Thursday, March 29, 2012

What a day

Have you just had one of those days where you think your going to get so much accomplished and all goes to sh**? Well, yeah...that's the day I've had. Its Thursday during Lent, which means I start baking from the time I get home from dropping the kids off at school till late at night. I do this baking for our school/church fish fry. It is my stewardship towards our church. I am giving back rather than giving something up for lent. Well, anyhow...I do pretty much all the bakery for the bake sale and I love it! I love baking. It is my time away from thinking about my daily struggles. I really enjoy doing this on a weekly basis...trying new recipes, new decorating ideas...I'm kinda using my creative skills for all of this.
So, why am I having such a hard time today? Why had it been one thing after another? Oh yeah...I have a special maintenance child who is extremely demanding of me. He takes up 95 percent of my time...the other kids take up the rest. Today was the breaking point of knowing that my life is no longer for me. It is no longer my dreams to follow, my hopes or wishes..or even my time to just be me. I have given it up for what I have. A hard pill to swallow, especially since I have so much I WANT to do. I Love my kids dearly and love taking care of Kenny...but sometimes, I just want to me me.
With my baking today...I was forgetting this and not putting enough of that in the recipes...Its very disheartening! I had to pitch a whole huge bowl of red velvet cake mix because I forgot how much of the oil and water I put in...and tonight, I made lemon squares...they SO didn't look right! UGH. I HATE when things don't turn out the way I wanted them too.
It doesn't help that hubby is extremely busy and that Kenny and Gina were non stop screaming and crying...Kenny being very clingy and just not a very happy camper today. So, yeah..I got nothing accomplished. So I sit here at 11 at night...still having to make 6 dozen cheesecake cupcakes and I honestly don't want to. I feel like I'm gonna screw those up too. Should I wait to morning? I dunno. I just hate the fact that I cant seem to do what I want to do without other responsibilities as opposed to others in the house who has one thing and one thing only to worry about.
I'm tired...I'm ranting and raving like a mad woman..and I just want to go to sleep and let this day pass. I just wish we had more of a support system to help me with Kenny. He is so much to handle at times and I am tired....I'm so very tired. Grateful to God to think that I can do this..but questioning this greatly.
On another note. I did learn how to make chocolate cheesecake cupcakes...the taste test will be tomorrow morning :)

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