Thursday, July 1, 2010

Recovery of another loss

I am so grateful for all the well wishes that so many of my readers have written to me. That really makes me feel so much better. Makes me feel like I am writing this blog to help others get through their own sadness, bad times, tragedy, and/or losses. Because you CAN get through them...My husband and I are living proof to that.

You know, every time there was something that was happening traumatic (my brother dying, Nick dying and also the previous miscarriages), I wanted it to turn out the way I wanted it to...so I'd be sitting there pleading and begging to God to make things OK...to let them live, be alright...but with with pregnancy, I figured all the pleading and begging wont change what God already had a plan for...so I changed MY way of thinking. I did a lot of praying, but this time, it was for God to give me strength for whatever was going to happen. I wanted Him to show me the way to go with this. And I feel that I had so many signs thrown at me throughout the whole 2.5 months of this pregnancy. I had the rainbows, the baby deer, and especially the little voice inside me telling me that this pregnancy was not going to last long. I got to see our baby's heart beating and it moving around. It was an amazing experience. I have 3 pictures (ultrasounds) of the little one and for that, I am thankful to God. I ended up having a D&C on Wednesday because I just chickened out of having a miscarriage naturally. I know my body knows what to do, but my mind and emotional state couldn't handle it. I am sore today but I am glad that its over with. I can move on and focus on my kids. I can start to heal from yet another loss.

God had given me this life and each day I am learning something a little more...about people and how they react to different situations. This is why my I have this blog. I want people to know that anything could happen at anytime in your life, but it wont keep you down unless you want it to. Sure, I've had my days...lol, actually many days that I just wanted to crawl into bed and just give up. When I was pregnant with Kenny and Nick, I begged and begged for God to spare my babies an early death. Then watching Nick die in front of our eyes..I never thought that I'd have a child that I would have to bury. We thought we were out of the woods with "bad things" happening to us...I mean, what ELSE could go wrong? right? As Kenny started to develop and grow, we had no idea of what was to come. He has a lot of medical and physical problems which he is always in and out of the hospital. The epilepsy, mod.-severe hearing loss, his chronic lung disease, his eyes that will eventually need to have surgery to correct, the muscle tone issues, the developmental delays, and now...to top it all off, Kenny's doctor just called us this week and told us that he will be getting a g-tube put in on July 12...oh yeah...add failure to thrive to the list. Our fears of the unknown is starting up once again. So with all the other meds and special needs for our miracle, we are adding the care of a g-tube. I know it is the right thing to do for him. He will be healthier, he will gain weight and develop better (we are hoping). I am just scared.

Here's a little story of just how bad things are getting....We went to a friends house to see fireworks the other night...and we never got a chance to just sit and talk to anyone. Kenny was going everywhere. I never realized how much watching over Kenny needs. He didn't want to watch the fireworks, wouldn't just sit and chill...he wanted to walk...walk wherever his little feet could take him. Now...grant it, I am beyond grateful that he is actually walking! That is a miracle in itself. But his autistic side is really starting to show. The gathering and throwing of silverware, slamming doors, head banging...well, you get the point. He had meltdown twice while we were at the party...once in the backyard...the only thing that helped was him sitting on my lap and swinging on the swing. The other time was when the fireworks were going on...Tony and I tag teamed watching him. We had to put a glow bracelet on him because he didn't want us to hold him, he just wanted to just go...not good when there are 6 other kids to keep an eye on and a busy street with crowds of people everywhere. Overall, I loved getting out and seeing our friends. We did have a great time, it was just draining.

We gladly welcomed every one of our children...even the miscarriages. We see that Kenny's disabilities and medical problems as a part of everyday for us now. We don't like it, but we are used to everything...the breathing treatment every night, the different meds every day, the issues that have arose and ones that we will be facing in the future. God gave him to us for a reason...and we intend to make the best of it and help Kenny (and the rest of our kids) grow up happy and as healthy as possible.
Sure, I cry a lot for our kids...for Kenny because of what he has and will continue to go through...and for our other kids for what they had to experience in their lives already. I cry because I am mad and hurt...scared because of what the future holds...but after a good cry and a great hug from my husband (and phone calls to my parents and sisters), I feel much better. It's a great release of emotions (and so is my therapeutic writing on my blog).

I am looking at the situation as the glass half full...I love being a stay at home mommy to my kids. I will find time to dig out my jewelry and headpiece making stuff, drawing and painting stuff out from my closet and attic and one day get back into the swing of things...eventually. But until then, my kids need me. The years are sneaking up quickly...I have an 11 year old and almost 13 year old all the way down to a 2 year old...not to mention, a child with special needs. I want to make the kids lives happy and fun. Its hard to not make it all about hospitals, meds, watching out for Kenny, and sadness of what has happened or is happening...so that is why I am trying to make it about what we have. The house, well...we make it work (come on EMHE) for the time being. We've never known anything else, so its just our way of life. Sure the house is small, but (again...glass half full) it's easy to keep clean. We are trying to make the most of this life that God has given us...no matter how stressful it is...no matter what the future holds, no matter how opposite it has turned out from what we expected. God has given us strength, family and true friends who understand and are there for us...and for that, I am beyond grateful. It IS (for the most part) a wonderful life...and if it isn't, God, family and friends will get us through.

Apologizing for this post being all over the place...its just the way I'm feeling today.

BTW...God Bless America! Happy Independence Day.

5 comments:

jules said...

I'm so sorry for your losses. God only gives us what he thinks we can handle. We have to look at what we have that and count the blessings we have. I don't know what you are going through but I know it has to be hard. I hate not knowing what my son's life will be like. But when I see his smiling face, that's all that matters. I will pray for you and your family.

Marilynne said...

You have a lot of resilience. Life knocks you down and you just get up again. I admire you for that and pray for you and your family.

Brandy said...

Hey, just want to say I hope things get better. (as far as autism goes too, I can say it can; I'm proof of that, being on the spectrum myself)

Anonymous said...

I hope everything improves real soon. How is Kenny's summer school going?

Jenny F said...

Not sure how I missed this, but I didn't realize you were pregnant. I am so sorry for your loss. It never gets easier .. just learn how to cope. You have God in your life, so you have to draw on the strength of your Father. It's not easy .. my little one would have been 7 years old this month. I think of him/her often but also know that I wouldn't have Madison if that pregnancy would have lasted. I am just so sorry to hear you are going through this and will be praying for you! ((hugs))