Monday, May 2, 2016

Happy 9th Birthday to my twins

I truly cant comprehend that its been 9 years since that day that changed my life. That day that I was so scared yet so excited that I was finally going to meet my twins. I've...we've come so far since that fateful day. It seems like such a long time ago...but on the other hand...just like yesterday. I can still remember every minute of 9 years ago. I can still remember every sound, smell and how I was so, so scared about what was happening...yet very hopeful that my boys would be OK. I had a great doctor and I was in a great hospital...

December 2006 we found out we were expecting...I started bleeding on Christmas Eve and by New Years Day, I thought I miscarried. I called my doctor and asked if I could come in for an ultrasound to make sure the miscarriage was that is what we did. The next day, we went in...I prepared myself for seeing an empty uterus...since I've been through this before. When she put the ultrasound to my stomach, there were 2 sacks! She told us that there were 2 in there and the both looked great!

We were shocked, scared, happy...all in one! Our family of 5 kids was going to expand to 7 kids! GAH!!!! The pregnancy was quite rough since I have had all my babies 6 weeks early, due to a bicornuate uterus, my doctor from the get go was not to happy that I was pregnant with twins. He was very worried that I would miscarry them or have them way too early. He prepared me the best he could for what to expect. Around 16 weeks, I started bleeding...bad. I thought...this is it. I am having the late miscarriage that he was talking about. Turns out, there was a hemorrhage behind baby A's placenta. I was put on bed rest and told me that it would probably correct itself, since they didn't see any other bleeds on the ultrasound. We got very attached to these little guys right off the bat. They were our little miracles! To feel 2 babies move inside of me was so awesome. It was indescribable. Nick (baby A) was on my left and Kenny (baby b) was on my right. I prayed to God every night, that he would bless me with both of them making it through this pregnancy and born healthy. I talked to my boys every day and night...I told them to stay put, that mommy wanted both of them to come home and grow old with our family! When I went in for my 21 week appt. I mentioned to my doc that I was more uncomfortable and "wet". He checked me, sent me for an ultrasound and told me that I was in the hospital for the remainder of the pregnancy. My world was falling apart. How was I to be in the hospital for months when I have 5 little ones at home? So there I stayed... basically head lower than my feet for 2 weeks. I was monitored every day. There, they told me that Kenny (baby b) was now Baby A. He was breech with his feet down by my cervix. By the end of my short hospital stay, I started to feel like I was in contractions but I've been through this 5 times and 2 miscarriages, I think I know what beginning labor feels like. I couldn't stop crying, I was crampy and I had tons of...sorry TMI...discharge. I was given medicine to help me sleep and relax, but I knew what was happening. I was in labor at 23 weeks. The night before I had the twins, the nurses in the antepartum ward knew that I was extremely upset about what was happening, so they called a doctor from the NICU to come in and talk to me about what to expect. Scared the living daylights out of me! Because I was pregnant with twin boys was a negative...girls tend to do better than boys. Singletons do better than twins. If I could keep them in a little longer, that would be good...23 weekers only have a 17% chance of survival. All the problems, "what ifs", statistics and reality was just too much for me. I just cried and cried and prayed. I have never felt so alone in all my life. I spent that night just feeling my boys move inside of me and talking to them. Not knowing that that was the last night that they would be part of me, inside of me...I was protecting them, doing what a mommy was supposed to do. The next morning, May 2, my doctor came in and asked me how I felt. I told him that i honestly felt like I was in labor. I called my husband, Tony to please come be with me because I just wasn't feeling right. With my husband by my side, my doctor checked me...called for the portable ultrasound machine and told me me that Kenny's feet were in the birth canal and I was already dilated to 4. There was no turning back...He was going to perform a c-section right away. He kept telling me that he was sorry...when a doctor apologies, you know it's not good. I was able to call my mom and dad to tell them that the babies were coming, so they made all the other calls to my sisters (including my twin). At 10:29 Kenny was born and at 10:30, Nick. They both weighed 1 lb, 7 oz and were just under 12" long.I was able to see Kenny, but they took Nick right away. I couldn't get over how small they were. I didn't get a chance to see them afterwards because I was in recovery. My oldest sister, husband and best friend were there. I was just kinda numb. I couldn't believe that they were out of me. I couldn't protect them anymore, I couldn't feel them move inside of me, talk to them to tell them that it would be alright. My twin sister did an amazing thing. She is living down in Alabama with her family. She didn't know what to do, so she called my church and asked for the priest to go and baptize the boys. So my priest was also in recovery with us...ready to baptize them and be there for me if I wanted to talk. My husband, sister, friend and priest all went to the nicu and baptised them. Those first 2 days after they were born, were really a blur. I had my daughter's communion that I was making her a headpiece for, while I was still in the hospital. I was getting flowers, cards and calls of congratulations...yet, I couldn't get too excited.

9 years later...
I have cried more tears than I could ever think possible. Every year around this time, I go in to ultra anxiety mode. Nothing, yet everything triggers it. Heck, from mid April through mid May is just a very sad time in my life. The feeling of no control, of not being able to hold my Nick who should be here. The feeling of "what if" I could have held them inside of me....even if it was for just a few more weeks...would that made a difference in outcome? Would Kenny not have so many health and developmental issues? Would Nick still be here? Would I be a different type of mom...a better, more relaxed and happy mom? I have threw these thoughts around in my brain...along with guilt, anger and yes, even some happiness, throughout these 9 years...and from what I'm told, I will do this the rest of my life, but I am OK because life has blessed me.
Through it God has blessed me.
Happy Birthday Kenneth John Tomecko and Nicholas Edward Tomecko. Mommy loves you both so very, very much.

I have to throw this in. 
When my brother passed away 30 years ago, lights have been going on and off...street lights especially. When they do, we always say hi to brother. We all feel that its him trying to let us know that he's still "here"....for those that dont believe...this adds comfort to us...
anyhow, This morning I was getting ready to make coffee. I noticed that the dishwasher door was open...about 4 inches. I was walking over that way to fill the pot with water from the sink, when all of a sudden, the dishwasher started beeping...over and over again. I actually said out loud...(with a huge smile on my face and the hairs on the back of my neck standing up) Happy Birthday Nick. Thanks for letting me know you're around! Little things like this make it easier to function daily life. I can only hope that that beeping was in fact, Nick letting me know he was around me on a very hard day for me. God...I really really miss him.

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