Saturday, January 9, 2016

What I've learned by age 46

As I was growing up, I couldn't even fathom the idea of me being 46. But yet...here I am! I mean...the 26 yr old me was living life as an almost married woman who just bought her first home with her hubby to be. Fixing it up in all whites and cream colors.
The 26 yr old me had dogs, not kids...and I was good with that. I knew how to take care of dogs...puppies even!
The 26 yr old in me worked out daily...running, weight lifting, crunches and more...not having to worry about my weight...only to feel good and keep my figure looking good in my wedding dress. Heck, the 26 yr old me had a 2 seat sports car that was my baby!!!
As I got a little older...the 36 year old me had learned about being selfless.
Oh how I lost myself in my selflessness! Bedrest for most of the 5 babies I had...and learn how to deal with the harsh reality of a couple miscarriages.
How we went from an all cream colored house to adding dark furniture...to cover up the stains...haahaaa
I learned how to change 2 kids diapers at one time, how to survive on 3 hours of sleep, but still have energy to take all 5 kids to the city pool to have fun.
I learned how to totally love being a mom. Not only a mom...but a stay at home mom. OK...so I sort of lost myself in that respect too...but...I wouldn't change it for the world!
I learned how to make huge dinners to feed a family of 7, I learned how to make the most of a little house and a big family. I made friends through my kids friends parents...which...was a fun, exciting time.
I learned how to go out once a month with the girls...because everyone needs that time off from daily routine to be a human and not just a robot carrying on life.
These were the best years of my life. Everyone around us was young, healthy and thriving.

Then I hit 46.
It hit like a ton of brick, to be honest. We added 3 more kids to the mix since my 36 year old self was in the limelight...and parents are in their upper 70's with some health issues.
At 46, I learned that life is a gift. But a gift on loan...ok...so, its kinda like a library book. you get this new book...read it and then...its due back. But instead of just returning it, it just disappears. Gone. You don't get it back...there is not even a renewal of the loan in which, you didn't even finish reading the book.
My 46 year old self has learned that after the first 3 miscarriages, I had to look at them as a clinical thing rather than a child/dream lost...it still hurt, but it made it easier as I had 10+ miscarriages. But in that timeframe of 36-46...I also lost a child which in turn...took a piece of me with him.
I learned to hit the lowest of lows. The depths where not many moms have gone...but only if you're not looking. When you become part of this new life of having lost a child, bereaved moms seem to be everywhere...people just don't talk about it much because of fear of bringing someone down or something...I honestly don't know. Seems to be a tough subject for most.

I learned that pregnancy is a beautiful and joyous time and those that are, should never take it for granted. I honestly miss it now that I am getting up in age where it is pretty much impossible to have an ewpsy...because that means...IM GETTING OLD.

I learned that parents cant and wont always be able to be there for you...not because they don't want to...but they cant. So with that, I also learned that a phone call a day helps...even if its just for 10 minutes...and to always say I love you.

I've learned that there is something in the universe that ties numbers to life...
Nick passed away on May 4th...
for years, I've seen this...
and I guess, it has something to do with angels.
 
I learned to rehab a squirrel...I recommend everyone rehab a wild animal in your lifetime...its a very rewarding (and slightly, time consuming) experience.

I learned that friendships don't always last and its ok.
 
I learned to forgive, say sorry, and do things I don't want to do...but in the end, feel better for doing it.
 
I learned that moving sucks...not only from packing and unpacking...but because of all the memories you share in a place you've started your life...your family...
I've learned that if you really, really want something...you have to really, really fight for it. Sometimes it works out...and sometimes it doesn't...but you can at least say, you tried your hardest
(example...the fight it was to get the foreclosure we really wanted)
 
I've also learned that just because a person has a big house, does not mean they are wealthy...just lucky and persistent and probably 50% Italian (because we are loud and crazy like that)!
 
I've learned that laptop computers cant be in this house because they will be broken within 6 months and that and over abundance of coffee that I started drinking in my 30's has carried into my 40's.

