It's been five long years since my twins were born.
|Kenny's Milestone shirt...complete with a schoolbus, his actual footprint and his guardian angel, Nick.|
Five years of mixed feelings, emotions, strength, laughter and sadness.
Being a mom of so many...especially of a son who is always sick, who has doctor appointments every week and just needs that extra attention really made these five years seem like they went by in warp speed! Almost like I have missed out on so much...but experienced more than most.
As I say every year, Kenny and Nicks birthday is extremely bittersweet
...am I supposed to be happy? Sure I am. I mean, I became a mommy to twin boys. I was ecstatic, scared and amazed at how tiny but perfect my twin boys were!
Am I supposed to be sad? Absolutely! I only made it just barely into the halfway point of a pregnancy!
I felt them kick and move over all parts of my belly, not just from one baby...but two! I talked to them every chance I had, almost like I had a premonition that my time with being their protector was short. I already knew their personalities, even at 18-19 weeks! Believe it or not, Nick (who was on my left side kinda in my ribs) was a very active little boy. And then you had Kenny who was on my lower right, almost in my hip/back area...he was the quieter of the two. I was just amazed at how I was actually carrying two babies...just amazed.
I've always wanted twins, I mean...being a twin myself...my husband being a twin...I just thought it would be really cool to have twins...and five years ago, I gave birth to them...just waaaay to early!
I'm not going to lie, some days/months/years are better than others...and these last few weeks have been torture for me.The guilt of having them early, the role as not only mommy but caregiver is overwhelming.
I am so extremely happy that our Kenny is here and is doing well (minus some health and development issues). He is such a great kid...a little feisty, but that is what helped him overcome the NICU and all of his health issues. A bit playful when he gets going and definitely, a handful when it comes to feeds and/or feeding, but extremely loving and his little eyes and smile just melts my heart. But on the other hand, how exhausting he can be (yeah, still no respite). How stubborn he can get. How hard it is to try to understand a nonverbal child (but actually learning his own way of saying things).
Also, how paranoid I am in many aspects of life when it comes to him. When will he have his next tantrum...or worse, seizure? What happens to him in the future? Will he ever talk? Have a normal life? When will get sick and end up in the hospital? How long can his lungs last? The questions could go on forever...but I guess I wouldn't be a mommy if I didn't wonder these things not just for Kenny, but for all my kids.
Like I said, its a bittersweet day. I WANT to be happy...and I am, at the birth of my babies. I want to celebrate their births....but on the other hand, how can I celebrate a day that shouldn't of happened for 17 more weeks.
|me at 22.6 weeks in the hospital|
How can I celebrate a day that has made my living child live with disabilities and uncertainties. How can I celebrate a day that eventually took the life of the other...
I will...I must. So, today I will honor my sons. My Kenneth John and my Nicholas Edward...born at 23 weeks gestation...five years ago today at 10:29 & 10:30 AM. The best and worst day of my life (that is until...well...that post will happen in a few days).
I thank you my twins for showing me the true meaning of life. How fragile life is. How amazing God, doctors and nurses (along with technology) really is.
I thank you for giving me 23 weeks of being a mommy to twins, for giving your brother and sisters two more reasons to love. I thank you for being my babies.
I also thank God for giving you both to Tony and I. What a crazy run we've had these last 5 years.
Today we will be taking Milestones for Micro onsies to the NICU where Kenny and Nick were at. The nurses will be able to fill in the blanks on the shirts with fabric pens for miracles that are graduating from the NICU to home! I am also making and taking tons of cupcakes to different departments of the hospital in honor of saving my son who beat the odds...and is now 5, and also for doing the best they could do in trying to save our angel, Nick.
So heres to year of more firsts, more overcoming and more memories. Thank you my sweet little boys...yes, I say Happy Birthday to my boys...one here with us and one in Heaven. I love you both.