Monday, October 20, 2014

teamwork...tag teaming...or just crafty buddies....

This is just an example of how cute Kenny and Gina work together.
Gina LOVES the "Nurdle Turtles" as she calls them. She wants to be one for Halloween along with decorating the pumpkins in the same theme. So, she took it upon herself and at 6, she drew and colored her very own Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Jack O Lantern! I must say...she is rather talented in the drawing dept....hmmmm...I wonder where she gets that from? tee hee.
Anyhow, Kenny LOVES stickers, so...He was very proud of himself when he helped decorate Ginas pumpkin!
He even wanted to take it to school to show his teacher his great accomplishment!
I love these kids!!!

A Living Social deal for the holidays

If you are anything like me, you start planning your Holidays...well...now. All these years that have come and gone, I've always used my Pampers Points to get free photo cards from Shutterfly. Well, that is until this year when I finally used up just about all of the needed points to gobble up my yearly tradition of picking out my reward for having a kid, or two...or three in diapers. Nowadays, I just use the wipes considering Kenny gets his diapers through Medicaid.
I'm going through my email and low and behold, I come across one from living social. Hmmm...photo cards. So I went on the website and to my surprise...they have really beautiful cards! So I decided to give it a shot.
Here is the link. If you're looking for a really great deal (I bought 70 cards for $28), order!!! You only have a few days left!

Sunday, October 19, 2014

Hello Fall!

So after a few weeks of kids not being home, prior commitments and colds, we finally got a chance to go to our family fall tradition of Red Wagon Farms for pumpkin picking. The weather was perfect...not to hot, but just enough chill in the air to keep the bees away! We were minus one Tony), because now that he is seventeen, he doesn't want to do things with the family...just wait until one day he misses these family outing. I was really sad that Tony didn't want to go, but I wasn't going to let that ruin it for the younger kids.







 We had a blast! Kenny loved the hay ride into the "haunted" forest.




 Beautiful surroundings to take in on this beautiful day!

 and there I am. A rare pic of me. (thanks Taylor ;) )
 Now THAT'S a spider problem that Terminex probably couldn't even take care of!


 So happy!
 Goofy cousins!
The kids hay bale area is always fun...new this year was the corn kernel pit. yeah....a child with sensory issues went crazy in it...poor Kenny. He stood there in a panic, not sure what to do next. I then had to carry him out f the pit and clean out his shoes while he was making the face for "ew gross, this is disgusting"!
 Anyone for pumpkin checkers?!






Hey, I found Gina! Hi Gina!!!

Time for some family pictures...I'm thinking of drawing in my oldest...haahaa


 We then, of course, picked out our pumpkins! I think I had more of a hard time figuring out which one I wanted than the kids! Do I go for a taller, oval shaped or maybe a shorter but round pumpkin? I just couldn't decide...so I got two!






Another traditional fall day that I absolutely loved! I am very blessed to have been able to experience another beautiful fall in my life!

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Pregnancy and infant loss awareness 2014


Tonight I light two candles...one for our Nick and one for the 10 babies I've miscarried, for my family members and friends that have had miscarriages, ectopic pregnancies, still born or neonatal losses, and for those of you that have also had a little one that has passed away for one reason or another. This mommas heart has shattered into a million pieces several times over, in which I am slowly trying to super glue them back...kinda hard when you are missing some that can never be replaced. I can't say it gets easier for those that are new the this group of moms, it just kind of  shows it ugly head when you least expect it. When someone announces a pregnancy, when you see a picture, a smell, a sound, a place or event... For me, a song or even just looking at my son, Kenny does me in! I relive the hours they worked on Nick...the prayers I prayed, the promises to God I made if he would let him live...then...the smell of holding my beautiful, perfect little baby...with blonde hair and eyelashes, telling him to find uncle John in heaven...and then praying that there WAS a heaven for my baby to be headed towards. My face up against his soft cheek and the kisses I gave him.
So tonight, after a very trying and extremely difficult day of anger, resentment and sadness, I remember and honor my Nick, and the rest of these beautiful little lives that never had the chance to experience firsts. 


Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Just...exhausted.