I learned that teenagers are never happy and will blame you for almost everything. But I have also learned that having high school aged kids is really, really fun despite being hated and told that I shouldn't have had so many kids. haahaa yeah...whatever

I've also learned that my life would be forever changed...not just from the death of a child, but from having a child who is special needs/chronically ill.
I've learned of the word "retarded".
For me...at age of 46 doesn’t mean saying the wrong thing to a person.
It doesn't mean fighting with your siblings, going into each others rooms without permission.
It doesn't mean forgetting to send out Christmas Cards.
It doesn't mean typing a grammatical error on social media.
It doesn't mean not wanting to play with your playmate at school.
It’s not something to describe yourself as when you’ve spilled your coffee, or tripped on a crack in the sidewalk, or even cut yourself on a knife or broken glass while doing dishes.
It’s not something to describe your printer, boss, parent when mad at, a phone or even a burnt out lightbulb that needs replacing.

For me, at age 46, it’s not just any word, its my son.
My handsome, quirky, happy and lovable little miracle who is - slow or limited in intellectual development and academic progress...which is what the dictionary says "retarded" means.
Ive learned (and hopefully teaching my kids) that being retarded means something different. It means not being able to fully care for yourself...yes, that includes diaper changes and wiping of the butt for an almost 9 year old. It means not understanding why you have to go to the doctor and specialists so much...or even why the other kids don't have to go at all (except for well visits).
It means not being able to explain what hurts when something hurts...and even not being able to shed a tear because you don't know if it hurts THAT bad (when it does).
It means not being able to read, color in the lines, do 2nd grade work, ride a 2-wheeler, or ever be able to live on your own.

Kenny may have cognitive issues and delays. He may never live on his own...eh...well...he most likely will never live on his own.
But my son is a smart kid. He has more self-confidence than anyone I know who’s called themselves “retarded”.  He is the best judge of a person’s character than anyone else I’ve ever known.
So...my 46 yr old self has learned that a curse can be a blessing in disguise. I am allowed to have my good days and bad days. To be able to vent to family, friends and on social media if I want. That what I am experiencing is my life, my feelings, and what I make of it is up to me.

I've learned that raising a micropreemie with underlying issues is scary. I thought we were done with scary issues when we left the NICU...nope.

I've learned to deal with seizures, feeding tubes, hearing aids, breathing treatments, autistic meltdown, and hospital stays.

I'm learning sign language...that counts as learning another language...right?

I've learned that getting approved for a Make A Wish is a sad and happy thing...all mixed together like that bin of mixed bulk candy. Some are good and some...not so much. Knowing that my son is approved for a life-threatening illness dream wish is a very hard thought to handle...I don't want to bury another child...but then again...I want him to have the best life moments ever and to be as normal as possible for the time he is with us...be it long or short...like...on loan from the big library in the sky.

I've learned that I can kinda understand my son who babbles away and tries to talk with all his might.
 
I've learned that going to a supermarket, restaurant, school concert or anywhere else that it is inappropriate for a child to be loud and...well...have a meltdown, is next to impossible and that tag-teaming with my hubby is the only way we can keep sane!
 
 I've learned that the feelings of guilt, anger, fright and sadness are always going to be in my heart and head...but its up to me to think positive.

I've learned that having a bigger house doesn't always mean a better life...just more work to pay bills and clean (side note...it has helped with keeping Kenny healthy ;) )

I've learned that marriage...20 years...is not always glamorous...but it's well worth it if you don't give up, keep the communication open and keep the commitment that you made to God and to each other.

I've learned that couponing...borderline...extreme couponing...is quite easy, but hard to explain to those that don't do it.
Ive learned to make really good cupcakes
I've learned to grow zuchinni...don't laugh...I could never grow them in my 20's and 30's!!!
I've learned that I love gardening (flower and vegetable), decorating, all crafts and still love painting.
I've learned that I should never have given up on my drawing ability and the want to pursue it in a higher education.
 I've learned that I really do like the taste of wine and to never have more than 2 mixed drinks.
I've learned to do things on my own or at least try to...and if it doesn't work...then call for help.
I've learned that cats actually do make good pets and are not the devil like everyone says.
At 46, I've learned that I can honestly say I like all kinds of music...except for country...now...I do like the old country favorites that my parents listen to and a few crossover singers songs...but that's about it.

