I now have 4 babies in heaven...my Nick and the 3 miscarriages that I've had. I understand and have come to a calming reality that I am alright with this. I am alright with the what ifs, the seeing the strong heartbeat one day then nothing the next (a little disheartened, but alright). I'm alright with the ending of this pregnancy. If this was 4 years ago...I'd be a crying mess...but today, I am alright. God has given me some of the greatest gifts of all...to feel...to understand...to accept that He is in total control of my life. Sure, I do things the way I want (the Italian in me)but overall, there is a plan for me...for all my losses, for all that Tony and I are going through. And...we are really alright with it. The hardest part for me is the physical pain that I must endure. I have always had D&C's, so this natural process is all new to me. But I have total faith in my doctor. He knows me and I know him. He feels this is the best for me. I will get through this...Tony and I will get through this.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Sunday, June 13, 2010
This weekend Tony and I found out just how different Kenny really is from the other kids. I mean, we knew that he was different, but this weekend opened our eyes to the fact that we cant do the things that normal families can do...go to the mall, rummage sale or even to get ice cream. It all started on Friday night...
We decided to go to the mall (the first time in years). We thought, because Kenny is 3 that we could just walk with him and Gina (instead of using the stroller). All was going well, Tony had Kenny and I had Gina. With Gina, if I let go of her hand, she either follows me or holds one of the other kids hand...never wanders away from us. But with Kenny, the minute you let go of his hand, he takes off and doesn't care where he goes. It's kind of scary because we cant take our eyes off of him not even for a minute. He was never out of our site, but sure did give us the run around. If you hold him and he doesn't want to be held, the temper-tantrum starts. And for a little guy, he is very strong. So the mall wasn't a total loss, we just did a lot of hand holding and walking.
Then yesterday, we got an early start to the day. We went to a rummage sale at our church. Again, chasing the Kenster all over the place. We learned from last year that taking a stroller into the sale was not even an option because of the isles in between the tables. Not to mention, the stroller is on its last legs, so it was a no-go with that option. The other kids were having a blast, especially the girls and the jewelry table...ahhhh...the changing of age...no more is the vision of the girls going for toys...its all jewelry these days. I love it! Anyhow, Kenny decided that he had enough of running through the isles and having people tell him how cute he was (which he doesn't quite understand anyhow), he decided to start throwing one of his famous temper-tantrums...we got him into the van at top speed. Again, not horrible and actually very typical for a little kid. He was fine after that. We then dropped Taylor off at her friends house for an end of school year party and headed off to grocery shop. This is always an experience with Kenny. This is the time when he starts to get vocal. If Tony and I split off to save time on the shopping, I can always find where Kenny and Tony are (if he has him). Kenny always is "aahhhh-ing" or "uuuugggh-ing" at the top of his lungs. He isn't doing it for any other reason than just to be loud. We cant figure it out. He doesn't throw temper-tantrums or anything, he is just loud...just like he is when I try to take him to church...there are a lot of dirty looks and stares from strangers...and then every once in a while, we get a person who is as sweet as can be and just start talking to Kenny or us with a smile (but that is far and few in between). We made it out of shopping without too much going wrong...just typical stuff. The kicker was at 8 at night when we decided to treat the kids to ice cream at the little shop down the street. Picture this...a big 12 passenger van pulls into this little parking lot, a fairly large group of people standing in line waiting for ice cream and the Tomeckos pile out of the van...dun, dun, dun....
I was very willing to wait in the car with Kenny and Gina...knowing all to well, it wasn't going to be good. There was nowhere for Kenny to walk. He wont just want to be held or stand still...he just wont. But no, Tony wanted us all to be a family and do what we used to do...I kind of wanted everything to be like it was too, so I said, "what the heck", and out we all went.
We all ordered out ice cream...I ended up getting a cup full knowing that 1)way too hot, the ice cream was going to melt way too fast. and 2) I'd probably not finish it due to running around after Kenny...I don't have a problem with Gina...she stays put. Well sure enough...one thing led to another...Sydnie and Kayleigh couldn't eat the ice cream fast enough. It was melting everywhere...then all of a sudden, plop...Syd's landed on the ground and the tears started. In the meantime, Kayleigh was having a hard time with hers...I grabbed Kenny from Tony and Tony went to go get a new ice cream for Syd...in a cup this time. While he was in line for Sydnie, I was holding Kenny...I walked over to the very crowded ordering area to tell Tony to get a cup for Kayleigh for her melting ice cream as well...when Kenny decided to throw the biggest fit ever. I could barely even hold him. I finally got a hold of him when he pushed away from me, arching his back and he flew out of my arms (almost)! His head was inches...I mean inches from the concrete sidewalk. I had the tightest hold of his legs and feet ever. I was freaking out. It was the longest few seconds that I ever had! And no one helped me. With people all around me, no one bothered grabbing Kenny from falling out of my arms. They had the looks and the little comments to each other, but no one helped me. Tony ended up grabbing him. When I say that he was hanging from my arms, he was...it was horrible. All because he pushed away from me while I was holding him...all because he wanted to wander off. I quickly took him to the van...yes, I was shaking very badly...He was screaming his lungs out (gave the people in line more to talk about). Kayleigh started crying because the ice cream store wouldn't give Tony an extra cup because they were running low...even though they saw that her ice cream was dripping everywhere...and that we were going to buy the stupid cup. Over all, it was a complete nightmare. We got home and cleaned up the kids and I took Kenny and Gina to bed. Gina fell asleep the minute her head hit her pillow...and Kenny (sleeping in our bed with us) curled up against me and fell asleep.
So some may say that it was because he was tired, but no...its like this all the time, everywhere we go.
This is why I posted the post before this one about kids that wander. We don't know if Kenny has Autism...it was brought up, but there hasn't been a definite diagnosis. But it doesn't matter anyways because kids with developmental delays also wander. Our life has changed 110%. The normal family life that we once had, the one that most people with nothing wrong with their child/children have...the "pick up and go" life is no longer. We now have a new normal for us. One that I am hoping and praying that our other children understand and are not resentful about. We have learned one very important thing in this new life that was chosen for us...and that is the non judgemental side of life. Don't take the simple things for granted, like going for ice cream with your children...
God, I would love to have a "normal" life, but this one is so much more interesting and it just keeps on getting more and more interesting as the days/months/years go on!
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Not too much more has been going on these last few days...Kenny and Gina have been really enjoying the deck and playing from morning to night on there. I am hoping that this will keep Kenny from getting any sickness that may be lurking around.
Next week Kenny will be going to start preschool at a local elementary school. He will be getting his therapies all in (ot,pt,and speech)...I am so excited about this. The only problem is that they have him down as school transportation...not too sure about this. I think I would feel much more comfortable if I drove and picked up. We'll see how it goes.
The older kids have been addicted to Glee. Oh yeah...it is recorded on our TV. I think I know every word to every episode! LOL So, while they are not watching Glee, I've been hearing how bored they are..and they are very vocal about it. To me, it's my "Welcome to Summer" vocabulary which I am way to familiar with. So I am trying to find fun (inexpensive) things to do with 7 kids...from almost 13-1.5. Its not that easy. In the meantime, it's back to the summer dayz...enjoying the corn on the cob, summer fruits - peaches, melons, and cherries...my favorites!
Sunday, June 6, 2010
I am so thankful for them for putting this on. This is the second year that we went to this event. It gives the kids a chance to let loose and be kids without all the looks and whispers. It was a perfect ending to a perfect day on Friday.