Friday, April 27, 2012

Confirmation time

Its been almost 5 years...five years of living a life that has its ups and downs....
5 years of thinking your alright and then it hits you...
5 years of what most people say that they would never be able to handle...and yet I/we have.

Today has been one of those days where it hasn't been so good. The stress of everything...the daily life of Michele...has hit home. Questioning everything from why to...well...you understand.
After getting a beautiful e-mail from one of my friends about my oldest sons confirmation practice last night, it really hit me hard. My son, Tony is making his confirmation on Saturday(tomorrow). He has planned and prepared for this for months. When he told me the name he wanted to take as his confirmation name, I felt sadness but extremely proud of my son for picking the name.....the name...
Nicholas

Yes, after St. Nicholas...but there is much more meaning for him choosing this name. See, when I was pregnant with the twins, my son told me that he wanted to name one of them. He wanted to name the one on the left, Nicholas (Nick for short). He loved the name and well...so did I. So my oldest son, who was so excited that he was FINALLY going to have brothers (after 4 sisters) got to pick out one of his brothers names. Unfortunately...Nick was the one who passed away. Now try explaining that to a nine year old who was so excited about his brother Nick. That's all he talked about....Nick this and Nick that.

Well, fast forward 5 years....
When my son had to choose his catholic confirmation name, the first (and only) name he thought of was Nicholas. Yes, the tears flowed and I got choked up. My son was going to have a little bit of his brother with him forever...

You'd think, after 5 years I'd be alright. NOPE. Not this year. I miss my baby with everything I have inside of me. I went to the cemetery this morning to just have some time to think about things. I ended up cutting the grass all around his stone and placing some spring/birthday decorations around it. Oh...and I ended up crying just as hard as the day he died. At that moment, I wanted to be with him. I wanted to be holding him, smelling him and staring at his beautiful tiny but perfect face with his little pointy nose and chin and his blond hair. I found myself on my knees with my head to his stone wanting, just wanting it to be a bad dream. Praying to God that there is a Heaven and that I WILL see my baby again. Will it ever get easier? I mean, I know it has too because I had a few years where I was fine with it...but not this year. Its a very hard one for me.

 Now, tomorrow, he (my oldest son) is making his confirmation...taking the name Anthony Nicholas Tomecko...what an honor to his brother...yet, I know I'm going to need a whole box of tissues because this is a hard one to take in. I am so proud of him for everything he has become and what the future holds for him...I'm just praying that life gets easier with a whole lot less heartache.

Update...
Yes, the box of tissues was very much needed. My oldest son is a great kid and has great taste in shirt color...tee hee.
 The bishop had a special bond with Kenny...it was almost eerie how he saw something in Kenny that he just took to him!
 My sons Tony and Kenny, my nephew Dominic and Tonys good friend, Shawn and his cousin
My girls and our friends girls
 Tony, Tony and I
 We went out to dinner with Tony's parents, my sister and nephew and our friends whos son also got confirmed.
What a blessed day!

1 comment:

Deedy said...

M....thinking of you on your boys' birthday. Know it's a 'happy-sad'. D.