And finally, I've learned that in my 46 years on this earth, to try not to worry about the future because the future is never promised...that life is really too short, so enjoy every minute of it including the stressful and bad stuff....and that life is pretty good...even with all the daily struggles....it is still all pretty amazing!

Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Signs of Nick everywhere!

I've been amazed at how life has, ever so slightly, let us know that Nick is, and always will be, a part of our lives. As a mom who has lost a child, I have never expected, but always hoped that my son would somehow...I don't know...ok...Ill just say it...I have always prayed that there was something more than just dying. myself, being a Christian...know that there is a Heaven...but a little bit of me is unsure. I mean...what if? What if there is nothing more. You die...and that's it? I think that is the hardest part of death is the unknown...and that scares the cr@p out of me! I envy those that have such a strong faith in knowing that there IS something more...that there is life after death.
I once had a very strong faith...and kind of still do because after my son passed away, I felt his spirit leave his body. I just knew...what I was holding wasn't him any longer. This is why when the nurses told me that they'd clean him up and get him dressed...I told them I couldn't hold or see him. At the time...I felt that it was very right...but now a days, I have been second guessing myself...questioning why I didn't want to bathe him. Why didn't I hold him and get some more picture of him after he passed away. Maybe its because I am missing him more and more...I don't know. What I do know is that I would give anything to see my baby again. And for that...I will keep my hope and prayers alive with knowing that Jesus...that God has promised us eternal life. All my relatives and friends whom have crossed over....I hope, pray and look forward that they are somewhere....Heaven, and that I will feel their spirits again.
 
Today was going to prove it...even without me being there!
 
Today was "Grand Friends" day at the elementary school. Gina has been out with strep, so today was all about Kenny and his Grandma and Grandpa on daddy's side. He woke up soooooo excited that today his Grandma Mary and Grandpa (Papa) was going to his school.
All morning I was wondering how it was going. I was praying he was being good. I was praying that My in-laws would be ok with how Kenny is...and what he does...his feeds, the way that he is in the second grade...doesn't know math, reading, spelling...yet he scribbles, hugs and loves life and that's all that matters!
Well my mom-in-law called me up to tell me how their day went and said that it was very nice. That they sat in a spot where Kenny could see them...and that he was very excited. She told me that they met his aide and teacher and that there was a little boy, who was also in the second grade (he wasn't special needs), who was with them...and stayed with them throughout the Grand friends presentation and morning. He told them that his Grandma had died and that his grandpa couldn't come...so he was alone....and that is why he was with Kenny and his grandma and grandpa...so he had someone. Anyhow...the boys name....
NICK
yep.
When my mom-in-law told me this...I had goosebumps...and yes...after I got off the phone with her...I cried my eyes out like a big baby!
First off...little things like this...when my TWINS should be experiencing everything together...life...They're not.
Being a twin and having my husband as a twin makes it even worse. We know how close our twins are to us...and for Kenny and Nick having to separate so early on...to me...its heartbreaking.
I couldn't imagine losing my twin...EVER! We are so close.
To know that Nick isn't with Kenny makes me physically sick sometimes. How could this be? I mean...I know how it is...and we are dealing with it...but wow...what a thing to have to deal with?!
So for a  "Nick" to be part of Kenny and my In-laws little "group" for such a special day...I will just believe that Nickolas was letting his Grandma, Grandpa and twin brother know that even though he wasn't physically here...he will always be with them and a part of them.
God I miss him so much!


Saturday, November 21, 2015

Why today, I choose to become selfish

 
These last few years have crept up. I am no longer a 30-something...nor am I in my early 40's. I have turned 46 and realized that after giving up my career and having 8 kids, taking care of one with special needs/chronically ill, burying a child, being in debt, getting out of debt, seeing friends pass away, watching my kids turn to young adults, and watching our parents age....I need to take back a little bit of me that has been lost in years and years of shuffle.
 
That watching the news, reading the paper and being on social media and watching how torn apart the world has become...that I don't have time to worry about things. Sure, its what is happening...and it is a traumatic and sickening feeling that we don't know who is going to do what to any nation. That there are bad people in the world who can care less as to who they hurt and how they do it.
 
