9 years ago today...
Seeing him in the NICU and telling the nurses to keep an eye on him because I didn't like the way he looked. Walking back to my room and then the nurse came in and told me that there was a problem with him. She already called Tony to come down to the hospital. I cried so hard. Rushing back into the NICU seeing the doctors and nurses working on him. Ordering blood transfusion after blood transfusion. Sitting in chairs 20 ft away, unable to do anything but watch and pray. I wanted to throw up, cry, run out of there...anything to not face what was happening. the nurses handing me tissues and water. Just sitting there with Tony. It was three hours...three hours, maybe even longer. I knew in my heart that God wanted him to come home. I just knew it. But I just couldn't believe that my worst nightmare was happening. HOW could it be happening? When the doctors told us that there was nothing more they could do, we cried and cried. He was still alive, do something...anything...dont let my baby die!!!!
They handed him to me to hold for the first time. I held him. I was finally holding my baby.
He was so little, so light, like holding a doll. But he was real. He was alive right now. He was our baby. Our baby that was leaving us. I looked and studied his face so I wouldn't forget any detail about our little Nick. The way he smelled, the cute little chin that looked just like Kennys, the perfect blond hair...I kissed him and kissed him. He was still alive....cant someone do something...anything. Don't let him die. I held his face against my face telling him it was alright. Uncle John was waiting for you with open arms. He needed a nephew, a baby up there to hold since he's missed out on all his kids growing up and all his nieces and nephews...and his own grandchildren. Nick was going to finally meet Uncle John. I told him that it was alright...mommy and daddy would be alright. Watch over us, your brothers and sisters, your twin. How could this be happening. It wasn't supposed to turn out like this. I wanted your brother and sisters to meet you, they were so excited. They never got the chance to see you.
I didn't even get the chance to hold my twins together, to get a picture of my twins together...the nurses then asked if I wanted pictures of my twins together...yes...God yes...but not like this. I wanted to be holding both babies, pink and fat, bundled up with little hats on their heads...crying and wanting to eat. I wanted pictures of them together playing, sleeping, the first day of school together...all the firsts...together. Not like this. It wasn't fair. My cheeks were red, from so much tears and wiping...I just wanted this day to have not happened...but it did. I miss you Nick with all my heart and soul. When you died, a part of me went with you. I wanted you to be part of our big, crazy family. You made me realize that life is a very special gift. I just wish that we had more time to spend together...but isn't that always the case. I at least got to tell you that I loved you very very much and I know you put up a fight to live...but now you are watching over your twin and helping him get through each day. Its hard, its very, very hard. A parent should never have to bury a child.
I miss you my angel...I miss you.
A few poems that I wrote on how I'm feeling today...
When You Lose A Child
I Visited You Today