Holding my Kenny for the first time!

I GOT TO HOLD MY LITTLE MAN TODAY....FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER!!!!
He is still sick with an infection and the lower right lobe of his lung is collapsed, but they let me hold him!!!! Every emotion went through me tonight from scared to hold him, scared that he will die, scared to love him too much and then lose him...to excited to Finally hold him, excited to look into his eyes and kiss his little head...to...sad. sad that I wont ever be able to do this with Nick, sad that they couldn't stay put inside of me for longer, a lot longer. Sad that my little Kenny will never know his own special twin bond with his brother. There was also tons of love. Love beyond any love. To love such a tiny being is so breath taking. I finally sort of felt like this whole 2 months was real. That I WAS pregnant, hospitalized for almost 3 weeks, went through a c-section, excited that I had twins and then suddenly, lost one of my babies while the other is fighting for his with all his might. It was real that I felt them move and kick inside of me. It was real that I talked to them every single night, telling them that I loved them and to stay inside of me until they were able to survive outside of me.
All of the not knowing if Kenny will live or die after his surgery, infections, etc... Takes a toll on anyone, but tonight....tonight was worth everything. I got to hold my little miracle!

Sunday, June 3, 2007

Kenny is 1 month as of yesterday, and he is not doing good.
UGH!!! These past 2 days have been, what they call it, one of the "lows" that everyone talks about in the NICU. Kenny needed a blood transfusion yesterday and they found that he had an infection somewhere in his little body. They are not sure where it is, so they stopped his feeds and put a catheter in him. They also did a chest x-ray and a brain scan which, as of yesterday, came back clear. This morning, I called over to the hospital, and he needs ANOTHER blood transfusion! They raised his ventilator settings some too. Please pray for him everyone.
My poor little baby.

A beautiful poem

I found a great poem for me

WHAT MAKES A MOTHER
I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked "What makes a Mother?
"And I know I heard Him say."
A Mother has a baby
"This we know is true"
But God can you be a Mother,
When your baby's not with you?"
"Yes, you can," He replied
With confidence in His voice
"I give many women babies,
When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay."
"I just don't understand this
God I want my baby to be here.
"He took a deep breath and cleared His throat,
And then I saw the tear.
"I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child's smile,
With all the other children and say...
'We go to Earth to learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much,
But I visit her every day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow's where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
Mommy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I'm here.'
So you see my dear sweet ones,
your children are okay.
Your babies are born here in My home,
And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me,
Until your lesson's through.
And on the day that you come home
they'll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart
it's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start
Though some on earth may not realize,
you are a Mother. Until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day
and know that you are the best one!"


I have been having a pretty rough couple of days. Kenny is doing GREAT. They did a head ultrasound and also a chest x-ray today to see how he is doing. We wont get the results back till tomorrow. He is at his birth weight today too! woo hoo! I just love him soooo much!!! I'll be posting tomorrow to update everyone on how he is doing.