I have found that being online, reading my friends posts on gun control, terrorists, refugees, politics, discrimination, bigotry, government issues like social security, food stamps and such like. I have almost become afraid and overwhelmed to even turn my computer on to get online these days. I have had so much in my life...in my immediate circle of life, that hearing, reading and seeing all this bad, negative, divided hatred towards anything and anyone makes me physically and mentally ill.
 
First off, there should not be so much...hatred and dividing of any culture. There are good whites, and bad whites, good cops and bad cops, good Muslims and bad Muslims, honest people that work hard for their money and those that honestly scam the system...it always has been and always will be. its the ying/yang of life. But to see it more and more...every day...it gets exhausting. Its the constant pounding of negativity and bad...this world is turning into Pottersville rather than being Bedford Falls like it should. There are radicals in every group...every walk of life...whom think their way, their kind is the only kind that should be. Well to that, I say...you are wrong. I grew up in a suburb where Catholics, Jews (and everyone in between) whites and blacks all grew up together. We learned that what made us different, is what made our little community what it was...great! If everyone could keep their own values of life to their own...this world would be a much better place. We have those who don't believe in anything...again...its your choice. Its your choice to grow up and teach your children what you want...but to teach them to hate or to not care that a human life is valuable...inexcusable.
I am not going to throw religion on anyone...but the ten commandments pretty much are for everyone to follow. they are virtues to live a happy, loving, Peaceful and caring life to those on this earth...not just for those who believe in God. Do I want gun control? Do I dislike the President or presidential hopefuls? Do I turn a blind eye to illegals or those scamming the system? Do I hate all walks of life because of a few bad seeds? Do I want refugees that could or could not be terrorists? The media is very quick to make sure to tell you what they want you to hear...left wing or right. Believable or not. I honestly think that having such an open, free for all media frenzy is causing much of the hate and panic in this world.
 
OK...off my soapbox. What I was trying to get through was that having been through so much in my lifetime...and being the age I am, I just want peace.
 
I want peace in the world. I want peace in my family, I want peace amongst my friends...and I want internal peace for myself. I have had bad years where there would be fighting within the families....why? Well for one...and I'm the first to admit it...is Jealousy. Yep... the "J" word. I was/am jealous of one thing or another that someone had or did. My jealousy come out in anger. Angry how something, someone, some words have hurt my heart. Jealous of what I don't have, what I cant do, what I had but lost. Jealous of a different life, a different path that my life took rather than what I wanted and wished for.
I have hurt and been hurt all due to jealousy...which fueled anger. And for that, I am truly sorry to all those family and friends that have been in my destructive path.
 
And secondly the stress from this life that was given to me. I've pushed people away because of the stress of many things...pregnancy losses and knowing there wont be any more because of my age, which brings me to getting older. Seeing grey hair more and more, seeing that "just exercise" isn't enough any more...and seeing a different person in pictures to what I see...its quite heart-stopping. Wanting more time with parents, having to deal with the every day life of having a SN/Chronically ill child. Which kinda go hand in hand because there are many...OK, most times that our parents just.cant.handle. Kenny, which means less time spent with our parents.  Also having teenagers that are trying to be their own person. I have been trying to figure out how to "let them fly" but still be a mom...a loving, caring mom. For them to not hate, ridicule and be embarrassed of me. My kids whom I have coddled and loved...to see them grow...its fun and exciting, but also...really sad that they really "don't like me" as much anymore.
 
God, I wish there was an instruction book on life!
 
 I stress out from the fight with SSI/Medicaid for my son. I stress out that I cant understand what he is trying to tell me most of the time. I stress from trying to calm a child who has meltdowns constantly...like almost hourly if I'm not or someone else isn't paying attention.  He is like that of a 3 yr. old in terms of not knowing what danger is or what is right/wrong or how to be gentle.
 
