makeover Home Edition....we could really use some help....badly!

Today 2 years ago, I lost part of me, part of us...

Nick, we love you and miss you terribly. Thank you for being part of our lives and looking over us. Love you so much sweetie.

Mommy, Daddy and your brothers and sisters.

To my boys, my twins...

You both were dreams and visions of love
Inside me, I had you both, and thanked God above.

I prayed and prayed that you'd both be healthy
I'd give up everything including being wealthy.

Nick on my left and Kenny on my right
It's a feeling of having twins that was so in sight.

A dream that came true, but with different results
I cant help but feel that it was somehow my fault.

A mom is supposed to keep their children safe and warm
I couldn't do that, the day you both were born.

I cried the night I saw both of you, you looked so unreal
that my Nick and my Kenny I could no longer feel.

Nick you put up a fight to stay here with us,
but God wanted you close and you didn't put up a fuss.

Daddy and I held you close the day you went away
I love you, I love you, is all I could say.

I told you to look for your Uncle John in Heaven
I bet he wouldn't believe that we actually had seven!

Kenny would miss you with all of his might
but we know that you are with him throughout his whole life.

It would have been fun to celebrate with both on your day
the birthday of my boys, my twins I should say.

Kenny is our miracle, he is our little guy,
I wouldn't trade him for anything, I would much rather die.

God chose this life for us and for him,
We just have to have faith that his light will not dim.

The problems and issues with you, that we have to see
will make us better people, I think that's the key,

So as we celebrate your birthday, yes I am happy but sad,
I want you both to know that I am trying so so bad!

See, I prayed for my twins that they would make it through the days
and now I see that they have, just in very different ways.

I am a mommy to twins, one in Heaven and one on Earth
How lucky am I to have actually giving my twins birth!

Our family has an angel and his brother he watches over,
It's better than finding a lucky four leafed clover!

Kenny, I look up to you, you are such a strong little guy
You lost your other half and you couldn't even say goodbye.

As We celebrate your birthday(s), I want you to know,
I will be with you and love you and help you to grow.

We will make it, I promise, all of us together
That's why God gave you both to us...in our hearts, forever!

It wont be easy, but we all will help you through
With hospitals, therapy's and anything new.

My love for you started when God gave you to me
And it will never end, not from now till eternity

So Happy Birthday to my twins, Mommy loves you more than ever
I promise to love you, think of you and be here for you, now and forever!


Happy Birthday Kenny and Nick...Mommy and Daddy and your brother and sisters loves you both so very much.

Kenny, I will help you become the strong, loving and successful person that you are meant to be. You are an amazing little boy who puts a smile on my face every day. No matter what happens, we will be here for you and help you through any obstacles that you may face in life. You are my miracle and would do anything for you and your sisters and brother.

And for you Nick, my angel, I pray that you are with Uncle John and Great Grandparents and others that have been part of our lives. Until we meet again my love, Keep the lights going on and off coming! I hope Uncle John is taking care of you! I miss you so much...my heart is broken because your not here. Your Daddy, sisters and brothers keep me going and my faith that you are with Uncle John and Grandmas and Grandpas help me make it though the days!

And to my Daughter, Morgan who is making her First Holy Communion this Saturday...
Morgan, I love you with everything and more. You are my little browned haired, Italian of the family! (Grandma Chiaverini would be proud)LOL~!!! I am so very proud of you. You will now be receiving Jesus, something that you have been taught in school and here at home. God bless you my sweetheart. I love you, have a very beautiful day.

My son, Tony will be serving as alter boy at the communion which will make it even more special! This weekend is going to be a good thing! I am so happy that God gave me my children. To have Kenny and Nick on May 2 is something very special (yet sad).

I don't usually go all "number-ie" but these numbers are very ironic...almost like...well...like it was meant to be....

We had 5 children = May (5)
Then we had our twins = the 2nd day of May (2)
total kids 7 = the year...2007

WEIRD

Here's another one...No one can say that Gina wasn't supposed to be here....

We had 7 children = July (7)
We had 7 children + added one (Gina) = the seventheenth day (17) (one & seven)
So total kids 8 = the year 2008
Oh yeah...God does beautiful things!