Back To (thinking about) The Future

I'm sitting here this morning thinking, "wow...only 17 days left til Christmas!" I just cant believe that its almost here. I am usually so into it. This year, its kind of slipping by. I just don't have it in me this year. Maybe its because of trying to fix the house up to sell...we do have that "for sale" sign sitting in our front yard. Maybe its all the sickness that has plagued our house and kids for the past 3 months...I don't know. Just not into it. I should for the kids sake at least make cookies or something. The tree is up, stocking are hung, and the garland is laid out....but, *sigh* I'm just not feeling the spirit. It's got to get better. Right?

I am so paranoid about leaving Kenny along...even to go to the bathroom in fear that he will have another seizure. He hasn't had one since the night that the ambulance came, but I am so scared. We go Wednesday to the doctor, so you better believe that there are going to be questions after questions coming from me. Like, how can a little boy get so sick in just minutes? How did my little one get Sepsis when he was fine, or at least looked and acted fine minutes before he had a seizure...and what the heck is with the seizure? Why did it last about 20-30 minutes? Why didn't they see that he was having seizures when he was an infant? He had absolutely no brain bleeds when he was in the NICU...so why does my little boy have to have so many things wrong with him? Its NOT FAIR!!! My baby didn't do anything wrong in his little life to:

1)Lose his twin brother. The best gift I could have received from God is my twin. We went through life and did everything together. I never felt alone, ever. My Kenny will never know what that is like...I feel so sad for him.

2)End up with hearing loss. Without his hearing aids, he cant hear birds chirping, soft music playing, or even the sounds of wind hitting the trees or leaves...its not fair!

3)Have developmental delays where he cant talk, walk, or do things like others his age..he sits and bangs his head out of frustration..how can that be good?!

4)Have such bad lungs that he is on meds two times a day just to keep them open and strong...but usually ends up in the hospital 2 times a year or more.

5)Now he has Epilepsy. Meds twice a day and who knows when the next seizure will strike.

5)Cant eat solids and not able to gain weight. Doesn't God know, in order for his lungs and brain to develop correctly, he need to gain weight and fat? Without it, he will continue to not develop mentally and physically. And his lungs will continue to give him trouble throughout his life...they stop growing at a certain age...so when that age strikes, whatever his lungs are like at that time, they will always be like that. *sigh*.

Then I sit and think...Will he ever walk, talk or even have some sort of normal life. Did we do the right thing by keeping him alive all those months in the NICU? I know we did because of his beautiful smile he gives us, but I pray to God that we did what He wanted us to do. I want the best for him and for the rest of my kids. I want him to have girlfriends, get jobs, you know...have a normal life. What will life be like for him...or for the rest of our kids for that matter. Why is it that some families have an easy time at things...money, success, health and happiness, while others like ours, have it so tough? I have to say those 3 things...in that order because with money comes health...you can get better medical care, have the necessities of keeping a sick child healthier, etc... Also, with money you are more successful in your career...money makes money...you cant start and keep a business without first having money...(example...Tony wanting to better his business...cant get the better equipment without money).

It can be overwhelming at times...if I think about it.

~deep breath~

OK...now that I have aired out my sadness and frustrations I do have to be very thankful for many things (I have to do this or else I'll get very down on myself and life in general)...

1)My children. They are beautiful, loving and very polite...not at home...lol...just when they are around others...and that's OK!). Also my husband. He is amazing. A hard worker...a caring, loving man who would give the shirt off his back for anyone. Even though he doesn't like animals...I love him with all my heart and soul. He keeps me going. We have the same hopes, dreams and goals which is totally cool! And after being together 20 years...married for 14, 8 kids later...we still have that flame!!!

2)My family. My parents and in-laws, sisters and nieces and nephews...They have come through when we really needed them...physically needed them AND emotionally...there have been many times when Tony and I were at the worst of life...the whole NICU stay, Nicks death, several injuries from head gashes to slivers, with the kids...to hospital stays and financial hardships...to just being an ear to listen to me blabber on and on about this or that...that they have been there for us.

3)My friends. My old friends from years past to recent friends...I thank God for you all. Even though, more so than not, I've been MIA because of all the sh$$ that is going on here at the Tomecko house. I feel very blessed to have all of you in my life. At times I am not that great of a friend...I know that. I have been moody, down to the point where I don't want to call or talk to anyone. But you all have still stood by me and I love you all for that!

4)My love for animals. Yes, it could be a curse too...but I love taking care of animals...hence...Leo the squirrel.

5)And lastly, my creativity!

This pretty much sums things up today. Please keep our family in your prayers...we could really use them...for many reasons. Have a great day everyone.