 I want to see all my children grow up to old age. I want my special needs/chronically ill son to live a long and happy life...I honestly am so scared to bury him...or any other child of mine. The reality stops me in my tracks and brings me to my knees at times. I have tried to live a very honest and open life. Shoot, I pretty much have my entire life here on this blog! So to be questioned, looked at like I did something wrong, questioned or disliked...I cant deal. My first impulse is to fight (yes...I get that from my mom...the strong willed Italian). I then cry...a lot. I don't usually retreat and become secluded because...well...that's not me. In another time, it was...but not anymore. I want the people that I have met along the way of my life to somehow still be in it..in a good positive way. To see the good in everyone...and to not hold grudges or let my jealousy bring me down.
 
We all have to realize that there will always be those "someones" who will try to manipulate, add stress, have jealousy over, want their opinions to be yours and want control over situations where control is out of control. It is our place...in our own lives and hearts to become "selfish" and want a good life, want good people in it.
 To not be without peace in our lives, but have it within ourselves first.



Monday, November 9, 2015

Monday Madness

 
Well...this is how my morning went:
(an excerpt from my Facebook post this morning) 
3 kids took showers...3 loads of clothes washed, a kid staying home (crying) because her eczema is really bad and covering her face, arms and legs. Two going in late because of Kenny's neurology appt. (and Gina didn't want to go to school alone). My eye is swollen for some strange reason...and oh...mine and my daughter Morgan's glasses are held together by tape and super glue (must get new ones). ...and we're supposed to be driving right now so they all wont be late for school...and here I sit, on my computer, because they are STILL NOT READY!
 
Fast forward to now:

 It hasn't gotten any better...I repeat, the day has NOT gotten any better! I vowed to think positive, do positive and start with a clean slate for everything...today has just deflated my positive perception on life!
We took Kenny in to his neurologist, showed him the video (seen below)
...because I wasn't sure he got my e-mail the day after it happened with the video included. He never sent me an email or even a phone call back, so I wanted to follow up with him and to get his opinion on what is going on and if there is anything else we need to do to be proactive in his treatments.
 
 The response we got was something I could have gotten from my neighbor! "Eh...I'm not totally convinced it even WAS a seizure he had".
 
Ummmm...then...wtf was it then? Why does he do this several times a year, and its happening more and more frequently? Why is his head all the way to the right with his eyes darting back and forth and going way off into the right side of his head? If this is not a focal seizure, then what the eff is going on with my son? He cant communicate during these, he looks through people not at them and he is tired after these "episodes"! I want to know what is going on!!!
 
 He did up his dose of his seizure meds, because..you know...these really aren't seizures, so lets just give him more meds...because, he DIDNT have a seizure! Sure, that's something I want to do. I want to give my kid more meds for something that he isn't having...wow.
Keep in mind, this doctor has been his neurologist since he was 2.5. He didnt remember that he has a feeding tube, that he doesnt say too many words
(ma, da, bus, more, backpack...and a few more words...)
So, when I asked him what is going on with him then? He tell me...he's just kenny. WTF!!!!! 
I think need a new doc for him...what do you think?  If there is anyone out there that has any recommendations for a good pediatric neurologist, please email me or send me a comment. We are in the Cleveland area.
He was supposed to have an MRI a few years ago to check his brain. When I asked about one, they said they're not giving him one just yet. Why? is it because...well, "he is who he is and has what he has"? I dont know about any other special needs parent, but I am not going to sit around and wait for my son to die without doing everything I can and know exactly what is going on!!!!
I am feeling defeated today. I felt like it was a waste of time. A place that used to really care for my son gets him in and out of there so fast...he was supposed to get his flu shot today...and well, they hurried us out of there that now, I have to take him tomorrow morning for it.
 
