Sunday, June 13, 2010

Fallen off from normal


This weekend Tony and I found out just how different Kenny really is from the other kids. I mean, we knew that he was different, but this weekend opened our eyes to the fact that we cant do the things that normal families can do...go to the mall, rummage sale or even to get ice cream. It all started on Friday night...

We decided to go to the mall (the first time in years). We thought, because Kenny is 3 that we could just walk with him and Gina (instead of using the stroller). All was going well, Tony had Kenny and I had Gina. With Gina, if I let go of her hand, she either follows me or holds one of the other kids hand...never wanders away from us. But with Kenny, the minute you let go of his hand, he takes off and doesn't care where he goes. It's kind of scary because we cant take our eyes off of him not even for a minute. He was never out of our site, but sure did give us the run around. If you hold him and he doesn't want to be held, the temper-tantrum starts. And for a little guy, he is very strong. So the mall wasn't a total loss, we just did a lot of hand holding and walking.

Then yesterday, we got an early start to the day. We went to a rummage sale at our church. Again, chasing the Kenster all over the place. We learned from last year that taking a stroller into the sale was not even an option because of the isles in between the tables. Not to mention, the stroller is on its last legs, so it was a no-go with that option. The other kids were having a blast, especially the girls and the jewelry table...ahhhh...the changing of age...no more is the vision of the girls going for toys...its all jewelry these days. I love it! Anyhow, Kenny decided that he had enough of running through the isles and having people tell him how cute he was (which he doesn't quite understand anyhow), he decided to start throwing one of his famous temper-tantrums...we got him into the van at top speed. Again, not horrible and actually very typical for a little kid. He was fine after that. We then dropped Taylor off at her friends house for an end of school year party and headed off to grocery shop. This is always an experience with Kenny. This is the time when he starts to get vocal. If Tony and I split off to save time on the shopping, I can always find where Kenny and Tony are (if he has him). Kenny always is "aahhhh-ing" or "uuuugggh-ing" at the top of his lungs. He isn't doing it for any other reason than just to be loud. We cant figure it out. He doesn't throw temper-tantrums or anything, he is just loud...just like he is when I try to take him to church...there are a lot of dirty looks and stares from strangers...and then every once in a while, we get a person who is as sweet as can be and just start talking to Kenny or us with a smile (but that is far and few in between). We made it out of shopping without too much going wrong...just typical stuff. The kicker was at 8 at night when we decided to treat the kids to ice cream at the little shop down the street. Picture this...a big 12 passenger van pulls into this little parking lot, a fairly large group of people standing in line waiting for ice cream and the Tomeckos pile out of the van...dun, dun, dun....

I was very willing to wait in the car with Kenny and Gina...knowing all to well, it wasn't going to be good. There was nowhere for Kenny to walk. He wont just want to be held or stand still...he just wont. But no, Tony wanted us all to be a family and do what we used to do...I kind of wanted everything to be like it was too, so I said, "what the heck", and out we all went.

We all ordered out ice cream...I ended up getting a cup full knowing that 1)way too hot, the ice cream was going to melt way too fast. and 2) I'd probably not finish it due to running around after Kenny...I don't have a problem with Gina...she stays put. Well sure enough...one thing led to another...Sydnie and Kayleigh couldn't eat the ice cream fast enough. It was melting everywhere...then all of a sudden, plop...Syd's landed on the ground and the tears started. In the meantime, Kayleigh was having a hard time with hers...I grabbed Kenny from Tony and Tony went to go get a new ice cream for Syd...in a cup this time. While he was in line for Sydnie, I was holding Kenny...I walked over to the very crowded ordering area to tell Tony to get a cup for Kayleigh for her melting ice cream as well...when Kenny decided to throw the biggest fit ever. I could barely even hold him. I finally got a hold of him when he pushed away from me, arching his back and he flew out of my arms (almost)! His head was inches...I mean inches from the concrete sidewalk. I had the tightest hold of his legs and feet ever. I was freaking out. It was the longest few seconds that I ever had! And no one helped me. With people all around me, no one bothered grabbing Kenny from falling out of my arms. They had the looks and the little comments to each other, but no one helped me. Tony ended up grabbing him. When I say that he was hanging from my arms, he was...it was horrible. All because he pushed away from me while I was holding him...all because he wanted to wander off. I quickly took him to the van...yes, I was shaking very badly...He was screaming his lungs out (gave the people in line more to talk about). Kayleigh started crying because the ice cream store wouldn't give Tony an extra cup because they were running low...even though they saw that her ice cream was dripping everywhere...and that we were going to buy the stupid cup. Over all, it was a complete nightmare. We got home and cleaned up the kids and I took Kenny and Gina to bed. Gina fell asleep the minute her head hit her pillow...and Kenny (sleeping in our bed with us) curled up against me and fell asleep.