Lining up things, putting everything in bags or containers, shutting cabinets and doors himself, turning on/off every light switch in the house, having to ring the door bell before coming into any house, walking a certain path in the house, having to change his diaper a certain way including how and when I pull his pants up, put his shoes on. Oh, and comb his hair and brush his teeth? Don't even think about it. The tantrums as we walk into a store, we can forget about going to a restaurant to eat...and not being able to understand him because he can't speak words...frustrating for us and probably more so, for him!  
There are some things that are out of our hands. The hands that stroked the fine hair on the arms, the hands that cradled to comfort, the hands that dressed, bathed and fed....the hands that prayed for healing. It feels that my hands are tied. When my son was little, everyone helped him...now, he's 7 and doctors turn their heads at my concerns, doctor appts become further and further apart...even the recommendation for a flu vaccination is mentioned as "if you'd like". I'm the one that feels like I'm losing my mind. I'm the one feeling like a bad mom of a child who "may or may not have" special needs. No, its not said, but the actions and the silence of doctors, teachers and those around me...those that are close like family and those that are just acquaintances...tell me otherwise.
The OCD...the everyday repetition of everything...kind of gets to a person. I almost feel that my mind is questioning everything. Is he really special needs? Is it just me that cant handle him and his actions? Maybe I'm just a bad mom. His rituals of repeating everything...maybe...maybe its me and not him? Behavioral specialists, neurologist...everyone puts it onto the back burner. Its just a developmental phase. No...NO ITS NOT. I'm his mom...I know...ITS NOT. Because if its not...then its ME!
See, this mom...the mom of these 8 kids (Nick included), the mom who has been writing this blog detailing my crazy life....this mom who's been through most...not because of bad luck, but because of just the way my life is being played out...this mom...is exhausted.
I can write about how grateful I am that Kenny didn't die years ago. I can write how every day is a blessing...both of which are extremely true...but today I chose to write about how hard life is with a special needs/chronically ill son. Today I'm going to be honest.
Its hard. Its tiring. and its a constant job.
It wrecks havoc on a marriage, on ones friendships, on ones continence...not to mention sleep.
See, I am noticing that some of the issues I have recently experienced with Kenny is what I experienced with my first born...who was born with just a small...small pocket of fluid at 34 weeks with IUGR. Weighing only 4 lbs. 8 oz.
Some of those issues that were never mentioned were things that I blamed myself for were how crazy he got when I had to tuck in his shirt for school...he'd go absolutely crazy that his shirt was balling up...we'd fight all morning and be late for Kindergarten (through 4th grade) because of his shirt, his belt and his socks. Then I'd get the "I'm bored"...beyond what would be consider normal. This is just a sample of what happened 11 years ago...a sample that is starting to look more and more like a flashback as I struggle to get Kenny off to school.
I hate that I now have an out of control teen who is constantly fighting with us and acting out...but I also have my youngest son... who is out of control and constantly fighting with us. I call them my "bookends". I say that with the upmost love for my boys. I love them with my heart and soul...but this mom is done...the bookends have collapsed on top of me and I am feeling the weight of trying to do the right thing, give them the best resources for life, and just trying to be a good mom and human. But see...I am only human and this is killing me.
So please, I don't want to hear how I turned my back on my friends/family, I don't want to hear how I've changed, that its all just his developmental stage and I don't want to hear that I need to chill out a little...I hate being ignored, because sometimes I need to vent. I don't have an easy life...but I also didn't bring this on myself. what was my options...pull the plug on my micro preemie? I am already dealing with guilt for doing it with my angel son, Nick...so I don't want to hear that we are in charge of our own destiny. Those who say that have not been in my shoes. I have changed...I don't like the way I've turned out....and would give anything to have the happy, no worrying, not jealous, happy and crazy Michele back. The Michele that never had to know what a seizure looked like, how to change a g-tube, worry about the next cold or virus that hits our house, or how it feels when I go to the cemetery to visit my son...and see an extra plot sitting there waiting to gobble up my surviving son at any time.
So yeah...This is a bad day for me but I wanted to let everyone know this is not an easy life...a mom to preemies,  teenagers, a micro preemie/special need, and an angel. I love my kids to infinity and beyond. I've cried many tears and prayed many prayers...
I am just exhausted.

Monday, September 1, 2014

Healthy and Happy Harvest

This is a few weeks late, but here goes....
Happy September 1st Everyone!
 A new month, a new season getting ready to honor us with its glory....an school has started!
This past week has been crazy busy with getting a routine down with new schools and new sleep schedules! After a summer of staying up and waking up even later...this whole school schedule has been really put through the test!
But I think it's finally coming together! Here is the annual first day of school picture. The first year, ever that the kids aren't dawning crisp white, blue or brown uniforms. It's public school for this bunch (followed by PSR classes). There are likes and dislikes to this year, but I'm sure we'll all get used to our new routine.
As the kids are at school, I've taken a day to can pickles!  
Decorating for fall is exactly what i invisioned this house to look like! there is still so much i would love to do, but life is hectic and i have to step back and decide from wants and needs. I've also finally found a place for my SpookyTown village that I've been collecting for years, with no place to set it up! Woot woot for fall and halloween...and especially this new amazing house