To top off my day...I had the school call me and tell me that Kenny's G-tube was pulled on by another student. Honestly...its fine. if it came out, which it didn't...whatever. This is why I keep an extra one there at school! Kids are kids, I'm surprised it didn't happen sooner. Anyhow, they didn't quite know what to do. It wasn't out, but it was much more lose than it was before. I asked if she knew how to see if the balloon inside was still full of water or popped...and she didn't know how to check!!! OMG!!! So, without further instructions that I knew I'd get frustrated in trying to tell her how to do it...I just told her to use the gauze and tape, and tape it to his tummy so it wont come out...and I'll check it when he comes home!
(and this is what he came home looking like)
...and now...I am writing this blog getting ready to take my Kayleigh to the doc for her extreme eczema that is covering her...after waiting on hold with her peds for over 30 minutes!
My I superglued my glasses together...which will look just lovely at my Nephews wedding on Saturday...eh...it will just go with my dark circles under my eyes (along with the swelling of them for no known reason, my teeth that are taking over my face (the Gibbs have nothing on me), pre-menopausal weight gain and my brown and grey hair...
#ShootMeNow #NeedMoreZoloft #NotAgingVeryGracefully #TryingToLetGoAndLetGodButHeBlockedMeOnFBToo!
 
Happy Monday to you all!!!

Saturday, October 24, 2015

Grahams Foundation....


Please support Parents of Preemies Day, a worldwide day of awareness produced by Graham’s Foundation. Parents of Preemies Day recognizes the courage and commitment it takes to stay strong and resilient when premature birth turns a family’s world upside down. Each year, 13 million babies are born prematurely across the globe and though medical breakthroughs continue to improve outcomes for preemies, experts are only now beginning to understand the intense psychological effects that premature birth has on moms and dads.
Here are just some of the ways you can celebrate Parents of Preemie’s Day, whether you’re a preemie parent or someone who cares about a family with a preemie:
Check grahamsfoundation.org/resources/parents-preemies-day/ to find out if there is an event happening in your area and if so, register. The first Sunday in May is going to be a great time!
Share your family’s story on the Parents of Preemies Day Facebook page.
Connect with other parents of preemies at the next #ParentsofPreemiesDay Twitter chat! Jump into the conversation using hashtag #ParentsofPreemiesDay to talk about how moms and dads can celebrate being parents of preemies.
Bloggers, visit the Parents of Preemies Day website and grab a badge for your sidebar – then create a Parents of Preemies Day post to tell the world why you’re proud to be a preemie mom or dad. Email a link to your post to christa @ grahamsfoundation.org and we’ll post it on the website!
Visit the Parents of Preemies Day website for ideas about what you can do to support moms and dads of preemies.

Friday, October 23, 2015

A phone call...never expected...

I'm sitting here at home just doing laundry when the phone rings. I answer it and who is it on the other end...my youngest son, KENNY! He called me from school (with help from his teachers)! He learned our phone number and they let him call home!!! My smile is interrupted with some happy tears!!! This is a huge milestone! For my 8 year old, special needs son to call home...HUGE!
This is one happy momma!
He then brings home and takes this out of his backpack....he is such a proud little boy today!!!
(don't mind the chapped chin...he has a habit of drooling and licking his lower lip, hence the chapped look)
 
I also finished up another decoration to the yard...
Packaging tape ghost!
Still have a lot more to do...but this is what I have so far!
 
Today is a good day!
 
 

The time has come...


The time has come to finally decide on a Make A Wish for Kenny. We rattled our brains to pick the very best...something he would really, really love...and it kept coming back to the same thing. The one thing that he has loved since he understood what songs/music was....Andy Gibb and the Bee Gees. Sure, We know that Barry Gibb is the only living Gibb brother, but we wanted something that would pertain to Kenny...and he just loves the music...the sound of the Gibbs voices.
(this picture was taken years ago...)
 
 
Something about Andy Gibb, Barry Gibb and the Bee Gees...he can sit and watch/listen to them for hours (which is a rarity).
So we decided on something pertaining to the Gibb Brothers...also Give Kids The World/Disney.
Time will tell if this is possible, but I am confident in our decision as to what his WISH should be...and for that, my heart is full of contentment
...and
we
are
happy we
did
because of
THIS...
(taken a few days ago)
 To see my little boy so enthralled in a song...songs by Andy and the Gibb Brothers. To be trying to imitate and sing...it makes my heart melt!
 

Saturday, October 17, 2015

Many thing...including a Make A Wish!!