So some may say that it was because he was tired, but no...its like this all the time, everywhere we go.

This is why I posted the post before this one about kids that wander. We don't know if Kenny has Autism...it was brought up, but there hasn't been a definite diagnosis. But it doesn't matter anyways because kids with developmental delays also wander. Our life has changed 110%. The normal family life that we once had, the one that most people with nothing wrong with their child/children have...the "pick up and go" life is no longer. We now have a new normal for us. One that I am hoping and praying that our other children understand and are not resentful about. We have learned one very important thing in this new life that was chosen for us...and that is the non judgemental side of life. Don't take the simple things for granted, like going for ice cream with your children...

God, I would love to have a "normal" life, but this one is so much more interesting and it just keeps on getting more and more interesting as the days/months/years go on!

7 comments:

J9 said...

aww what a day. Well Aidan is like that all the time. Tantrums etc. i can't figure out where we went wrong. I think it must be inborn. We have had to remove him from everywhere..restaurants, Target, you name it. He is LOUD and when he gets mad about being held or strapped into a grocery cart he screams. He's such a sweet boy, when he wants to be, and he's so CUTE, but he can be so NAUGHTY.

AND I ONLY HAVE THREE!

i think you're doing an amazing job. Hopefully Kenny will grow out of the tantrum/wandering phase.

Tiffany said...

Yeah, the new normal. I'm still adjusting to that too. Every time I push it and try to do an outing (usually at someone elses urging), it ends up being a disaster. And the part that make me most angry at myself is that I know he is happier at home or in certain environments. It's like I push it to prove to myself that everything is "OK".

abby said...

Hallie doesn't tantrum a lot (though she has pretty bad behavior in restaurants about 90% of the time, maybe more--what with trying to bang silverware together, crawling under the table and lying on the floor...she gets bored, can't have real conversations, and has almost no interest in food). But she does tend to wander off (she thinks it's funny, which it's not, esp. if there is a car involved...or she gets distracted by a ball, a dog, what have you). One thing we've done is gotten her a kiddie leash (we chose one with a backpack on it...they also have ones with stuffed animals of various sorts). At least it'll keep her confined to within a few feet and I can rein her in (it has a loop that goes over the parent's hand so you can wrap it so that it won't come loose). And we use the stroller about 90% of the time still with her, and can't imagine giving it up any time soon.

With the store, what's helped is lots of outings with me alone to the store and trying to involve her in the process of choosing food (she won't eat most food but she knows all the names of stuff) and also paying for things. Small steps at first (five minute shops) and then upping things a bit when she could tolerate those. So she's actually pretty engaged in shopping these days and even requests stuff (she likes snack food like crackers and chips and breads and we buy stuff for her that she snacks on while we shop). I know you guys have a tougher time of things b/c of all the kids but maybe Tony or one of the older kids could watch the little ones and you can give this a try with Kenny some time.

For the autism thing: Floortime (which is focused on developmental stuff rather than behavioral stuff) might help. It should be useful whether its autism or developmental delays because of its developmental focus. The best thing to read is Stanley Greenspan's *Engaging Autism*--it's accessibly written, not expensive (library should have it, too), and gives a nice overview of things you can try with Kenny on your own. You can check ICDL.org to see if there is a Floortime/DIR therapist available locally. Floortime is very parent- family-driven and so doesn't involve a million hours (and a million dollars) of therapy costs per week. Hallie goes once a week, and we do a lot with her at home and have trained the folks at school in Floortime basics, too.

I hope this helps! I know what you mean about not having the normal, and the new normal not being quite what you envisioned and want...

Anonymous said...

Wow. When do you ever get to rest? And, do you really get stares & whispers? It is such a shame that people don't offer a lending hand instead of judging.

Michele said...

thanks J9. love ya!

Michele said...

Abby, wow...thanks for all the info!!! Greatly appreciated! I have been reading up on the backpack kiddie leashes. I was totally against those things until I realized that I just may need one...for Kenny's own safety.

Michele said...

Anonymous, yes, I do get to rest...just in my own way. Its really alright. Its how my life has been shaped into...I am good with it. God has blessed Tony and I with a ton of great kids so we try to make the most of our blessings and our hurdles. And...yes...people are just rude. When you haven't been in someone else's shoes, its easy to look the other way and make smart comments when you don't know the background or the whole story. We live in a very judgemental world. If you saw a kid look like they were throwing a massive temper tantrum, the looks and snide remarks start on how the parents should be more strict with parenting or what not. when in fact...the child is doing it for a whole other reason all together.