Tuesday, October 15, 2019

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day 2019

Tonight I will light a candle for our Nicholas.
He would/should be 12...causing chaos and adding grey hair to my head. God, what I wouldn't do to rewrite what was...instead of what is.

I sit quietly and watch Kenny...how tall he got in these past 12 years, how his hair darkened up, how he interacts with his siblings...his laugh, his love for his pets, school, hot wheels...and Andy Gibb.

The way he drives us crazy with his meltdowns...and I always think...what would Nick be doing? How would he look at 12...probably a lot like Kenny but with hair much lighter, maybe blue eyes...maybe brown. What foods would he like? Would he be into sports? Every new experience and every tradition we do...my mind wanders back to Nick...its not somethung I talk about, but one of those few things I keep personally close to my heart.

So today is a day of remembering him...and all 13 miscarriages...some really early and some late...but I witnessed all their hearts beating on the ultrasounds...until I witnessed when they weren't.

To all the mommas (and daddy's) that have had to go through the scary moments of the beginning of a miscarriage or an emergency in the NICU, the grief of losing the baby in a pregnancy or in the NICU, and then trying to heal and move on with life after your loss...I understand. I've been there in pretty much every situation...and understand. ❤

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