I know its picture overload, but I am very proud of the yard. I am still not finished...I have more tombstones to put in and also I am working on a large ghost...but so far, this is what I have.
Not to mention, it takes my mind off of the fact that I still cant find Kenny's hearing aid which he lost last Saturday...its gone. I've looked in every room...in every corner. I'm sure he put it in something...its just not showing up. ugh. And also...Kenny is getting a Make A Wish! I'm not sure how I'm feeling about this...especially since I know that it is for very sick kids who are fighting to live. I know in my heart that he deserves this...but my brain cant wrap my head around the fact that my surviving twin son who has fought so hard to live...and has caused a lot of anxiety for me (in terms of his health and developmentally). I cant fathom losing another child...I just cant. But I know that it is a very strong possibility...reality that wracks my brain nightly...especially after a very trying day of tantrums and me feeling guilty for yelling and wanting him to...just.be.healthy and normal!
Getting the call from them...hit me like a ton of bricks. "KENNY GOT APPROVED FOR A WISH"...excitement and sorrow hit me at the same time. I was left speechless. A simple thank you so very much came out of my mouth as a wave of grief hit me. How is it that MY son....the son who fought so hard to live, have a "shorter life expectancy than normal". Does that mean burying another child? Because...if that's the case, life really sucks! A parent shouldn't have to worry about burying a child...let alone 2! And then I think...all those that I have scorned...that have "unfriended" me because of my actions (or lack of) and words? I know I have not been a very great person these last 8 years. I have not completely been there for those I honestly love and...yeah...miss. But, when it comes to a child whom I've had so many ups and downs with...spent many days in the hospital worrying if he would come home...then have to care for him day after day, night after night...more so than a typical child. The lack of respite is to blame...and yeah, I guess, because of my short temperedness and momma bear instincts, I am at fault too. So...Kenny is granted a Wish...and Monday, the volunteers will be out to meet our family and figure out a great wish for him. Please say a prayer that I get through this with no tears.
So this whole Halloween Cemetery Yard is pretty much my project that I threw myself into...momma also needs an outlet for all the anxiety and stress...it just so happens, that I take it out creatively...writing, art and...well...this, creative expressionism...see...I went to college and am using my college terminology...haahaaa.
I feel a since of pride and accomplishment in stuff like this...it makes me...ME!





If anyone knows me...I love the holidays! So to use my creative ideas for our boring, bland side yard....I just HAD to make it into a graveyard! I still have more to do, but 2 weeks before Halloween...this is what I have. I just put in the green (and red for the pumpkin rot) lighting, and added the webbing! LOVE IT...and hope you do to!

Friday, October 16, 2015

Paper mache project continued...and the yard is transformed!

In my last post, I left off where I coated the pumpkin heads with a asphalt filler and sealer. Yeah, I was having issues with it cracking and then with the paint sticking...so I am thinking that it wasn't the best idea...buuuut...It is very sturdy.
After allowing them to dry, I got to work with what I love to do...PAINT!
I used acrylic paints...just typical craft store paint. I used a bright orange, a few different shades of brown (light and dark), a few different shades of green, a shocking blue and white. important to know...I used a dry brush method of painting. This way, it captured all the texture of the pumpkins. Basically, you start off with black and you gradually build up the color...do not just slap orange paint on it and call it a day because all the hard work and extra steps to create such a texture-realistic pumpkin head would be tossed aside. Take your time and let the paint dry before adding the next layer.
 
 
In these first pictures, I added the blue first, then the first layer of orange and green/brown. remember, the key is to start of darker and get lighter as you build up the layers of color!
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
This is what final look of my pumpkin heads. Everyone is different as to the color choices...personal preference. I'd love to try one that is more bluish with a touch of orange...ah...next year! haahaa
 
Anyhow, when they dry completely its time to attach them to what I made them for!
The larger one...
 goes on this creature...
 We secured it with screws/washers and wood that we placed inside his head and under his head to keep it from ripping off the neck.
 
 
 
 
The second head went on a scarecrow type thing. I was going to put a burlap shirt on him, but decided to go for a more "natural' look...
 
After I got the two main guys set up, I started with all the other props...
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
I am still not done!
I'm working on a few more "larger" items to place in the massive haunted graveyard, adding more tombstones, spider webs and spot lights!
 
...again, to be continued!