In My Mind

In my mind, you are perfect,

With your missing little tooth that all eyes are drawn to.

Big brown eyes that say a million words that you may never say.

Your smile melts my heart, warms my soul and makes me giggle

Just knowing you know.

In my mind, you are healthy,

You run, laugh, play and sleep.

You can hear a bird chirp and the wind rustling the leaves

The meds are just routine,

The feeds...a peace of mind.

There are no diagnosis's and there are no labels...just you.

In my mind, you are brilliant,

Chasing you out the door because you want to explore...

Lining things up ever so perfect,

Grouping things that are somehow connected...

Knowing but unable to voice an opinion, a request...a want.

A world of knowledge hidden behind a seemingly locked door.

In my mind, you are invincible,

Surviving under dire odds

Being feisty enough to pull through illness after illness...

Your pain tolerance is though the roof with everything you've been through.

Strong enough to try to do things on your own...wanting no one but needing someone

And yet...when you're around...I am scared.

Scared of losing you...

Scared of losing me...

Scared of losing life.

In my mind, I am scared.

Toothless Tuesday!

It's been 6 years in the making and we finally reached a huge milestone! 

I didnt think I'd get so emotional over "just a lost tooth", but i did. you would think that after all these kids and all the lost teeth throughout the years that I'd be a seasoned pro, well...this seasoned pro broke down. There was a tear shed...a tear of joy that my little guy who was given an extremely small chance of survival has lost his first tooth. While he was in the nicu, I prayed to the heavens that he would live to experience all that life had to offer. Then again, while he was hospitalized all those times when he got so sick with the seizures, the sepsis, the pneumonia, infections and chronic lung disease flair ups that landed him in the picu on oxygen, I was hoping and praying for him to just have a normal life however long or short God chose...to experience all the firsts of childhood...his first steps, first words (be it words, sounds, signing or gestures), the first pee pee on the potty...(yeah, still waiting on that)...and his first lost tooth. Words can't describe the emotions of teetering on the brink...being told things a parent never wants to hear...yet getting the chance to play out these youthful firsts. We are so blessed!

  I also shed a tear for the fact that Nick would never experience a lost tooth. It brought me to another level of my grieving or my son. The "why's" (even though we shouldn't question things), the wondering of what Nick would have looked like, done...just everything. The raw empty feeling of missing him so much it hurts. This feeling comes and goes...I just wish that with every milestone, every first...it wouldn't be so painful yet so happy at the same time (if that makes any sense). 

I'm so excited and proud of my little man who never cried and it didn't even bleed very much. The tooth fairy will be making a special stop at our house tonight!!! Yay!!!!

May 1st...6 years ago

...6 years ago I was laying in my hospital bed crying because I was only 22 weeks and 6 days pregnant. I knew something was happening with my body even though there were no contractions showing up on the monitor. The nicu doctor came in and told me all the statistics of a micro preemie...the odds were really against them...in all aspects. My hormones were all wacky and I just had a feeling that I was going into labor. The doctor told me that if I went into labor that night, they would only give comfort care...but if I held off till the next day, they would try everything we'd want them to do to save them. that night, i remember feeling them move all around inside of me...kenny on my right and nick in my ribs on my left. i told them that i loved them very much and to PLEASE stay put for awhile longer. i prayed to God to help protect them. i fell asleep holding my belly like i was hugging my babies. at least while they were in my womb, i was protecting them. to be continued...