Saturday, November 21, 2015

Why today, I choose to become selfish

These last few years have crept up. I am no longer a 30-something...nor am I in my early 40's. I have turned 46 and realized that after giving up my career and having 8 kids, taking care of one with special needs/chronically ill, burying a child, being in debt, getting out of debt, seeing friends pass away, watching my kids turn to young adults, and watching our parents age....I need to take back a little bit of me that has been lost in years and years of shuffle.
That watching the news, reading the paper and being on social media and watching how torn apart the world has become...that I don't have time to worry about things. Sure, its what is happening...and it is a traumatic and sickening feeling that we don't know who is going to do what to any nation. That there are bad people in the world who can care less as to who they hurt and how they do it.
I have found that being online, reading my friends posts on gun control, terrorists, refugees, politics, discrimination, bigotry, government issues like social security, food stamps and such like. I have almost become afraid and overwhelmed to even turn my computer on to get online these days. I have had so much in my my immediate circle of life, that hearing, reading and seeing all this bad, negative, divided hatred towards anything and anyone makes me physically and mentally ill.
First off, there should not be so much...hatred and dividing of any culture. There are good whites, and bad whites, good cops and bad cops, good Muslims and bad Muslims, honest people that work hard for their money and those that honestly scam the always has been and always will be. its the ying/yang of life. But to see it more and more...every gets exhausting. Its the constant pounding of negativity and bad...this world is turning into Pottersville rather than being Bedford Falls like it should. There are radicals in every group...every walk of life...whom think their way, their kind is the only kind that should be. Well to that, I are wrong. I grew up in a suburb where Catholics, Jews (and everyone in between) whites and blacks all grew up together. We learned that what made us different, is what made our little community what it was...great! If everyone could keep their own values of life to their own...this world would be a much better place. We have those who don't believe in anything...again...its your choice. Its your choice to grow up and teach your children what you want...but to teach them to hate or to not care that a human life is valuable...inexcusable.
I am not going to throw religion on anyone...but the ten commandments pretty much are for everyone to follow. they are virtues to live a happy, loving, Peaceful and caring life to those on this earth...not just for those who believe in God. Do I want gun control? Do I dislike the President or presidential hopefuls? Do I turn a blind eye to illegals or those scamming the system? Do I hate all walks of life because of a few bad seeds? Do I want refugees that could or could not be terrorists? The media is very quick to make sure to tell you what they want you to hear...left wing or right. Believable or not. I honestly think that having such an open, free for all media frenzy is causing much of the hate and panic in this world. my soapbox. What I was trying to get through was that having been through so much in my lifetime...and being the age I am, I just want peace.
I want peace in the world. I want peace in my family, I want peace amongst my friends...and I want internal peace for myself. I have had bad years where there would be fighting within the families....why? Well for one...and I'm the first to admit Jealousy. Yep... the "J" word. I was/am jealous of one thing or another that someone had or did. My jealousy come out in anger. Angry how something, someone, some words have hurt my heart. Jealous of what I don't have, what I cant do, what I had but lost. Jealous of a different life, a different path that my life took rather than what I wanted and wished for.
I have hurt and been hurt all due to jealousy...which fueled anger. And for that, I am truly sorry to all those family and friends that have been in my destructive path.
And secondly the stress from this life that was given to me. I've pushed people away because of the stress of many things...pregnancy losses and knowing there wont be any more because of my age, which brings me to getting older. Seeing grey hair more and more, seeing that "just exercise" isn't enough any more...and seeing a different person in pictures to what I see...its quite heart-stopping. Wanting more time with parents, having to deal with the every day life of having a SN/Chronically ill child. Which kinda go hand in hand because there are many...OK, most times that our parents just.cant.handle. Kenny, which means less time spent with our parents.  Also having teenagers that are trying to be their own person. I have been trying to figure out how to "let them fly" but still be a mom...a loving, caring mom. For them to not hate, ridicule and be embarrassed of me. My kids whom I have coddled and see them grow...its fun and exciting, but also...really sad that they really "don't like me" as much anymore.
God, I wish there was an instruction book on life!
 I stress out from the fight with SSI/Medicaid for my son. I stress out that I cant understand what he is trying to tell me most of the time. I stress from trying to calm a child who has meltdowns almost hourly if I'm not or someone else isn't paying attention.  He is like that of a 3 yr. old in terms of not knowing what danger is or what is right/wrong or how to be gentle.
 I want to see all my children grow up to old age. I want my special needs/chronically ill son to live a long and happy life...I honestly am so scared to bury him...or any other child of mine. The reality stops me in my tracks and brings me to my knees at times. I have tried to live a very honest and open life. Shoot, I pretty much have my entire life here on this blog! So to be questioned, looked at like I did something wrong, questioned or disliked...I cant deal. My first impulse is to fight (yes...I get that from my mom...the strong willed Italian). I then cry...a lot. I don't usually retreat and become secluded because...well...that's not me. In another time, it was...but not anymore. I want the people that I have met along the way of my life to somehow still be in a good positive way. To see the good in everyone...and to not hold grudges or let my jealousy bring me down.
We all have to realize that there will always be those "someones" who will try to manipulate, add stress, have jealousy over, want their opinions to be yours and want control over situations where control is out of control. It is our our own lives and hearts to become "selfish" and want a good life, want good people in it.
 To not be without peace in our lives, but have it within ourselves first.

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