Monday, January 23, 2012

Life stresses

Yesterday started off bad and just kept getting me backtrack a little...this whole past week & weekend were pretty bad. Personal stuff and the stupid stomach virus that got 4 of the kids. Then you get the kids fighting between themselves, not helping around the house, me not feeling great...and Kenny needing 110% attention. It doesn't make or a very happy me.
As you know, we were trying to get EM:HE to come to our house...and we were thisclose to it happening, and we already know what the outcome was. We also now know that the show was cancelled, so that big pipe dream (that almost happened) is no longer...which is no big deal, it just means that we will do it on our own. It made us that much stronger, in that aspect. Fast forward to a few days ago when I saw an ad for county funded money to help fix problems within the house of small kids or a house where there is a child with disabilities. Ding! A lightbulb went off and I contacted them. We are having them come out today to see what needs repair in the house. I am praying they can help us. It would help us out so much!
The other stressor in the life if Michele is the fact that we are going to be going to Kennys school this morning for a meeting with his teachers for kindergarten readiness. It finally is hitting me hard that my son had disabilities and delays and that he is almost 5 and not at all ready for kindergarten. It makes me sad in one aspect, but proud of how far he's come. I mean every mother wants their child to be just fine...go to kindergarten, make friends, and just be normal. The reality is sinking in as he is getting older, that he is not a normal kid, and it breaks my heart. Everyone can say comments like,"he's so's just gonna take some time" or "at least he survived" (which is true) but sometimes I just cry at the fact that instead of talking or telling me what he wants, needs, or feel, he makes "ah" sounds and babbled or yells, making no words just sounds. He doesn't know how to talk let alone his address, he doesn't know how to hold a pencil, doesnt know how to use utensils, he is still in diapers (but on a good note with that...he kinda let's me know when he peed or pooped by holding his bum with his mouth opened really it's a start). It just has really hit me like a ton of bricks that my son, whom I prayed over, taken care of, play with to help him learn and spend 110% of my time with, is not ready for that next big step...kindergarten. I have turned this around on me and I feel that I failed as a mother for not doing enough for my son. I know that that is stupid thinking, but being a mom IS my job. I gave up a career that I loved to raise my kids...and now...between the kids fighting constantly and Kenny...I have a slight feeling of failure.
Well off to to the meeting. I'll post how it turned out when I get back.

1 comment:

Shona said...

I've been thinking about you the last few days and just read your post. I know from what we have been through with Benjamin and his Brachial Plexus Injury (nothing compared to what you deal with on a daily basis) that "normal" is an illusion. Our babies are going to become exactly who they were meant to become. They are going to achieve to THEIR highest level with our help and love and support. That is all we can ask. I am often in awe of your strength and your amazing capacity to stay so strong and be so positive. You are an amazing woman and an amazing mommy.