Monday, June 28, 2010

I'm trying to figure out where to begin...

You know, you plan your life...think that the way you plan it is the way that its going to happen when out of the blue, life throws you a wrench or two. It our job to stand back up, wipe the dirt off of our butts and take it from there. Take what happened and move forward... and honestly, I think I am doing a pretty good job at taking what life has thrown at me and made the most of it. I have learned to be a stronger, tougher yet more loving and understanding person. The losses from miscarriages and Nicks death have made me realize that we should never take for granted the miracle of a life. There was a time...2 miscarriages ago that I was a basket case. I mean, I was devastated at the fact that I lost a baby. Some may argue that an eight week fetus or even a twelve week fetus is not a child, but when you see the heart beating on that ultrasound...or should I say, the first pregnancy test, you start to plan and dream of what your life is going to be like with a new baby. You figure out the due date. Look online at all the milestone weeks to come. Think of what your baby will look like and how you will be feeling, and also names. Even after all the kids we never changed. Two and a half months ago, Tony and I were taken back and caught off guard. Oh my Goodness. Us? Expecting another baby? We already got slack at the mere mention of being pregnant with Gina. What would people think? Careless? Selfish? Didn't we learn from the last few pregnancies? Don't you have enough kids? You don't have room, so how dare you two! Those were some of the milder comments that we were hit with last time, and dreading this time. Not to, you're kinda old. LOL. But honestly, we sat in a state of shock...then mad that it happened...then...all of a sudden, it was reality. We were at peace with the fact that we were expecting another. God was blessing us with another We didn't tell barely anyone just because we (I) had a feeling that something just wasn't right. I've been pregnant enough times to know when something is wrong....and my intuition was right. When my doctor told me that the baby was on the left side of my heart shaped uterus, a red flag immediately went up. I mentioned it to my doc that I was concerned because the 2 other times that I had a pregnancy on that side, they both ended in then there was Nick...he was on the left side too.

I now have 4 babies in Nick and the 3 miscarriages that I've had. I understand and have come to a calming reality that I am alright with this. I am alright with the what ifs, the seeing the strong heartbeat one day then nothing the next (a little disheartened, but alright). I'm alright with the ending of this pregnancy. If this was 4 years ago...I'd be a crying mess...but today, I am alright. God has given me some of the greatest gifts of accept that He is in total control of my life. Sure, I do things the way I want (the Italian in me)but overall, there is a plan for me...for all my losses, for all that Tony and I are going through. And...we are really alright with it. The hardest part for me is the physical pain that I must endure. I have always had D&C's, so this natural process is all new to me. But I have total faith in my doctor. He knows me and I know him. He feels this is the best for me. I will get through this...Tony and I will get through this.

Everyone just needs to know, that because Tony and I have a deep love for one another and a faith that is just as strong, we accept children into our lives lovingly, just like our vows said. It has nothing to do with having a child with special needs...or even losing a child. It's not about how many kids we try/or try not to have. Its about the love and dedication we have for each other and for our 7 living children. We wanted a big family. We know that it meant giving up on many things (new house, vacations, and many extras in life), but we choose this life. We provide for our kids, teach them right from wrong, pay all our bills, and don't expect any help. Yes, we are "one of those...BIG families" that gets the looks at the supermarket (and everywhere else we go) but we choose this life, and wouldn't want it any other way. We weren't going to tell anyone but we figured that we owe it to ourselves that we acknowledge that for 10+ weeks, we were going to have baby #9, and to let friends and family know what was/is going on.
Thank you.


Anonymous said...

Love you tons! qAnd I am sorry about this newest little one. I knew something was wrong too when I had my dream and then YOUR symptoms...even now. Darn you. I, me, your twin sister, am too old for your symptoms. lol.
HUGS and please know that you can tell me anything. I may have a weird reaction at first but I still love you and can never be mad or stay mad/upset with you.

Your Twin Sis, Diane

Michele said... you Diane.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry for the loss of your little one.

God bless you and your husband for dedicating yourselves to a large and loving family. Psalm 127 says, “Lo children are a heritage of the Lord, the fruit of the womb is His reward.”

You are so blessed to have all of your beautiful children. It's funny, because I have been following your blog, and thinking what a great addition another little boy would be in your loving group. I hope God blesses you with one more.

You are wonderful parents.

Anonymous said...

I hope you're feeling better soon. And, I wouldn't worry too much about what anyone says/thinks. After all, look what a wonderful job you did with Gina.

Anonymous said...

Hello Michelle,
Having experienced the loss of a child myself, I am glad you are a woman of faith. It the only thing that help my through. I am also the mother of a 23 5/7week premie. A true miracle baby. Thanks for sharing your story, we are all made stong. GOD bless you. keisha

Jennifer said...

Big hugs Michelle! So sorry that you had to give another wee one away to the Lord so soon. Praise Him though because we know they are in amazing hands. Love ya!!