Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Signs of Nick everywhere!

I've been amazed at how life has, ever so slightly, let us know that Nick is, and always will be, a part of our lives. As a mom who has lost a child, I have never expected, but always hoped that my son would somehow...I don't know...ok...Ill just say it...I have always prayed that there was something more than just dying. myself, being a Christian...know that there is a Heaven...but a little bit of me is unsure. I mean...what if? What if there is nothing more. You die...and that's it? I think that is the hardest part of death is the unknown...and that scares the cr@p out of me! I envy those that have such a strong faith in knowing that there IS something more...that there is life after death.
I once had a very strong faith...and kind of still do because after my son passed away, I felt his spirit leave his body. I just knew...what I was holding wasn't him any longer. This is why when the nurses told me that they'd clean him up and get him dressed...I told them I couldn't hold or see him. At the time...I felt that it was very right...but now a days, I have been second guessing myself...questioning why I didn't want to bathe him. Why didn't I hold him and get some more picture of him after he passed away. Maybe its because I am missing him more and more...I don't know. What I do know is that I would give anything to see my baby again. And for that...I will keep my hope and prayers alive with knowing that Jesus...that God has promised us eternal life. All my relatives and friends whom have crossed over....I hope, pray and look forward that they are somewhere....Heaven, and that I will feel their spirits again.
Today was going to prove it...even without me being there!
Today was "Grand Friends" day at the elementary school. Gina has been out with strep, so today was all about Kenny and his Grandma and Grandpa on daddy's side. He woke up soooooo excited that today his Grandma Mary and Grandpa (Papa) was going to his school.
All morning I was wondering how it was going. I was praying he was being good. I was praying that My in-laws would be ok with how Kenny is...and what he does...his feeds, the way that he is in the second grade...doesn't know math, reading, spelling...yet he scribbles, hugs and loves life and that's all that matters!
Well my mom-in-law called me up to tell me how their day went and said that it was very nice. That they sat in a spot where Kenny could see them...and that he was very excited. She told me that they met his aide and teacher and that there was a little boy, who was also in the second grade (he wasn't special needs), who was with them...and stayed with them throughout the Grand friends presentation and morning. He told them that his Grandma had died and that his grandpa couldn't come...so he was alone....and that is why he was with Kenny and his grandma and grandpa...so he had someone. Anyhow...the boys name....
When my mom-in-law told me this...I had goosebumps...and yes...after I got off the phone with her...I cried my eyes out like a big baby!
First off...little things like this...when my TWINS should be experiencing everything together...life...They're not.
Being a twin and having my husband as a twin makes it even worse. We know how close our twins are to us...and for Kenny and Nick having to separate so early on...to me...its heartbreaking.
I couldn't imagine losing my twin...EVER! We are so close.
To know that Nick isn't with Kenny makes me physically sick sometimes. How could this be? I mean...I know how it is...and we are dealing with it...but wow...what a thing to have to deal with?!
So for a  "Nick" to be part of Kenny and my In-laws little "group" for such a special day...I will just believe that Nickolas was letting his Grandma, Grandpa and twin brother know that even though he wasn't physically here...he will always be with them and a part of them.
God I miss him so much!

No comments: